What Do Mother's and Gay Marriage Have In Common?
I want you to know that I think my family is great, so why don't you people just stop all this hate? I know that love comes right from the heart. My parents taught me love from the start."-Hannah Jurs-Allen, fifth-grader, daughter of lesbian parents.
The November 2008 election saw the decimation of the rights of gays to marry and adopt. Although a few states since then have legislated gay marriage, the final decision on Proposition 8 (the ban against gay marriage passed during that election) will be determined this June, falling between Mother's Day and Father's Day. It couldn't be more timely. First, because it is exactly one year after the Court decided the ban on gay marriage was unconstitutional. Second, one of the greatest fallacies Protect Marriage has leveraged against gay marriage is the detrimental effect gay parenting would have on our children. However, personal stories and scientific research invalidates this misconception and illustrate why love and compassion are factors that are greater in the health of a child rather than the gender and sexual orientation of his/her parents.
Last year when the gay marriage ban was overturned I was moved by an interview I heard with a nineteen-year-old on KPCC's Airtalk. This teenager shared that her two mom's right to marry was based on love, not religion or politics. She stated emphatically that those who still oppose same-sex marriage lack a full understanding of the power of love, regardless of race, gender or sexual orientation. The mature sentiment of this nineteen-year-old was a clear indication that children being raised by same sex parents are well provided for and grow up to be loving, empathic, compassionate, and well-adjusted.
Gays and lesbian parents living authentically allow people to see that their love and joy does not threaten the families of those who hold different values.. I believe as more people come to know this as truth we will see allies growing in their support of the unfettered right to love and care for children. The argument that same-sex marriage erodes traditional standards that have been entrenched since the time of the Bible is erroneous. This same argument adds that gay marriage will distort children's views of sex and love. What they fail to acknowledge is that society does not evolve out of a rigid adherence to tradition. Our country and society itself was founded out of radical departures from oppression and stifled expression.
Gay men and women have been adopting / birthing children and creating families for years. Children will continue to have same sex parents regardless of whether marriage is sanctified or not. In the United States alone, 10 million people have at least one gay or lesbian parent. It would be healthier for individuals and society for all children to be raised in environments where the love his or her gay parents share is legally and socially recognized.
Research cited from an article in the journal of the American Sociological Association by Laura Hamilton, et.al (Indiana University) illustrates that the commitments by gay and lesbian parents are naturally more intensified due to the often arduous roads to adoption. Gay parenting "accidents" are a rarity. I personally know gay parents who have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars and received more intensified scrutiny in the adoption process. The same study of 13,000 parents including 161 adoptive families shows in some cases that adoptive parents actually rate better on activities including helping with homework, parental involvement in school, exposure to cultural activities and family. Also, the study specifically states that gay and lesbian parents may go the extra mile to ensure children's welfare in response to stigma and less social acceptance.
In addition, a review of 21 research studies over the past 20 years by Judith Stacey and Timothy J. Biblarz at University of Southern California, also published in the journal of American Sociological Association illustrates that children of lesbian or gay parents have more empathy and less attachment to rigid gender roles. Sons tend to be more nurturing and affectionate and daughters tend to feel comfortable pursuing traditionally masculine occupations. There are opponents to same-sex marriage who actually question whether or not these differences are healthy. I find it ludicrous to think that raising children with a healthier balance of masculine and feminine energy is undesirable. My friend and colleague Scott Molluso now in his thirties and raised by Gay and Lesbian parents has this to say
The APA published journal "Gay and Lesbian Parenting" addresses the typical questions regarding sexual abuse. It illustrates that the overwhelming cases of sexual abuse are of adult males abusing young females. Longitudinal studies of lesbian mothers showed zero signs of sexual abuse. There is no evidence that indicates children of gays and lesbians are at risk.
Is it fair that children of gay parents are under a microscope? It seems any typical developmental challenge a child of a gay parent may have will contain default blame like: "See, gay men and lesbians shouldn't be married or be parents!" There are an abundance of people in prisons and jails in our society. It is highly likely that these children have all had parents that are heterosexual. I would like to ask these heterosexual parents how they would react if their right to marry was based on the often uncontrollable outcome of the health of their children?
It is apparent that the argument that gay marriage is detrimental to society because of its potential effect on children is erroneous. My assumption is that those who claim that gay marriage is unhealthy for children have not taken the responsibility to comprehensively explore the research available that proves otherwise. This leads me to ponder if a society of hate has blindly become a money making institution. If not, then organizations that claim to be invested in the interest of children might consider taking the millions upon millions of dollars raised to spread hate and fear and use it to feed and clothe the plethora of hungry children living far below the poverty line right here in California.
I call upon each of us gay, straight, black, white, mother, father, mormon, atheist, Christian, Muslim, Jew, to stand steadfast in the love and compassion that resides in our hearts. As we do, I am confident that we can resolve intolerance, and that our love, compassion, and care for our children will become the qualifiers for marriage and parenthood rather than the sex of those we love.
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You can learn more about Jason's coaching or request his free e-book: "Mind Your Mind, Manager Your Thoughts - Tips to Turn Your Mind Into Your Ally" @ info@jmannino.com and le
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jason,
thank you so much for an enlightening and touching article, and also for linking those videos. i am in the midst of writing a paper for a college philosophy class on gendered spaces in America, examined through the controversy over Prop8 in Cali, and this article has been extremely helpful in coming up with ideas. I also admire the strength and conviction with which you write. kudos.
I was going to say what they have in common is that they all want to be treated like Queens. But I won't.
It certainly sounds from all the sources that gay marriage is the panacea for all the world's problems. Like how pot is the new miracle drug, curing everything. But since you have a plea to Christians to "stop the hate" as the usual buzz-slogan goes, I'll respond to that.
God established marriage as the very hateful union of one man and one woman. To Him, that is a holy bond, representing the two sides of the hole (no jokes, please) coming together and completing each other. That is why He has such a very dim view of divorce, and anything that might be counterfeit to that holy bond. And why Christians will never accept gay marriage.
You miss the point that this is an equal / civil rights issue and not about religion.
Jason, excellent article! It's so sad that people still hide behind a bible that was written by men to disguise their hatred and intolerance. One of my best friends was raised by her two dads, and she's the nicest person I know. Her house is one based in love, and I've never been upset when I've been there.
What words written by men do you hide behind?
None. I don't have a bible or religious text that I follow.
(continuation from my previous comment) But what makes this love wonderful is the response to imperfect circumstances and imperfect people. Without these difficult things in our life, how would we really know the depth of our love? How could our love be perfected? Our love is like a raw piece of mahogany wood. The difficulties of life and relationships are the sand paper that rubs away the impurities and brings out the beauty of the wood. Suffering brings out the true beauty of love. And this is what I think Mother’s Day (and even Father’s Day) is all about. It is about honoring those first relationships in our life that modeled true love for us: commitment to imperfect people. And even though those first relationships may not have given true love to us, there comes a time when we realize that in order for our own true love to be revealed we must cover those first imperfect people with forgiveness and true love. My dream is that we will one day not only love our family and good friends this way but that we would also love our neighbors and those who disagree with us with this kind of love.
I wish that you all could know Tom. There have been moments in my life when I have doubted, been depressed and felt lost in my life yet he has been patient and kind. I have done things and said things that I never thought I would and he has forgiven me. He gives me the freedom to mess up and disagree with him and yet he believes that I am worth it. He tells me the truth when telling the truth means that I could get mad. I am so thankful for such a wonderful husband. And for this to work, I have had to do the same for him and I’m sure he would say the same about me. I hope you can see that I am not painting a fairytale love. We have had extremely difficult times including incredible loss, misunderstandings, betrayal and false accusations.
I agree and I would ask that you also send the same message to those who are against polygamy and polyandry. Having several moms or dads can enhance the loving and caring in a family situation as their is more love, time, and caring to go around.
Very sarcastic and you completely missed the author's point.
Before the male, 'career / life coach' author of this article opines any more on motherhood,
he should step down off his soapbox and read the article "Saving Mother's Lives" in this Living section.
I learned a long time ago that men are generally clueless when it comes to motherhood.
You have to be clueless (or maybe a 'life coach' who takes money for handing out advice) to equate motherhood to gay marriage. But this guy's got lots of fans here so presumably he's happily clueless.
GOODNESS lady you sound like a genuine man-hater. You think men are clueless to motherhood? I REALLY beg to differ.
My mom raised 4 kids by herself after my father left us. Subsequently, no unwanted pregnancies, no drug abuse, no criminal activity, etc. She showed unconditional love and support and you can be CERTAIN that my siblings and I know and experienced first hand AMAZING MOTHERHOOD. She was and still is the most amazingly supportive non-judgmental person I have ever met.
I am not sure WHO WHY or at WHAT you are trying to lash out here with regard to your post above. You seem very angry as if perhaps you feel no one understands YOUR struggle as a mother? I firmly believe one doesn't have to be a woman to respect and understand MOTHERHOOD. I am proof of that. I am my mother's son and proud of her hard work.
Last, you COMPLETELY missed the point of Mr. Mannino's article. He was NOT "equating" motherhood to gay marriage. It's very clearly written. He is basically saying that being gay or lesbian should not be an issue when it comes to being a parent. I know same-sex couples who do AMAZING jobs raising enlightened, thoughtful and genuinely kind children- JUST like heterosexual couples...
Why should I come across as a man-hater ? I would be the first to admit that when it comes to the INTERNAL experience of fatherhood, I am as clueless as my husband is when it comes to the INTERNAL experience of motherhood. That is why we are meant to complement each other. And that is why I have deep and fundamental issues with, for example, two men setting up housekeeping, calling themselves 'husband and wife'
(what is wrong with the neutral term spouse ?), buying eggs from an egg donor, paying a surrogate to gestate them, and taking the infants home from the hospital to raise. I don't care how 'good' of parents they are on a physical level, on an energetic level a parental relationship based on sodomite behaviors is not a healthy dynamic for children.
But what do I know, I'm not an enlightened city dweller, just an organic homesteader.
First, thanks for giving out your advice for free! However, I read the article before you advised me. I appreciate our shared compassion and empathy for saving mother's lives.
I feel as though you only read the title. Allow me to clarify my intention: My main purpose for the title was the timeliness. Ultimately, I think it is clear that I in no way attempt to equate gay marriage and motherhood. It would be interesting to hear how you think that would even be possible? Saying something has something in common with something else (in this case parenthood and gay marriage) is not saying they are the same.
My obvious intention was to dispel the myth and judgment (like what you've perpetuated in your comment) that human beings who come into this life as gay or lesbian are any less worthy of parenting.
My clients would tell you that my coaching isn't advice giving. And, in addition to making a living I have been doing free community based work as a coach/facilitator since i was in my early 20's
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mydwyf- I hear you! and the beauty of the HuffPost is that people have different views. You are entitled to yours
But - hopefully you saw the videos- For me that is what Jason has given us - they are treasures- If you have you will see for yourself love that is unconditional from children- LOVE is what life is about- I haven't seen a child so bright, loving and wise as the little boy in the video and also see the other video.
We need more kindness in this world- more acceptance of other peoples reality. Less generalization. There are wise and ignorant people whether they are male or female.
Jason is one of the most compassionate bloggers who write for the Huffpost.
May all people be Happy and free from Suffering,
Ed
The new generation of children is 'bright, loving and wise'. Many of them are in far from good family situations and they are still 'bright, loving and wise'. Perhaps it is the children
and not so much the parenting ? Sometimes methinks we give the parents too much credit for the energy which the children bring to the family . . .
I'm in an interracial marriage (my husband is Chinese, I am a Euro-mutt). We were legally married in Virginia by a JP and then had a gay friend officiate our wedding ceremony with friends and family. We were aware then the significance of what a different world we would have been in had we been born 30 years earlier. One of the godmothers to our sons is bi-leaning
May we all grow in beauty.
Thank you, DragonMama! I'm gonna favorite you! :D
Jason, great article! Just 42 short years ago Blacks were not allowed to marry Whites. If you replace "same-sex marriage" with "interracial marriage" and "gay couples" with "interracial couples" we are back to where we started with the same bigotry and hatred of the 1960’s. With continued education and a demand for more separation of church and state, this too shall pass. Bill Cooper
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Jason- these 2 video's are so heartwarming thank you!
Big Love, Big Hugs,
Ed
See Ed and Deb Shapiro's Profile
Hey Jason- How outrageous this whole saga is- even the thought that other people can vote & can tell - can decide what another person or persons can do is preposterous especially if is not hurting them- and yet it is happening- it is mind boggling to any intelligent human being- even hilarious - yet it is happening- whatever the reasons the anti-gay scene is plain and simply sick and shocking in this 21 Century - as it is archaic -
But i like to see things through the other persons eyes. Rather than play the same game (hating back). Being hateful, angered etc. doesn't seem to work for me. What is it what makes people so upset and so freaked out over something that does not have anything personal to do with them? what is it in them that makes them so belligerent? We all have to dig deep and see what causes/is the cause of so much aggression?
To begin with fear, hate and delusion is powerful- self hate is certainly a root cause. The fear of facing their own possible homosexuality could also be possible. But when there is self hate there is a tendency to project it outward and something that is threatening to their belief system could trigger off anti-gay sentiment
just a thought
May all people be Happy!
Ed
The only perverts in this situation are the "straight people" who judge other peoples sex lives, and by doing so, they put perverted ideas into childrens heads.
All human beings basically do the same things during sex. Its like saying that the missionary position is the only acceptable way to love someone. Its just ridiculous.
Sex is way more important than to procreate. We have sexual needs all of our lives, not just to procreate. But, these loud mouthed opponents of human rights are sending very confusing ideas to children. And these are the people who pride themselves on being good parents, or traditional parents or whatever. They are teaching children to hate, to judge, and to think perverted thoughts. That is the worst kind of parent you can be.
Imagine what goes through a childs head that is being raised by loving gay parents when some jerk says their parents are "unnatural", or perverted in some way. I think there should be some kind of consequence for this. Its hate speech, not an opinion. And it hurts all children who hear it.
Wow Indywoman i cant think of a statement that is less tolerant than yours. Straight people put perverted ideas into their children's heads? Teaching children to hate and think perverted thoughts? Are you kidding me?
A consequence for this as hate speech? And what should that be? Whats next to be labeled as hate speech?
Please look in the mirror when you make claims of loudmouthed people being against "human rights" and perverting children's minds. Its not about questioning the ability to love someone. Its about unravelling our country's foundation and the core of our society. There is nothing wrong with traditional family values. No one is advocating hate, except you that is..
Actually, there are plenty of people advocating hate. I know many of these people personally. I live in a very conservative community and interact in circles where a gay person is considered unnatural and someone to be feared. I have heard people speak one way in what they think is a private setting, and another way in public. Publicly they claim, as you do, that they want to "protect the American family". In private, many of them would be perfectly happy if the entire lifestyle were outlawed. They use words like "disgusting", "sick", "abomination", etc. Some even
Your idea of "traditional family values" is a nostalgic fantasy. The structure of the American family has evolved greatly over the last two cenuries. Your argument of gay marriage "unravelling our country's foundation" is false hype. It is also the exact same argument that was used to justify the continuation of slavery 150 years ago.
The mere existence of gay couples has not destroyed my family. That gay couples have children has not destroyed my family. That gay couples can get married in a handful of states has not destroyed my family. Likewise, allowing gay couples to marry nationwide will not detsroy my family.
The only thing that endangers any specific "traditional" family is the inability of its members to follow values like fidelity, honesty, and unconditional love.
Can you read? You obviously didn't understand my words. Children don't think of sex before their teens, unless someone around them is talking about it, and then it is still confusing to them.
When they hear the kind of things said against gay sex, it must be very scary indeed.My point is that sex itself is very personal to each couple, and that we all do basically the same things for each other, no matter who is in the bed. To judge that when you are doing it yourself is saying, its alright for me to do it, but not you.
What other reason could one give for being against gay couples and gay families?? I'm saying that when I meet a married couple with children, I don't start picturing them having sex. But that is EXACTLY what people do who are against being gay. Its all about the sex, so I say THEY are the perverts.
And then they teach that to children. That is child abuse. That is abusive to every child of gay parents as well. And to call it an opinion is understating it. How can any sane human being hurt the children of gay parents like that??
"Unraveling our country's foundation and the core of our society". How can that be true if gay peole want to get married and have loving families? In fact, there are already thousands and thousands (maybe more) gay families in existence. These are families. A family unit. If that is the foundation and core of our society, then that is a non-argument, because that is all they want.
And using the argument of "whats next" is also ridiculous. That is just a scare tactic that is spewed by many who claim to be so faithful in their belief in God. And then they name some truly disgusting idea, like a human marrying a goat or something. It is so ridiculous I can't believe they can say it. I am sure it does not please God that so many are so hateful in HIS name.
Great article, Jason.
I'm pulling a few words from one of your replies: "ignorance and lack of exposure."
These are, I think, the biggest obstacles to acceptance of gay marriage and gay parenthood.
It's easy to hate something you don't understand or have never encountered personally.
As more and more members of the LBGT community secure the right to marry or become parents---and the larger society gets to know us on a one-on-one basis---I think opposition will fall away naturally.
I think we have a bright future.
Thank you! I think we have a bright future too. Thanks for your optimistic outlook! We are seeing signs all the time!
Take care!
Jason
Dearest Jason,
Thank you so much for sharing this incredible piece. Two of the BEST parents I know are an amzing gay couple. I know how hard they had to fight to adopt their children, and how incredibly loved those children are.
Our world will be a better place when love (Gay marriage) is honored over tradition!
Your Fan,
Eli Davidson
Eli,
Thanks for you undying support! it's a gift to me!
Love and Light!
Jason
Jason: Let me pile on the thanks for this incredibly thoughtful and well-constructed piece. What a historic time we're living in. I only want to add one personal anectodote: As a gay male, one of the most moving moments in my adult life was being asked recently by my 23 year-old niece to help officiate her wedding. I'm not a clergyman -- indeed quite the contrary, I'm a PR guy. But recognizing the power of generation-next to not just look beyond current stereotypes and constructs, but to choose to create a different world based on their vision of "right" -- where gay uncles can lead straight wedding ceremonies -- it's surely a sign there is hope for all.
In preparing my remarks for her improtant day, I asked her and her future husband to define "family" as they wish. They said: "To us, family is a group of eclectic, separate-but-united individuals who love, pester, nuture, and nag, yet endlessly support whatever you do, care for whomever you love, and love you beyond imaginatio
Thanks for the inspired and inspiring writing!
Daryl:
I appreciate you so much! Thanks for sharing this story. Your story brings a tear to my eye and puts a lump in my throat. We need to hear more loving, compassionate stories like yours!
I too have been blessed with an unconditionally loving family. Me and my gay twin held up the Chupa at our only other (straight) brother's wedding. I can't imagine it would EVER have been any other way for us.
Thanks for your support!
Jason
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