All parents have one thing in common: they're getting older. So how do you spent time together and still enjoy it? The secret is you.
My father and I vacationed together on a cruise ship recently. One evening, while Dad and I said goodnight and made plans for the morning, I noticed a middle-aged woman eavesdropping. The elevator bell rang, so I kissed Dad goodbye and stepped into the elevator with her. She was already rolling her eyes. When the door closed, she said, "Parents. You gotta love 'em, but they can drive you nuts." Another time I might have agreed with her, but that night I wasn't the least bit bothered. I just smiled.
I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been nervous about the trip. But to my delight, I maintained my balance through the whole cruise (not the balance required for being on a ship, but rather my internal emotional balance). I came back relaxed and happy. To my surprise, it had very little to do with my father and a lot to do with me.
How did I get the most out of a family vacation? I've given this a lot of thought and offer it now because it's summer and a lot of extended families are about to climb in the proverbial station wagon and set off into ruin. What separates a good family vacation from a bad one?
You.
Family systems theory, a behavioral theory first envisioned by psychiatrist Murray Bowen, maintains that changing a family is only possible if you change yourself. Then everyone else in the family system will change around you. Discomfort with change can keep us locked into our familiar roles in the family unit, even after they no longer work for us. We squash our grown-up selves into childhood molds that are oddly shaped and pinching at the edges, cursing our discomfort and blaming others for our unease.
Change is hard, but it's easiest when you initiate it yourself. Try one change, see how it works, then try another step. What have you got to lose? The only control you have over your family's dynamic is how you react to those around you.
The most important thing when traveling with your parents is to relax! You're on vacation, remember? You can take the extra time you wouldn't normally have to do things you wouldn't normally do, like:
- Stick to the present. A vacation is not a good time to harbor that grudge about what your mom said about your first job, or to perpetuate your conviction that she loves your sister better. It's about what she's doing in the here and now. It's also about who you are right now, every single choice you make about what to say and do.
Many well-meaning sons and daughters are used to moving quickly, accomplishing a lot and getting straight to the point -- especially when the pressures of daily living kick in. As our parents become less energetic, slower and more forgetful, we're less likely to be successful with that approach. Vacation is a time to put away your agenda, your anxiety and your idealistic outcomes, and slow down like your parents.
Don't be afraid. It's only temporary. But who knows? You might like the change.
Janice M. Van Dyck is the author of two novels about families. Her latest novel, "Finding Frances," explores the positive effect of a mother's end-of-life choices on her grown children.