If you happened to spot my fiancee and I walking through the park and holding hands like we're in love or something, you'd probably want to barf. You might even expect Mr. Bluebird to land on her shoulder. But you'd never suspect that we just got done fighting about our upcoming wedding and hating each other's guts. Not when Caroline herself looks far too innocent and delicate and beautiful to fill the air with beastly words. And me, well, I'm way too mature-looking to be sweating the small stuff and messing with an angry lady. (I couldn't even type that with a straight face.)
Even seemingly perfect couples fight about wedding plans. Why? Because we're human beings, that's why, and humans are stupid, selfish, and prone to seeing 99 percent of everything from our own very skewed perspective. Except for me, of course, because I have no faults. But the odds are stacked against the rest of you, so good luck.
Whenever I'm feeling victimized by my snugglemuffin-turned-rageaholic fiancee, my dad likes to remind me that we're all a product of our environment. I've tried keeping this in mind when Caroline's ripping me a new one, I really have. But when I picture the environment she comes from, all I see is a jungle full of wild animals. Lions, tigers, bears and a huge snake that's about to bite my head off and suck all the blood from my neck hole. Therefore, I must defend myself at all costs and come up with at least three not-very-legit excuses for my behavior. Pretty sure that's the opposite of what I'm supposed to do, but I literally can't help myself.
There's probably no hope for us, now that I think of it, but the good news is you can learn from the mistakes we keep making over and over again.
Here are my no-brainer tips for planning your wedding without killing your spouse-to-be:
1. Communicate! Go figure, but Caroline and I are far too lazy to do this. We're like the blind leading the blind down the aisle and straight off a cliff.
2. Be honest about what you want, then prepare to compromise. Caroline's not the best at expressing her inner desires (I think I'm supposed to know what they are already?), but I'm definitely worse. I don't really care about wedding details ... until I do.
3. Don't discuss the invitation list till the last possible second. This pointless discussion will inevitably lead to you storming out of the house, getting in your car, driving to McDonald's, and coming back 10 minutes later with a McFlurry and a grumpy look on your face. Not that I've ever done this.
4. Don't buy any of those stupid wedding magazines. You're just setting yourself up for disappointment. Your wedding ain't gonna look like that unless you have a Sugar Daddy Warbucks waiting in the wings, ready to write a check to cover it. Caroline now uses her magazines as something to paint her nails over, and that's what I call making the best out of a dumb purchase.
5. Don't log in to TheKnot.com. Or else you risk too much boredom exposure.
Ready, set, wed! If you follow these amazing tips, you might get married by 2016 or so. Caroline and I are right behind you, we swear.
Follow Jay Clark on Twitter: www.twitter.com/jaypatrickclark