I want you to know that I think my family is great, so why don't you people just stop all this hate? I know that love comes right from the heart. My parents taught me love from the start."-Hannah Jurs-Allen, fifth-grader, daughter of lesbian parents.
The November 2008 election saw the decimation of the rights of gays to marry and adopt. Although a few states since then have legislated gay marriage, the final decision on Proposition 8 (the ban against gay marriage passed during that election) will be determined this June, falling between Mother's Day and Father's Day. It couldn't be more timely. First, because it is exactly one year after the Court decided the ban on gay marriage was unconstitutional. Second, one of the greatest fallacies Protect Marriage has leveraged against gay marriage is the detrimental effect gay parenting would have on our children. However, personal stories and scientific research invalidates this misconception and illustrate why love and compassion are factors that are greater in the health of a child rather than the gender and sexual orientation of his/her parents.
Last year when the gay marriage ban was overturned I was moved by an interview I heard with a nineteen-year-old on KPCC's Airtalk. This teenager shared that her two mom's right to marry was based on love, not religion or politics. She stated emphatically that those who still oppose same-sex marriage lack a full understanding of the power of love, regardless of race, gender or sexual orientation. The mature sentiment of this nineteen-year-old was a clear indication that children being raised by same sex parents are well provided for and grow up to be loving, empathic, compassionate, and well-adjusted.
Gays and lesbian parents living authentically allow people to see that their love and joy does not threaten the families of those who hold different values.. I believe as more people come to know this as truth we will see allies growing in their support of the unfettered right to love and care for children. The argument that same-sex marriage erodes traditional standards that have been entrenched since the time of the Bible is erroneous. This same argument adds that gay marriage will distort children's views of sex and love. What they fail to acknowledge is that society does not evolve out of a rigid adherence to tradition. Our country and society itself was founded out of radical departures from oppression and stifled expression.
Gay men and women have been adopting / birthing children and creating families for years. Children will continue to have same sex parents regardless of whether marriage is sanctified or not. In the United States alone, 10 million people have at least one gay or lesbian parent. It would be healthier for individuals and society for all children to be raised in environments where the love his or her gay parents share is legally and socially recognized.
Research cited from an article in the journal of the American Sociological Association by Laura Hamilton, et.al (Indiana University) illustrates that the commitments by gay and lesbian parents are naturally more intensified due to the often arduous roads to adoption. Gay parenting "accidents" are a rarity. I personally know gay parents who have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars and received more intensified scrutiny in the adoption process. The same study of 13,000 parents including 161 adoptive families shows in some cases that adoptive parents actually rate better on activities including helping with homework, parental involvement in school, exposure to cultural activities and family. Also, the study specifically states that gay and lesbian parents may go the extra mile to ensure children's welfare in response to stigma and less social acceptance.
In addition, a review of 21 research studies over the past 20 years by Judith Stacey and Timothy J. Biblarz at University of Southern California, also published in the journal of American Sociological Association illustrates that children of lesbian or gay parents have more empathy and less attachment to rigid gender roles. Sons tend to be more nurturing and affectionate and daughters tend to feel comfortable pursuing traditionally masculine occupations. There are opponents to same-sex marriage who actually question whether or not these differences are healthy. I find it ludicrous to think that raising children with a healthier balance of masculine and feminine energy is undesirable. My friend and colleague Scott Molluso now in his thirties and raised by Gay and Lesbian parents has this to say
The APA published journal "Gay and Lesbian Parenting" addresses the typical questions regarding sexual abuse. It illustrates that the overwhelming cases of sexual abuse are of adult males abusing young females. Longitudinal studies of lesbian mothers showed zero signs of sexual abuse. There is no evidence that indicates children of gays and lesbians are at risk.
Is it fair that children of gay parents are under a microscope? It seems any typical developmental challenge a child of a gay parent may have will contain default blame like: "See, gay men and lesbians shouldn't be married or be parents!" There are an abundance of people in prisons and jails in our society. It is highly likely that these children have all had parents that are heterosexual. I would like to ask these heterosexual parents how they would react if their right to marry was based on the often uncontrollable outcome of the health of their children?
It is apparent that the argument that gay marriage is detrimental to society because of its potential effect on children is erroneous. My assumption is that those who claim that gay marriage is unhealthy for children have not taken the responsibility to comprehensively explore the research available that proves otherwise. This leads me to ponder if a society of hate has blindly become a money making institution. If not, then organizations that claim to be invested in the interest of children might consider taking the millions upon millions of dollars raised to spread hate and fear and use it to feed and clothe the plethora of hungry children living far below the poverty line right here in California.
I call upon each of us gay, straight, black, white, mother, father, mormon, atheist, Christian, Muslim, Jew, to stand steadfast in the love and compassion that resides in our hearts. As we do, I am confident that we can resolve intolerance, and that our love, compassion, and care for our children will become the qualifiers for marriage and parenthood rather than the sex of those we love.
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thank you so much for an enlightening and touching article, and also for linking those videos. i am in the midst of writing a paper for a college philosophy class on gendered spaces in America, examined through the controversy over Prop8 in Cali, and this article has been extremely helpful in coming up with ideas. I also admire the strength and conviction with which you write. kudos.
It certainly sounds from all the sources that gay marriage is the panacea for all the world's problems. Like how pot is the new miracle drug, curing everything. But since you have a plea to Christians to "stop the hate" as the usual buzz-slogan goes, I'll respond to that.
God established marriage as the very hateful union of one man and one woman. To Him, that is a holy bond, representing the two sides of the hole (no jokes, please) coming together and completing each other. That is why He has such a very dim view of divorce, and anything that might be counterfeit to that holy bond. And why Christians will never accept gay marriage.
he should step down off his soapbox and read the article "Saving Mother's Lives" in this Living section.
I learned a long time ago that men are generally clueless when it comes to motherhood.
You have to be clueless (or maybe a 'life coach' who takes money for handing out advice) to equate motherhood to gay marriage. But this guy's got lots of fans here so presumably he's happily clueless.
My mom raised 4 kids by herself after my father left us. Subsequently, no unwanted pregnancies, no drug abuse, no criminal activity, etc. She showed unconditional love and support and you can be CERTAIN that my siblings and I know and experienced first hand AMAZING MOTHERHOOD. She was and still is the most amazingly supportive non-judgmental person I have ever met.
I am not sure WHO WHY or at WHAT you are trying to lash out here with regard to your post above. You seem very angry as if perhaps you feel no one understands YOUR struggle as a mother? I firmly believe one doesn't have to be a woman to respect and understand MOTHERHOOD. I am proof of that. I am my mother's son and proud of her hard work.
Last, you COMPLETELY missed the point of Mr. Mannino's article. He was NOT "equating" motherhood to gay marriage. It's very clearly written. He is basically saying that being gay or lesbian should not be an issue when it comes to being a parent. I know same-sex couples who do AMAZING jobs raising enlightened, thoughtful and genuinely kind children- JUST like heterosexual couples...or in my case a single mom.
(what is wrong with the neutral term spouse ?), buying eggs from an egg donor, paying a surrogate to gestate them, and taking the infants home from the hospital to raise. I don't care how 'good' of parents they are on a physical level, on an energetic level a parental relationship based on sodomite behaviors is not a healthy dynamic for children.
But what do I know, I'm not an enlightened city dweller, just an organic homesteader.
I feel as though you only read the title. Allow me to clarify my intention: My main purpose for the title was the timeliness. Ultimately, I think it is clear that I in no way attempt to equate gay marriage and motherhood. It would be interesting to hear how you think that would even be possible? Saying something has something in common with something else (in this case parenthood and gay marriage) is not saying they are the same.
My obvious intention was to dispel the myth and judgment (like what you've perpetuated in your comment) that human beings who come into this life as gay or lesbian are any less worthy of parenting.
My clients would tell you that my coaching isn't advice giving. And, in addition to making a living I have been doing free community based work as a coach/facilitator since i was in my early 20's
May we all grow in beauty.
Big Love, Big Hugs,
Ed
But i like to see things through the other persons eyes. Rather than play the same game (hating back). Being hateful, angered etc. doesn't seem to work for me. What is it what makes people so upset and so freaked out over something that does not have anything personal to do with them? what is it in them that makes them so belligerent? We all have to dig deep and see what causes/is the cause of so much aggression?
To begin with fear, hate and delusion is powerful- self hate is certainly a root cause. The fear of facing their own possible homosexuality could also be possible. But when there is self hate there is a tendency to project it outward and something that is threatening to their belief system could trigger off anti-gay sentiment
just a thought
May all people be Happy!
Ed
All human beings basically do the same things during sex. Its like saying that the missionary position is the only acceptable way to love someone. Its just ridiculous.
Sex is way more important than to procreate. We have sexual needs all of our lives, not just to procreate. But, these loud mouthed opponents of human rights are sending very confusing ideas to children. And these are the people who pride themselves on being good parents, or traditional parents or whatever. They are teaching children to hate, to judge, and to think perverted thoughts. That is the worst kind of parent you can be.
Imagine what goes through a childs head that is being raised by loving gay parents when some jerk says their parents are "unnatural", or perverted in some way. I think there should be some kind of consequence for this. Its hate speech, not an opinion. And it hurts all children who hear it.
A consequence for this as hate speech? And what should that be? Whats next to be labeled as hate speech?
Please look in the mirror when you make claims of loudmouthed people being against "human rights" and perverting children's minds. Its not about questioning the ability to love someone. Its about unravelling our country's foundation and the core of our society. There is nothing wrong with traditional family values. No one is advocating hate, except you that is..
Your idea of "traditional family values" is a nostalgic fantasy. The structure of the American family has evolved greatly over the last two cenuries. Your argument of gay marriage "unravelling our country's foundation" is false hype. It is also the exact same argument that was used to justify the continuation of slavery 150 years ago.
The mere existence of gay couples has not destroyed my family. That gay couples have children has not destroyed my family. That gay couples can get married in a handful of states has not destroyed my family. Likewise, allowing gay couples to marry nationwide will not detsroy my family.
The only thing that endangers any specific "traditional" family is the inability of its members to follow values like fidelity, honesty, and unconditional love.
When they hear the kind of things said against gay sex, it must be very scary indeed.My point is that sex itself is very personal to each couple, and that we all do basically the same things for each other, no matter who is in the bed. To judge that when you are doing it yourself is saying, its alright for me to do it, but not you.
What other reason could one give for being against gay couples and gay families?? I'm saying that when I meet a married couple with children, I don't start picturing them having sex. But that is EXACTLY what people do who are against being gay. Its all about the sex, so I say THEY are the perverts.
And then they teach that to children. That is child abuse. That is abusive to every child of gay parents as well. And to call it an opinion is understating it. How can any sane human being hurt the children of gay parents like that??
I'm pulling a few words from one of your replies: "ignorance and lack of exposure."
These are, I think, the biggest obstacles to acceptance of gay marriage and gay parenthood.
It's easy to hate something you don't understand or have never encountered personally.
As more and more members of the LBGT community secure the right to marry or become parents---and the larger society gets to know us on a one-on-one basis---I think opposition will fall away naturally.
I think we have a bright future.
Take care!
Jason
Thank you so much for sharing this incredible piece. Two of the BEST parents I know are an amzing gay couple. I know how hard they had to fight to adopt their children, and how incredibly loved those children are.
Our world will be a better place when love (Gay marriage) is honored over tradition!
Your Fan,
Eli Davidson
Thanks for you undying support! it's a gift to me!
Love and Light!
Jason
In preparing my remarks for her improtant day, I asked her and her future husband to define "family" as they wish. They said: "To us, family is a group of eclectic, separate-but-united individuals who love, pester, nuture, and nag, yet endlessly support whatever you do, care for whomever you love, and love you beyond imagination." If everyone -- regardless of their dogma -- felt like this, surely the world be a better place, and marriage equality be a moot point.
Thanks for the inspired and inspiring writing!
I appreciate you so much! Thanks for sharing this story. Your story brings a tear to my eye and puts a lump in my throat. We need to hear more loving, compassionate stories like yours!
I too have been blessed with an unconditionally loving family. Me and my gay twin held up the Chupa at our only other (straight) brother's wedding. I can't imagine it would EVER have been any other way for us.
Thanks for your support!
Jason