"Our hope is that our family's personal tragedy will serve as a call for compassion, empathy and human dignity. "
--Clementi Family
The tragedy referred to in the quote above is one no family should ever have to endure. This statement came after Tyler Clementi, an 18-year-old accomplished musician, who had only been a student at Rutgers University for one month, jumped to his death from the George Washington Bridge. It's fairly common knowledge now that he was the fifth young gay man in September to take his own life after enduring severe harassment and bullying for being gay or perceived to be gay.
Seth Walsh, 13 years old. California. Hanging.
Asher Brown, 13 years old. Texas. Self-inflicted gunshot wound with his step-father's gun.
Billy Lucas, 15 years old. Indiana. Hanging.
Tyler Clementi, 18 years old. New Jersey. Jumped off of the George Washington Bridge.
Raymond Chase, 19 years old. Rhode Island. Hanging.
It saddens me that almost exactly one and a half years ago I wrote an article about homophobia and suicide among LGBT youth. Today, I write an almost identical article with practically the same statistics. Research conducted by GLSEN in 2009 indicates that nine out of ten LGBT youth report harassment in school. According to Massachusetts 2006 Youth Risk Survey, LGBTQ youth are four times more likely to attempt suicide. A 2009 study, "Family Rejection as a Predictor of Negative Health Outcomes " led by Dr. Caitlin Ryan and conducted as part of the Family Acceptance Project at San Francisco State University, shows that adolescents who were rejected by their families for being LGBT were 8.4 times more likely to report having attempted suicide.
Five suicides (and that's only five that have been publicized) in three weeks is profoundly tragic and more than sufficient to sound the "enough is enough" alarm. Once again, I feel my stomach doing backflips as I engage in conversation about the homophobia and hatred entrenched in our culture. I have been having this conversation since I was an undergraduate student, of all places, at Rutgers University, which is a place where I felt safe, accepted and free to explore and embrace diversity.
When I heard the news of Clementi, I asked myself how the experience that he went through occurred at such a progressive university. I then discovered alarming research conducted by Sara Konrath and Edward Obrien at University of Michigan that indicates that empathy among young adults and college students has dropped significantly since 2000. They went as far as to say that our culture's overexposure to violent media (i.e. video games) potentially desensitizes people to the pain of others. In addition, they indicate that the fast paced online world of social networking makes it easier to shut out the problems of others when we just don't feel like listening.
None of this changes the fact that we have a government that sanctions homophobia and discrimination. When the government upholds laws that allow our armed forces to discharge people, who are adding tremendous value by serving our country with honor and integrity, on the basis of sexual orientation, we are teaching our kids to hate. When we uphold laws that sanctify marriage as only valid between men and women we are teaching our kids to hate. When 28 states in our country can still legally fire LGBT people from their jobs and 33 states can legally fire transgendered people from their jobs, we are teaching our kids to hate.
My heart overflows with compassion for these young people who felt they had no alternative except to complete suicide. My compassion overflows to their families. Also, I feel compassion for the young people who have learned to perpetrate hate and violence towards LGBT people. Children are taught to hate and fear diversity in their homes (40 percent of LGBT youth are kicked out of their homes when they come out of the closet), and in their churches. Justin Early, author of "Streetchild: An Unpaved Passage," which is his memoir of his life as a gay, homeless youth, speaks first hand when he says, "It's sadly ironic that for millions of children, the deadly streets seem safer than many of the homophobic homes, schools and other mainstream communities that we would otherwise deem safe and comforting."
It follows that when kids learn to hate at home the next place they express it is in school. Ten percent of all hate crimes occur at schools and colleges. If hate is learned, then it lies on the shoulders of our schools, church officials, parents, teachers, and communities to teach our young kids acceptance before they continue hurting each other, and before they become adults who will likely pass their hatred to the next generation.
Of course the home is made up of individuals, and it is with each of us individually where the process of dissolving the plague of homophobia begins. Each of us must look into our own hearts and ask some difficult questions. How in my life and in my consciousness have I contributed to the perpetuation of homophobia and violence? Where do I harbor hatred? How can I heal this within me and participate in healing it among our children, schools, churches, governments?
Today (Monday, October 11) is National Coming Out Day. This is a perfect time, whether you are LGBTQ or straight, black, white, Asian, Latino, disabled or simply identify as a human being, to come out against hatred and take a stand for the expression of love of all beings regardless of differences. This is a time to send the message that as human beings inhabiting this planet we have a right to fully express the deepest truth of who we really are (as long as you don't hurt yourself or others).
It is time to forgive ourselves for our silence and for perpetuating this treachery. As I let my tears and anguish flow for the collective pain we have as a culture for allowing this to happen to our children I implore you to do the same. Let your tears go, reveal your pain, as you ask yourself, "How could we let this happen to our children?!?" And, when you are finished crying, stand up, declare, "No more!" and add your fire to the flame of love we must light to guide the way for our young people who deserve to live long lives fully embraced, nurtured and loved in the truth of who they are, regardless of seeming differences among sexual orientation, race or gender.
If you are a young LGBTQ person reading this who needs resources, please, know there are people who care about you and that there is support available (see below). As a gay man who was once a teenager dodging name-calling and taunting, wondering where his place was in this world, I know your pain, and I care about your pain.
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Gay teen suicides create a 'teachable moment' - U.S. news - Life ...
Suicide surge: Schools confront anti-gay bullying - U.S. news ...
Fifth Gay Teen Suicide Sparks Debate - ABC News
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feed the poor; sell the vatican
exactly what I've been thinking since this current wave of suicides started - that our whole
society, from the government on down, teaches the hatred and disrespect of gay people that
leads to bullying. For everyone wondering why kids and young adults treat gay people terribly -
it's because adults, from congress halls to churches, do too. Sad as it is to say, as long as
homosexuals are considered second-class citizens in our society, we are teaching younger
generations that it's ok to be cruel and disrespectful to them. As the old cliche goes,
children learn by example, so people need to start being aware of the example they're setting.
How blessed we are to have you here.
Love,
Cara
Thanks so much for your steadfast loving and support! You are beam of light to me!
Love,
Jason
The result is that even among those who aren't explicitly fundamentalist or even religious, there is a memetic bias against people with same sex gender orientation.
Read the religion pages on Huffpo and you will see what I'm talking about. On the one hand you will read supportive posts from the more "enlightened" religious. On the other, you will read apologists for the historic faiths, condemning homosexuality as a moral evil.
Until that "old time religion" loses its grip on society, the bigotry will continue to be a plague upon society. Countermeasures - such as what Dan Savage is doing - are compensatory and needed, but will not solve the problem by themselves.
We need to put some teeth in our anti-bigotry enforcement as well. Specifically, we should deny tax exempt status to any religious organization that preaches an anti-homosexual message.
You want to be a bigot? That's your right. But do it on your time, and your dime. Not on mine.
I love seeing the gay and straight cousins hanging out at Christmas and having such a good time, just like they have all of their lives while growing up and that is what people do not understand. Being gay, changes nothing about a person. What matters is how we treat each other in the world and the homophobes in the world are so horrible that they have lost their humanity.
Thanks for sharing
Jason
These tactics have been used for centuries on many other people. The hate mongers will do whatever they can to carry out what they think is right, including murder. The sad reality of it all is that there are many powerful gay elected officials who often side with and vote for the very people who oppress us. I say us who are poor minority as well as gay. We need to stand as a united front against these evil wicked sick bigots, or die trying.
Thank you!
jason
This fear of discovery has infected many gays I knew, making them walk on eggs in many circumstances. Yet, I can say with no reservation gays in my life have been some of the dearest and most decent human beings I have known. There were some lucky ones, loved and accepted by their families, no recriminations, no despairing parents. Just very much loved as they were, confident in themselves and "out".
I cannot understand how anyone can hate gays. There is no rhyme or reason for it, but for the religious zealotry and very bigoted, illogical fear planted in the bible thumpers by their respective religion besotted brains and warped sense of "sin" and morality.
Thanks so much speaking up about this. I'm also writing about bullying and "trickle down meanness" as endemic in our society, filled with adult hatred and polarization. There is collective responsibility here, but no one wants to own it.
I hope we all live to see the day when people are accepted for who they are, but I'm not holding my breath. Meanwhile, it's people speaking out and speaking up, who can help to change the hearts and minds of those who, out of fear and ignorance cannot tolerate differences.
Much love to you,
Judith
Your steadfast love and support is always so appreciated. We are better because of you. I am looking forward to reading your article.
Love
jason