I'm talking to YOU.
Right now you're my shambles of a marriage, my ruined relationship with my beloved.
But at different times in my life you've also been my unappeasable boss.
My disapproving family.
A snarky best friend.
You are any recurring screwed up situation that keeps me in a state of chronic pain.
What do I do? How do I react?
At first, when the feeling is unfamiliar, like in my early twenties, it went something like this:
You hurt me -- I hurt you back.
You know, like tit for tat and all that.
Into perpetuity.
I've done that and so have you.
Then later on, somewhere in my mid-30s after I've developed skin as thick as a suit of armor, and an abundance of cynicism, it looked more like this:
You hurt me -- I walk away. Immediately. And I NEVER look back.
No harm, no foul. You're an idiot and I'm not going to stick around for a second helping.
See that thing on my shoulder? HUGE chip.
Note to self: Look into "Chip Removal."
Then maybe after I've matured, after I've suffered enough loss to recognize that there are miracles in the mess. After I've dropped the armor, put down my crossbow and brass knuckles, and have finally taken the time to have that pesky chip removed -- this happens:
You hurt me -- I thank you... and kiss you on the mouth.
Well, that's figuratively speaking... and not right away.
In the beginning if I got that close to you I'd probably bite your lip -- hard. I'd want to draw blood.
Look at that. Old habits die hard. Back to the drawing board.
No, I would thank you, but from a safe distance. And why would I do something so asinine?
Because you gave me a gift.
You showed me who you are.
Which saved me from one more minute of anguish.
You stopped lying and pretending and shined the bright light of truth into all the dark corners and THAT'S when everything became crystal clear.
And at the time it hurt.
Like a knife in the gut kind of hurt.
But at last, finally, I have clarity. I SEE you.
Not one minute of my happiness, zero percent of my self esteem, and none of my hopes and dreams are safe here. Not with you. You're not the one.
Whew! Finally got it.
Moving on.
Thank you.