There I was in my bedroom, not able to locate my sneakers, when out of the blue chimed a voice saying "that was dumb." I knew that "dumb" wasn't referring to dumbfounded; it was much more basic and disparaging than that. "Dumb" was intended as a power punch at my gut - more like my core. It was intended to let me know that I was falling short of expectation and that I better "get my act together."
"Whoa," I said to myself, "cool it, back off".....and I did. If I really believed that voice I might not have noticed those mean words reflecting intolerance for my imperfectness. Mind you, not knowing where my sneakers are is an infrequent happening in my life, so one can only imagine what my Inner Critic might say if I had a habit of misplacing things.
The good news for me is that I heard my Inner Critic and, in so doing, could say, "back off buddy, out of here." When we pay attention and know what's going on inside with our automatic self-talk, it's a lot easier to counter it with "that's ridiculous," "whoa Nelly," or "leash that puppy," as one of my colleagues likes to say. When we are unaware, and have learned to disregard the conversations that take place internally, we are more at risk for feeling bad about ourselves. We all have a part of our mind that turns against us, casting judgment and blame for our shortcomings. It's that part of the mind that gets angry when we make mistakes and puts us down when we are vulnerable. It doesn't like our humanness and wants to shame us for having it.
Ironically, the Inner Critic develops as an attempt to protect us in our earliest years of self-development. When we are most at need of believing that our parents and caretakers are loving, responsible and holding our best interests at heart (who wouldn't want that), we interpret adult shortcomings as being our fault and blame ourselves for being "too needy," "stupid," or "overly sensitive." At the time, we have no idea that we are doing this; it just springs forth spontaneously out of our need to maximize feeling safe and secure and minimize feeling pain and fear. It's a pretty clever mechanism that the mind has, but it sure does have its downsides.
When parents are less attuned to a kid's needs and feelings, the greater the chance that the Inner Critic will get activated. In these situations, kids are left uncomforted, frustrated, and shaking in their bodies, compromised in their ability to calm down and feel that all will be okay. The corollary follows - that the more in tuned a caregiver is, the less need there will be for putting oneself down. When we are able to relax within the body and the mind, there are fewer triggers to set off unkind voices.
If we don't become aware of those automatic voices that chime off, like mine did when I couldn't find my gym sneakers, then the voices become harsher and more powerful. It can promote itself as the voice of "truth," all the while simply being our Inner Critic. But as we all know, beliefs are potent and sometimes difficult to override. This is where mindfulness comes in.
"Mindfulness" has been a buzz word these days, yet few people know what it refers to. Based on the ancient Asian traditions, it's the practice of awareness and attention to the present moment. By learning to notice, and not judge those feelings that contribute to emotional suffering (including anxieties and depressions) can be diminished Activities such as yoga, swimming, walking or meditation help us to slow down and increase our capacity for mindfulness. .
My sneaker experience is a good example... I simply noticed what was being said to me from my mind and with that awareness, I could talk back (which could be considered an ancient tradition in its own right). We have an easier time changing what we do notice and a harder time changing what we do not notice. When we notice the fodder fueling our Inner Critic, we can reckon with its outdated ideas and figure out ways to relieve ourselves from its hurtful grip.