Huffpost Comedy

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Jason Gelles Headshot

"What's My Political Personality?" Democratic Edition

Posted: Updated:

Democratic Thinking (modern types: Daily Blogger or Hourly Commenter):
Soft-spoken poor spellers, considering booking a trip to Hawaii online, but have difficulty tanning. Extremely organized, motivated and responsible. Use these talents to support the least viable candidate. Focus and dedication produces large well-maintained databases good for grass-roots movements and hooking-up at the national convention. World of Warcraft character named after Wesley Clark.

Democratic Intuition (modern types: T-Shirt or Bumper Sticker):
Rational, uncoordinated, never remember your birthday. Very creative. Recent note in idea notebook: "Yoga Students Do It Downward Doggy Style." Stimulated by new ideas, like to have a clear understanding of the issues. Will vote for whomever Natalie Portman endorses. Something about them seems familiar. That's because they're wearing the clothes you donated to Goodwill.

Democratic Sensing (modern type: Sean Penn or Alec Baldwin):
Loyal and judicious, divorced. Curious about technology. Spent an entire Saturday at the Genius Bar learning how to set the iPhone's web browser's default homepage to Huffington Post. Mood swings between tenderly uneven and coarsely placid. Thrive at balancing multiple tasks, like hiring illegal immigrant gardeners and then teaching them how to be more green. Hope Chuck Norris is as embarrassing to the Republicans as Barbra Streisand is to the Democrats. Can't stand people that don't vote. Rarely vote.

Democratic Feeling (modern types: Grande Percent or Soy No-Foam):
Insightful, thin-skinned, always tip exactly 18%. Respectful of the opinion of others, no matter how crazy. Own several canvas shopping bags, but always forget to bring them to the store. Have no problem voting for an African American. Also, not racist, but occasionally use a code word to talk about African Americans in public just so nothing will be misconstrued. The codeword is "Actuary," and no one seems to have caught on so far, though now they'll probably have to change it.