Years ago I recognized I had a problem with boundaries. As I began to get more centered, I realized that learning to set boundaries for myself was imperative.
As children we supposedly learn to protect and take care of ourselves through defining our space -- physically (sexually), emotionally and mentally. My boundaries were more porous than the border between Mexico and Arizona. I had to sit in an aisle seat in the movie theater because I felt people encroaching on me. I felt responsible for everyone's emotions except for my own.
I think underneath it all, I was afraid of setting boundaries because if I did, people would abandon me. Talk about scaring myself. But I hadn't yet realized my own worth. Once I did, I was willing to risk, knowing that my respect for myself and my own empowerment was more important than anyone else's approval. So, now came the fun part -- learning how to establish boundaries.
They say that life is a matter of balance. Getting close or maintaining your distance, becoming involved versus minding your own business and having opinions in contrast to remaining neutral are just some of the decisions we all face pretty regularly. As it becomes more personal, we might call it "getting involved" versus "remaining aloof" and maybe even "falling in love" or "running away." Sometimes, the way to maintain our boundaries is obvious, and sometimes it is subtle. Sometimes we are spot-on and at other times we miss the mark. Nevertheless, however you look at it, learning how to establish boundaries and how to maintain them is a life skill well worth developing.
Some of the toughest boundaries to establish and maintain have to do with close personal relationships, especially those involving friends and family. One boundary issue is avoiding or limiting enmeshment. Our good friends at Encarta define enmeshment as "to entangle somebody or something in something from which it is difficult to be extricated or separated." If the boundaries in healthy relationships are like the spines and covers of books on a shelf, then enmeshed relationships look like the threads in a tightly woven rug. In the first case, while the books are all together, the separation between volumes is clear. In the second case, it's really difficult to tell where one thread ends and the next begins. In the first case, I can take a book off of the shelf without disturbing all the others. In the second case, if I pull on a single thread, the entire rug may become unraveled.
As I mentioned above, boundaries are for protection. When a boundary violation occurs, protection erodes. In order to please others, we lose sight of the boundaries and end up leaving ourselves defenseless. We end up saying yes to virtually all requests out of fear of rejection and abandonment. In doing so, we can end up tolerating abuse or disrespectful treatment. I wonder, which is really worse.
In an effort to avoid conflict with others, we create internal conflict and sometimes actually increase conflict with others. The thinking is distorted because we see ourselves as all powerful, thinking we are making others happy and leading them to like us; and yet, at the same time, powerless, because we lose our sense of who we are, what we feel, need, want and think.
It's taken a while and I am still working the process, but here are four characteristics of healthy boundaries that I've learned so far:
Developing healthy boundaries involves taking care of yourself first. Believe me; I know how tough that can be for a people-pleaser and care-giver like me. The process begins with self-exploration and examination, so that you know what you like, need, want, as well as being absolutely clear about what you won't tolerate in a relationship. It's best to set healthy boundaries as early on as possible so that everyone involved knows the rules and what is considered okay and what is not. For that to happen, here are four simple guidelines:
1. Get honest with yourself. Learn to recognize your true feelings, and once you have, be honest with others. That goes for your opinions, too. You are entitled to have them, and they are as valid as anyone else's.
2. Be direct. Ask for what you want and need, and if you don't get it share how you feel, authentically, without blame, with ownership for your feelings and thoughts and respect for others.
3. Get clear on what you are responsible for and what is not your responsibility. Do not take on what is not yours. People who don't have respect for boundaries will most likely push the hardest on yours.
4. Don't underestimate other people's ability. People can do well without you over-extending yourself.
As someone who has always considered herself (and been called) a loving, caring, giving, person, it took me a while, but I learned that having boundaries and putting myself first was not selfish, cruel or unfeeling. We need to take care of ourselves first to be able to take care of anyone else. This is sometimes not as easy as it sounds, but it is worth doing.
I look forward you hearing your thoughts.
Judith Orloff MD: Relationship Secrets for Highly Empathic People
Boundary - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Building Healthy Boundaries | LIVESTRONG.COM
Establishing Healthy Boundaries In Relationships | LIVESTRONG.COM
If you have had a narcissistic person in your family like I did, your boundaries can just be a mess. My mom's mom was NPD, so Mom had some issues when raising me and my brother. My biggest deal is still trying not to feel responsible for my mom's reactions when I draw my 'line' and stick to it. It is worth it, though; it seems as if every time I take a stand, I get more healed.
The other issue I had like you did was just letting myself feel emotions. I was so afraid to display anger (Mom exploded regularly when I was a kid and scared the living ^&*() out of me) that I did not even learn how to properly deal with my own anger for a long time....I did not give myself permission.
event. I had to do this when my mother-in-law 'invited' herself to my delivery of her grandchild !
Yikes ! And of course she guilt tripped me when I told her she was definitely not going to be there.
But if she had been there, I probably would have had to have a c-section.
No way would I have felt safe enough to deliver in her presence.
Protect yourself and don't sweat the small stuff.
This was me for years. It brings back so many memories from my teen-age years until about seven years ago. Nice article. Good points. Thanks!
I have struggled with boundary issues for a very long time and finally had a breakthrough about six years ago. When I changed my boundarys it had a ripple effect on all those around me.
I was brought up in a dysfunctional family, everyone got emeshed in everyone else. My teacher John-Roger explained to me that if I stayed strong when family members were collapsing it would assist them to have a positive example and different choices on behaviour.
It still is challenging for me to maintain especially if I encounter a manipulative characted however I have learned to match their behaviour so they have no leeway to manipulate me.
Happy Sunday everyone.
I used work, do most of the cooking, most of the child-care, most of the gardening, all of the house and car maintenance ... just about anything that got asked, or sometimes demanded. Then I gradually began to say "no" often silently and put it to myself that I was no longer going to be "putty man".
All well and good, because these days I certainly know my boundaries (without having become insular.
But here is a word of warning. That relationship totally collapsed very nastily. I'd changed you see and my wife was/is not the kind of person to back down, compromize, be tolerant, etc..
I've known and know of other men have this happen and I daresay that the same applies to women - just that I haven't spoken to many in this context, though I recently have to my new neighbour at my retirement village.
Anyway just be aware that whilst it is worth becoming more self-assured/secure, whomever was able to use you is likely to become very nasty ... perhaps like a five-year-old spoilt brat, but with 'adult' weapons.
"porous" boundaries--means that a person may not experience one's self as separate from others.
The key word is "experience." My experience of your problems might be that if you are overworked, I
start to feel over-burdened. Similarly, I may experience that YOU are the source of my feelings, as
if you had intentionally thrown your problems in my direction as large burdens to shoulder.
With clarity of boundaries comes the recognition that you are over-worked because of your own
choices and actions, and this may have little or nothing to do with me. At the first hint that I'm
starting to feel your problems as if they were my own, the solution is to disengage as quickly
as possible--to courteously, though emphatically detach from the source who evokes these
troublesome feelings. That is sometimes a lot simpler said than done.
If another also suffers boundary diffusion, there may be a tendency for that person--friend, lover,
spouse, co-worker, etc.--to ventilate and thereby "unload" their burdens. The technique of
disengagement or detachment may result in some initial bruised feelings on the part of the other.
But, with time, we hope that our greater clarity in personal boundaries sets the stage for healthier
relating with others.
Other people's problems aren't mine. If only I'd known that early on. (Somehow, I saw myself as the rescuer; what a draining state to live in). Underestimating others - check that one too. It's fascinating how alike the human condition is - regardless of what bodily shape or size that condition appears in. I appreciate your thoughtful review of Boundary-Setting. It's rather like living within one's means, isn't it?