It's a Good Day to Be a Republican

05/25/2011 12:20 pm ET

Yep, you heard that right. This is the one day of the year that it is better to be a Republican.

If you live in Iowa, that is.

The Republicans have this caucus thing exactly right. You show up, write the name of the candidate you want on a slip of paper, drop it in a box, and then race home in time for Ugly Betty.

There's no talking to anyone. No cajoling other people in the room to vote the same way as you. No begging. Just in and out. Civilized.

The Democrats? More like a 7th grade gym class choosing dodge ball teams. There is a lot of arguing, hurt feelings and wild promises made in a desperate bid to not be picked last.

And yes, that last kid standing against the wall, the one with the lazy eye and orthopedic boot, is Kucinich.

Honestly, who votes this way? Haggling with your fellow townspeople to come join you in a corner of the room? The people you live next to? The people who think, "If Christmas lights can cheer up a window frame for two weeks, then dammit, why not the whole year?" These people are going to influence me toward Clinton's corner? The guy in apartment 3D who lets his cat treat the hallway as a litter box pied-à-terre is going to harass me into voting for Joseph Biden?

Hell no.

I've lived in New York for over 10 years and have gone to great lengths to avoid talking to my neighbors. I'm not saying if one was on fire I wouldn't help, but as I turned the extinguisher toward him, I'd first ask why he's so convinced that Zeppelin sounds better at 3 a.m. than, say, anytime in the afternoon. (I mean, seriously, a New York caucus? Did someone mean to walk toward Edwards' corner, or was he simply disoriented from a Dodd fan's pepper spray?)

Voting means a trip to your local elementary school, a polite nod to the octogenarian manning the electoral roll, an eye roll at the designated choices, and then basking in the smug sense of performing one's civic duty that should sustain a sense of righteousness for at least two to three months.

I love democracy. And Democrats. Really. But for god's sake, don't make me talk to anyone I live around about it.