Thanks to the many of you who posted or emailed in response to the question, "Which of the distorted thinking patterns is most relevant for you?" As you might expect, there were as many answers as there were patterns. But, many of you had a question for me, "What can I do about them?" Good question. The answer is, "a great deal." The process is called Relax and Reframe.
The first step in dealing with these patterns is to realize that they are occurring. So observe what's going on and then relax. Just take it easy on yourself. Many of these patterns can make you crazy with negative self-judgments that can quickly turn you from being your own ally to your own enemy. And negative self-judgments have a way of blinding us by shifting the focus away from the distorted thinking and on to the pain that they cause. Until I recognized that, I had no way to deal with them.
The secret for me was for me to be willing to replace the negativity with loving. I had to remove the self-judgments and replace them with self-acceptance and self-love. In other words, whether I liked what was going on or not, I had to accept it before I could change it. I had to acknowledge the truth that it was happening, no matter what, and work with myself the way a loving parent works with a child learning to walk. If I stumbled I'd gently picked myself up, told myself I loved me, that I was learning and try again.
But as powerful as the loving is, it's not enough. The loving can ease the pain created by negative self-judgments, but it takes changes in thinking and behavior to transform the old destructive patterns into productive new ones.
Once you've learned to relax by accepting and loving yourself exactly as you are, it's time to reframe. Reframing lets us see things in a different way than we have seen them in the past. And we reframe almost the same way we relax, by removing judgments.
The distorted thinking patterns share many things in common and chief among them are the judgments they contain such as right and wrong, good and bad -- and it's all about me or its all about them. Take polarized thinking, for example. That's the pattern where you see things as black or white or good or bad. Because there is no middle ground, things are one way or another and our behavioral choices become very limited.
For me sometimes it was no cookies or the whole box of cookies. At other times I binged which made me bad or I dieted which made me good. These patterns don't only apply to food. They can apply to any situation that throws us out of balance. It could be how we are with a significant other, how we deal with our various projects or how we react in the workplace with our boss or employees. It is something that we do internally to distort what is actually going on and turn it against ourselves. For me, it was a food issue that emphasized my distorted thinking. But virtually all of this discussion probably applies to what your issue might be. Remember, liberation is the goal.
Here are four steps I used in reframing distorted thinking patterns:
1. Recognize that it is happening. Instead of just automatically reacting to a situation, no matter how charged or tense or uncomfortable, take a few moments to sort things out before taking an action. You can take a few breaths or take a walk. I learned that sometimes the best reaction is to take no further action at all (like after eating the third cookie).
2. No matter how many alternatives you see to a situation try to find just one more. Then look at each alternative and ask yourself, "Which is most appropriate for me? Which will get me closer to my goal? Which one makes nothing more important than the loving? Which one serves me the best?" Then try that alternative. For me it was reminding myself that three cookies are only so many calories and that is the same number as a serving of steak so I really didn't "blow it" like I was used to telling myself. Then I would throw the rest of the bag of cookies away so I wouldn't be tempted to eat them.
3. Try not to make things personal or take things personally. They rarely are. Most of us vent and blame others when in fact we are angry at our own behavior and ourselves. So when others take it out on you, they are probably just dealing poorly with their own stuff. And when you are thinking about blaming someone else, it's probably a good idea to look inside first. And then relax. It's okay. Take it easy on yourself and make nothing more important than the loving.
This was particularly helpful to me in recognizing both my strengths and weaknesses. If something or someone did push one of my buttons, I knew there was something for me to learn about myself -- that actually the person was doing me a favor. There was a particular episode where a young man was being a bully, which was irritating me to no end. When I realized that I was upset was because I was a bully to myself, a whole new world of self-care opened up for me. I didn't go and eat because I was upset that the person was acting like a bully. I just removed myself from his presence, recognized that it had nothing to do with me, didn't take it personally and praised myself for my growth.
4. This all takes awhile. Awhile to recognize it. Awhile to get it. Awhile to practice it. Awhile to get it down. A long while to master it (maybe even a lifetime). But you will get it and you will, in time, make it a part of you natural behavior.
We'll continue to explore distorted thinking patterns and their role in transformation in my next blog. As always, I look forward to your comments, emails (janshep@aol.com) and those tweets.
Rick Hanson, Ph.D.: How to Take Things Less Personally
Relaxation Techniques for Stress Relief: Relaxation Exercises and Tips
Positive thinking: Reduce stress, enjoy life more - MayoClinic.com
I had a really full week and the negative chatter got switched on because my batteries were flat - just well used actually.
So the remedy is to switch off and re-fill with my own spirit, to re-connect with the truth about me (which is very good) and have a good sleep, which I find puts a lot of things back into perspective. Going out for a walk and drinking plenty of water also helps me back into balance. Life is sweet once again.
With love and appreciation to you,
Anne
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Know all about that dilemma.
I prefer to leave the cookies in the grocery store and opt for trail mix or fruit instead. In understanding what's going on, I know I can't be trusted with the cookies. I know a walk, jog or exercising is better than even a few of the cookies. I know that as I walk, jog, or exercise, I no longer crave the cookies.
When I break down and eat a few -- all of them, I start again the next day.
cookies I was able to SOMETIMES eat just one. I, however often CHOSE not to eat any. I do walk every day except when I don't..........got over perfectionistic thinking too......and learned to laugh at myself!!!!
How will you know when you are satisfied?
The strongest man is not always the most ardent climber. - William Lecky
justonequestionaday.com
I am learning that when I have a re-action to anything I back off from the re-action take some time out and it seems to move into a different phase. One of the patterns I had was to stuff my feelings down and I also ate a lot when I was feeling stuffed. I now allow myself to have those feelings come up and let them go. My weight has dropped and my negative thinking has reduced.
I am going to be doing a blog on emotional stuffing.
It sounds like you are taking an observational perspective. Observation is huge key as taught by many spiritual teachers. I learned it from John-Roger in his tape "Observation Key to Letting Go."
life but you don't know it. Example : my mother in law managed to convince herself that my son
was not her biological grandchild, even though there was absolutely no reason to think such a
thing. I did not know this for many years, although she began to think this during my pregnancy.
We live next door to this woman on property her family homesteaded. Imagine the conflict in
worldviews between myself and her. Had I known, I would have ordered a dna test and put the
issue to rest. Now all I can do is 'reframe' my entire experience of raising children in this woman's
back yard in light of her unfounded suspicions.
I suspect situations such as these are actually quite common.
4. PD have a lack of impulse control and can NOT' "sit" with feelings. Go back to #1. That is why so many are busy using drugs, sex, others, being busy, whatever to avoid.
I only write this for all the people with a personality disordered person who keep beating their heads against a wall.
Even that nut bag Dr. Laura states in the front of her relationship book * Wont work with personality disordered people.....
You never say- This won’t work if you are personality disordered.
I have watched this daily for years. No one really talks or confronts this GROWING issue in the world and a real problem. Look at wall streets anti-socials who have impulse control. (Violent people in jail do not have the impulse control criteria in tact)
Like the article on mental illness in children. Children developed personality disorders from abuse around age 2-3. Then they never are able to change if not understood and interventions implemented immediately. This is psych 101. And still it may not help them at all!!
So, in this article we have #1. Basic INSIGHT-how did I participate in my own unhappiness? How do I change myself? Let's look inside-shall we?
Personality disorders are not capable of insight-that's what makes them personality disordered.
2. Plan, step back, stay calm.... PD people must see themselves as victims because they have no insight. Plus, they have to create "drama". Throws others off and makes for "crazy making". The carnal of truth is used to manipulate and talk until you give in from exhaustion.
Andrea Giambrone
Thanks for the article.
Toni Bernhard
www.howtobesick.com