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Gay Answers to the High Holidays

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With the outpouring success and responses to Gay Answers to Passover, I bring you the High Holiday edition to answer all your gay questions about the High HolidÍays. Have an amazing new Jew year to all and don't forget to at least make a resolution to know what the actual Hebrew year is!

"What is Rosh Hashanah?"

It's the Jewish New Year, 5774 to be exact. No year of the monkey, elephant or zebra. Just the Jewish New Year. Dick Clark will NOT be counting down (for many reasons) and no balls will be dropping (err). Literal translation: "Head of the Year". (We've heard the "head" jokes before). What's most exciting about the High Holidays? There's no history of anyone trying to kill the Jews prompting this celebratory holiday! Yay, we live!

"Wait, Rosh Hashanah is so early this year... Wednesday night, September 4, why?"

Global Warming. Totally blame Al Gore for our early version of Rosh Hashanah. In all seriousness boys and girls, you're going to need to "call out Jewish" from work just two days after returning from your Labor Day beach vacation. After spending an entire summer of eating just lettuce and muscle-milk so your one-size-too-small bathing suit fits and your love handles don't pop out of your shredder, the Jew-holidays are here to ruin everything you did to create a six-pack.

The Jewish calendar goes according to the lunar cycle. As the Moon is our goddess, Jewish holidays actually start at night and carry into the next day. Oh, why is that? In the bible, the verse reads, "...and then there was light", which indicates there was night first, hence our days start at night! I bet you didn't know that.

"I'm not Jewish, can I celebrate the High Holidays?"

Certainly! We always crash your gentile holidays! And now is the perfect time to attend synagogue to meet a nice Jewish boy to take home to your Baptist mother in time for Christmas!

"Why do Jews eat apples dipped in honey on this holiday?"

It symbolizes our wish for a sweet year to come. Get it? Honey = sweet = sweet near year. We eat lots of sweet stuff on the New Year to symbolize this. Mindful gays replace sweet sugary stuff with Splenda or Stevia as to not make waste of their Barry's Bootcamp package.

"High Holiday Synagogue-going is really overwhelming, how do I handle it?"

It's all about strategy. Ensure you sit in an aisle-row for easy exit, not in view of the Rabbi, so you can pass out during the sermon. Ensure you are seated next to someone who can offer you professional or personal advice in an area you need. I always recommend sitting next to doctors, as they are much more giving of scripts on the high holidays. Lastly, definitely complain to anyone who will listen how hot it is inside Temple, no matter how hot or cold it really is.

"Can I use Grindr during services?"

Well, God is zero feet away (+/- 237 feet), but sure. Kindly minimize the brightness and find something sexier to say than "In synagogue, rarely do this, but..." Update your 'looking for' to a "a short service" and when they ask 'PNP?', respond with a "Yeah, I party 'n pray." Don't bother starring Him, because you wont follow up for at least a year, and don't BLOCK Him until AFTER Yom Kippur. It would be so awkward if God received that "This member has blocked you before reading this message" pop-up. Your year will suck if God blocks you first.

"What's that throwing-the-sins-in-the-water ceremony?"

On the first day of Rosh Hashanah we go to the ocean (or a stream, river, the Central Park reservoir, Rehoboth Beach or Fire Island), pray, and then throw breadcrumbs into the water, so the fish can symbolically eat our sins. As there probably isn't enough bread in the world to atone for all your sins, just take a couple of slices and cast it in the water. Be mindful of the gay fish and seagulls that watch their weight too, so consider a multi-grain option or you'll have those snappers at your Barry's Boot Camp classes. And we all know you don't want your gym to smell like fish.

"What is Yom Kippur and do I really have to fast on that day?"

Yom Kippur is the Day of Atonement, it's the ONE-day a year we pray for our sins. While the gentiles have lent, celibacy, confession booths and ham, all we have is Yom Kippur fasting and Jewish guilt. You don't have to fast on Yom Kippur, but that'll result in the Jewish guilt popping out. And no, staying home all-day and watching Schindler's List isn't the same thing.

"But that week is such a busy week, LeBron James is getting married and it's NYC Fashion Week?!" Do I really have to celebrate?

Girl, when was the last time you watched the NBA?! Fashion Week?! The hottest messes in synagogue will already wear anything you might see on the runways. Though, it is easier to get tickets to fashion week than it is to synagogue. Hmmm.

"Will Miley Cyrus repent for the performance she had at the VMAs?"

Thankfully/sadly, Miley isn't Jewish. But I'll be repenting for watching it.