FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
The following is a transcript from the press conference this afternoon when I officially endorsed Barak Obama as the Democratic candidate in 2008:
I'd like to thank everyone for coming to my apartment today. Unfortunately the Double Babylon Grand Ballroom at the Hilton wasn't available. Please squeeze in back there. Some of you up front might have to double up on the futon.
I'm glad to see that our friends from the "Hikikomori Times" could make it. I know that Barak Obama is concerned about your readers and the world outside of their bedrooms in Japan.
Please refrain from taking pictures during my speech as the flashes frighten the cats and my fish. And me.
I'd also like to express my appreciation to Nabisco. Without their support the generous piles of Fig Newtons you see on plates around you would not have been made possible. In fact, I'd like to elaborate for a moment on Fig Newtons and the importance of having them in your life.
(Due to technical difficulties this portion of the event was erased. Please call me at 655.485.9586 and I'll gladly talk to you about Fig Newtons and what they can do for you.)
As you'll know from reading my bio while walking up the six flights of stairs I, like Mr. Obama, am of mixed race. Mr. Obama's father was from Kenya and his mother was from Kansas. My father is from Libya (Go Mighty Camels!) and my mother is also from Kansas. It is on that deeply personal connection that I officially endorse Mr. Obama as the Democratic candidate for President.
I'll now take questions.
Reporter: Kate McGill from the "KB Toys Today," can you elaborate on your feelings about Mr. Obama's plans for health care?
Me: I don't have a clue. And neither should your four dozen readers. He is half Kansan, half African and so am I. Didn't I make that clear?
Reporter: Frank Bracco from "The Las Vegas Cobbler," what about Mr. Obama's stance on immigration? Mitt Romney said that -
Me: What's a Mitt Roney?
Frank Bracco: Mitt Romney. He is campaigning for the Republican nomination.
Me: Oh, well has Mr. Ronmey ever been to Africa? 'Cause Mr. Obama has and that is awesome. Next question.
Reporter: Sheila Sullivan from "Smother Magazine," can I use your bathroom?
Me: No, you need a token for the bathroom. I can give you change if you have a single.
Reporter: Bryce (refused to give last name or publication), how tall are you and what deodorant do you use?
Me: I'm 6'3". I use Old Spice.
Bryce: Spray or stick?
Me: Stick. Better for the environment. Which I think Mr. Obama likes, too.
Seems like all we have time for. Thanks to all of you for coming to Yonkers on such short notice.
And so to recap:
Give peace a chance.
Stack your chairs on the way out.
Obama in 2008.
If we could all move into the kitchen I'll pose for pictures.
Thanks.