Max: So, Top Chef?
Me: ooh. Well, I've decided I'm posting on Fridays. It is IMPOSSIBLE to write something between 11 at night and 7 the next morning.
Max: I was just looking for your thoughts.
Me: I'm just too old.
Max: I am not pressuring you to give me a recap.
Me: ah.
Max: I JUST WAS MAKING CONVERSATION.
So, let that IM conversation establish some things: I'll be posting on Fridays, I'm as egocentric as ever and I'll be including a short IM with Max every Friday.
As opposed to my ennui last season, months without Top Chef has made me appreciate it. Yes, there may be too much personal drama, product placement and distracting gorgeous genius cooks who wear very little and drink milk right out of the carton with one firm hand while wearing a tight white shirt and are named Tre and cause me to abandon all dignity, but ultimately I think this is my favorite show.
I tried to get into Project Runway, but something just wasn't doing it for me. No eye candy (be it food or people)? Too much fashion? I'm scared of Nina? Who knows. I went on a vacation without TV or computer and couldn't even bring myself to recap the finale when I returned, which was lame -- but where was the surprise in that show?
So, let's gather round and watch the first of many episodes together, my dear five readers.
We start off with the usual city shots as our new friends arrive. This season is taking place in Chicago. The first thing I notice as the chefs show up is that there isn't anyone I'm into this season. Which is to say, obsessed with. At first I thought Ryan from San Francisco kind of looks like Eric Bana, but then he goes on a rant about how his parents signed a waiver and had him cooking at their restaurant at 11, and "fired two people in the first week because I could out cook them at 11 years old." Ugh.
We also have Mark from New Zealand who "Came to America with 200 dollars and a backpack" and appeals to our love of the "American dream."
All the chefs are congregating at Pizzera Oh No, as I'll call it because I really do despise the Product Placement: some of them arrive in the most gratuitous, downright lascivious car shots.
Andrew, who seems like a real teeth gnasher, is talking about his love of cooking and gives us our first gross quote of the show: "There's nothing better than people tasting my passion."
We also have our first couple on Top Chef! It's a lesbian couple from San Francisco, Zoi and Jen, and they announce that they have been together for 3 1/2 years.
Suddenly our inscrutable friends, Padma and Tom are here. I'm wondering why Padma is all covered up and realize it's because we're in Chicago. Strike 1 for the windy city. Tom, our Bear Icon, is in a nice bulky bear zip sweater with the neck up. Hello, Tom. Where is your friend Eric Ripert?
QUICKFIRE:
Padma introduces them to the Top Chef kitchen, mentions that they've all brought $200 of ingredients they can't live without and announces the quickfire, which is to create a deep-dish pizza in 90 minutes, to deliver to our guest judge.
Dale from Buddakan makes an Asian inspired pizza. Manuel from Dos Caminos makes a classic Mexican pizza and Mark is boldly making a pizza with "marmite molasses" -- I have no idea what this is but he says that in the right hands, it can "move mountains."
Someone talks about how you can "Really touch people with food...that's orgasmic..." Our second gross quote of the show. Stay tuned.
So, all the chefs head off to deliver the pizza, and as one chef says, "We pull up in our Top Chef highlanders." I wonder how many takes that took?
And, with that our guest Judge opens the door: it's Rocco Dispirito. Zoi is surprised. She is the only one. I am not surprised.
After Padma and Rocco eat their way through the pizza, the group is separated into the winning half and losing half. Padma announces that this will play into the elimination challenge the next morning.
Rocco compliments Richard, who served a "peach taleggio pizza with of course" (of course!) "a sweet tea reduction." Rocco chooses Richard as the winner, and says, "You confounded me and proved me wrong. There are no rules in cooking: if you make it taste good, it's good." Which honestly sounds awfully like a rule.
Then Padma announces that the house they're hanging out in is where they'll be living. And then Andrew says -and mind you, I don't have DVR so this is my approximation - "Padma is like, your casa motherf*ckers, and it's all like, yo phatness!" This is where I pantomime killing myself in front of the TV.
ELIMINATION CHALLENGE:
Basically, there are 8 or so classic dishes on a blackboard. Each member of the winning team must challenge a loser: the loser gets to pick the dish. They of course draw knives. The dishes are crab cakes, Chicken Piccatta, Lasagna, etc.
Richard, winner of the quickfire, picks Andrew, winner of most annoying person ever. Andrew, true to form, voiceovers: "I knew motherf*cker was gonna pick me and I wouldn't have it any other way, I'm like, motherf*cker, it's battle." Andrew, oblivious to the fearsome competitor raging beside him, contemplates crab cakes and his amazing electric smoker. Don't ask.
There isn't really any drama in the kitchen, except of course inside Andrew's head. Andrew and Richard have a bit of a standoff over the mayonnaise (haven't we all?) with Richard not sharing his mayo, and Andrew eventually making his own after Richard gives him the recipe.
JUDGING:
Our judges are Anthony Bourdain, Rocco Dispirito, and Tom and Padma. Where is Gail, I'd like to know? I got so much flack for liking her last season, but I'm standing by it. Where. Is. Gail.
There's really too many people/dishes at this point for this old decrepit recapper to keep track of, but in case you were worried, Richard won battle crab cake and Andrew did not curse out anyone or gnash his own teeth to little stubs. Yet.
Andrew says that he "showed strong against a cat that I knew as a bad ass." Andrew has gone from gangster to hep cat. Richard remains oblivious.
The two real disasters seem to be Nimma's shrimp scampi and Erik's savory nacho soufflé. Rocco says he would have sent the scampi back. Ryan also gets raked over the coals for breading Chicken Piccata. He tries to bluff it out that he meant to do it, while Tom tries to make him admit that he just didn't know what Chicken Piccata was. "Where was the lovely acidic butter sauce?" says Rocco, wistfully.
Winners: It's between Stephanie, Richard, Nikki and My Antonia. The winner is Stephanie, for her duck.
Losers: Ryan, Erik, Nimma and Mark. I predict that Nimma will go home for so horribly over-salting and under-emoting.
In the end, Nimma must go. Farewell Nimma. At least it wasn't a cored apple that sent you packing.