Fred Thompson spent seven wholly uninspired years in the Senate. He lacks charm, isn't funny, thinks we're still fighting the Cold War and was in that piece of cinematic genocide, Curly Sue.
And his Arthur Branch was just total bullshit compared to the curmudgeonly genius of Adam Schiff.
We don't agree on a single issue. And yet, I'd vote for him. Because Fred Thompson is running exactly the campaign I would if I were to run for president. That is, completely half-assed.
Thompson is running with the same motivation as someone who was just told he only has thirty-five years to live. At campaign appearances, he looks like someone who has been on hold for twenty minutes. And he responds to reporters' questions as if a friend had just asked him to help him move.
Fred and I approach life the same way.
If you look closely, during debates you can see him subtly check his watch and make the can-we-speed-this-thing-up hand roll. And I have little doubt than when his advisers informed him that he was receiving the coveted endorsement of the National Right to Life Committee, it was met with an eye roll and a muttered "Crap. They'll probably want a personal appearance or something."
And, best of all, he announced his candidacy on The Tonight Show. No cornfield in Iowa for Fred. Nope. No Boys and Girls Club outside of Concord, NH, and no retirement home in downtown Memphis. But that only makes sense. Do they have craft services buffet at a youth center? Is Teri Hatcher going to be co-appearing at the cornfield to announce her latest project?
Nobody wants to hang out in the parking lot of some crap factory explaining the intricacies of trade protection, the global economy and health benefits to a sea of jumpsuits and safety goggles. I certainly wouldn't. Those people rarely look like they're having fun and almost certainly don't have any good gossip about the Desperate Housewives set.
And he has a trophy wife. I don't have a trophy anything, but, if I did, I'd parade it around too. What better way to announce that you're important without having to put forth any effort?
So we might disagree on everything, Fred. You're a rightwing nut-job who will undoubtedly destroy what little is left of our country. But I do get you. You had me at "Hell no."