Oscar Night: The Rules

RULE #1:
No gum chewing. And I'm talking to you, Leo DiCaprio. This includes everyone chewing Nicorette. No excuses. I know you're trying to give up smoking. Good for you. But on this one night, the Academy Awards, do us all a favor and head outside the Kodak Theater for a quick drag instead, because this is our night. This is the fans' night. You are our gods and goddesses. I want to look at Brad Pitt movie star not Brad my next-door neighbor.

RULE #2
Bring back Joan Rivers. She asks what everyone wants to know. So what if she insults you? Let your borrowed Bulgari jewels keep you warm. This is the hardest working woman in show biz. (And don't forget the fans in the bleachers. Give them a wave.)

RULE #3
The acceptance speech: Do not bring a ratty piece of paper up to the microphone. You are actors for God's sake. Memorize a 60-second speech. Please do not thank The Man up there. He knows you're grateful. You want to show gratitude? Give 10% of your salary to a charity that does His work here on earth.

RULE #4
If you win, do not hug Steven Spielberg. Kiss your wife or husband or significant other. Kiss the person who ate the franks and beans with you on the way up. This is their statue, too.

RULE #5
Remember you are lucky to be there. People spend their whole lives practicing their Oscar-winning speeches. ("I want to thank the members of the Academy...") Every one of us at home would give our right arms just to have five uninterrupted minutes in the gift tent. Be happy, look happy, have fun, because you are in the house. You are where 30 million people want to be on Oscar night

Comments

[KIKI225]

I'm a big fanof Jane's. I agree about the gum chewing. I can't chew gum in public because I hear my mother's voice telling me aI look like a cow. But enough about me. Actors, Memorize some heartfelt words!! And look glamorous for us; that's what we watch for. It's show business after all!!! Entertain us!

[blue meanie]

Speaking of Mr. Spielberg, I have been wondering: whatever happened to the film he had been planning to make on Lincoln? Is that still in the works? Is Liam Neeson still the lead? I recall thinking it was to have been released in '08. Obviously, that did not happen. (I know I should Google this, but I would appreciate any help anyone might want to give me here.)

[scubalady]

Well I remember Forest Whitaker bringing a ratty piece of paper as you call it and giving one of the most touching acceptance speeches in years. He said he feared being overwhelmed in such a moment.
The way he genuinely told what acting meant to him (connecting to people), his childhood memories of watching movies from his parents' car, his thouhts for Uganda were a very emotional moment.
So excuse me but I take a well articulate and heartful speech prepared on a piece of paper over any hysterical, screaming "spontaneous" reaction or robotic recitated lines.
To each his own.

[jbgnyc]

Great post. I especially agree about those ratty lists. I'd much rather watch some off the cuff, human reaction, rather than those endless "and than I'd like to thank...." lists Go up, be grateful, don't pretend to be surprised or shocked (that's phony baloney) and keep it short!

[Ken Volok]

I know (I hope) this blog was meant in jest but.. it really is the night of the artists being honored, the audience should enjoy that in itself.