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Oscar Night: The Real Acceptance Speech

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Every actress has two acceptance speeches--one that she will say and the other that she wants to say (and we want to hear.)

Here's the speech the winning actress will give:

I want to thank the members of the Academy. I'm just grateful to be in the company of all these talented actresses. I can't believe it. I want to thank my husband for supporting me all these years. And Miramax. And William Morris. And most of all, thank you God!

Here's the speech she wants to give:

I want to thank the members of the Academy. It's about damn time.

Seriously, what took you so long? I was starting to think I was going to get this award posthumously.

What, Meryl Streep wasn't in a movie this year?!

I want to thank my husband who always reminded me that I was responsible for the kids--their moods, their clothes, their grades in school. Without my family, I would be nothing. But without my family, I would have received this award 30 years ago!

Harvey Weinstein? Well, what can you say about Harvey? So you couldn't find a hot, young actress to play a 60-year-old, could you? So you cast me. Thanks, Harv!

This award, ladies and gentlemen, is for me, my hair colorist, and someone I haven't met yet--the car salesman at the dealership where I'm gonna buy me a lipstick red 1968 Ford Mustang convertible first thing tomorrow morning!

And to God? I want to say, I done my best. My whole life. Thanks for noticing.