Taking your child or grandchild to the playground can be a welcome distraction from the excitement of doing laundry, dishes or your full time job but it can also result in some serious soul searching as you compare yourself and your parenting (or grandparenting) skills to the moms around you. In no particular order, here are the five scary moms you will encounter on any given day at the playground:
1.The Thin Rich Bitch Mom -- You can spot the Thin Rich Bitch Mom by her immaculate apparel, devoid of snot, tears and the all-too-familiar chocolate cookie mixed with saliva smear. Scan down to her feet and you will find a pair of brightly colored suede Todd's driving moccasins that have never encountered mud or dog poop. Her favorite accessory is the nanny and her favorite playground activity is talking on her cell phone about "the club," the summer house and the next vacation while the nanny runs around after the kids. You will never get to know the Thin Rich Bitch Mom because she would never spend time talking to someone like you because you look like a walking picture menu of what you fed your kid that day, and possibly the day before as well.
2.The Organic, Locally Sourced, Vegan, Paleo, Gluten-Free Chef Mom -- This healthy and holier-than-thou mom presents a casual carefree appearance right down to the baggy clothes, fugly comfortable shoes and lack of any effective hair containment strategy. Although she looks like an interesting woman who you might be tempted to park your tired sweatpant-covered ass next to on the park bench -- watch out! The minute you pull those bright orange cheese puff doodles out of your oversized mommy bag, Organic Mom will expound loudly upon the links between the color orange in snack food and cancer of every body part you have. But you won't have to listen for long because Organic Mom will quickly move away so her kids won't see and/or want your glow-in-the-dark carcinogenic snacks.
3.The Competitor Mom -- Competitor Mom is impossible to spot at the park or playground because she comes in many different physical guises. But the minute she speaks you will hear how talented and smart her kid is and you will immediately realize that your kid is lazy and stupid and will not be getting into the fabulous college that Competitor Mom's kid will be attending in 15 years. No matter how many words your child had mastered by age two, Competitor Mom's kid had mastered many more and also spoke a couple of languages fluently by age three. Competitor Mom will not be impressed with the fact that your kid finally gave up her binky at age three.
4.The Professor Mom -- Professor Mom is smart and educated and hell bent on explaining every single stinking scientific fact about the world to her kid. A skinned knee doesn't merely get a kiss and a lollipop because it is the perfect opportunity to expound upon the circulatory system's ability to clot and form a scab to stop the bleeding. To the Professor Mom, a rainbow isn't something to marvel at or draw a picture of because it begs a dissertation on light refraction through water molecules. Professor Mom googles the fun out of everything.
5.Totally Together Mom -- Totally Together Mom has a bunch of toddlers at the playground and she handles all of them with grace and ease while carrying on a vibrant conversation with the moms around her. She also has twin infants in a double baby stroller and a dog on a leash. She effortlessly spreads out snacks and drinks for the kids while propping up bottles for the babies as she puts clothing on and off all of her charges without losing her train of thought in the conversation. Totally Together Mom is relaxed, happy and competent and you just have to hate her because you are a sleep-deprived mother (or grandmother) of one kid who is at that very moment rolling in a puddle and screaming for orange cheese puffs with a finger up her nose.
There is, however, a modicum of comfort in knowing that the non-scary moms and grandmoms far outnumber the five scary mom types. So if we can just hang together at the playground, we'll be fine. Just look for me. I'll be the lady with the bright orange cheese puffs who is shrieking at a child to please dear god stop walking on top of the monkey bars with that popsicle stick in her mouth.
photo credit: Carmen going down the slide via photopin (license)
Earlier on Huff/Post50:
