Every month I think I'm pregnant.
There's no rational reason. The chances are pretty slim. At times it would practically be an immaculate conception if it did happen. It's really quite ridiculous to even consider it.
But every month, it happens.
Even if I'm not 100 percent convinced I'm pregnant, I'm still thinking that maybe, I could be.
And it rattles me to my core.
Why am I so afraid of having another kid? Why do I so deeply fear something that so many people long for?
Partly because my girls are not easy and Hubs and I have our hands full as it is.
Partly because Hubs and I are looking forward to the end of the sleepless nights and tantrum-filled days that dominate us right now.
Partly because I really like working, and if we had a third kid I'd have to give up my job.
But mostly? Mostly for a very real, very tough reason.
Mostly because I suffered from postpartum depression after my second daughter, Grace. And three years later, I really haven't quite bounced back.
And I worry if I had another kid, I wouldn't ever bounce back.
Depression isn't new to me. I had my first bout of it when I was a sophomore in college. Then another short bout when I got laid off for the fourth time in four years a while back.
So the postpartum depression with Grace wasn't a total shocker, though it did seem a bit odd I didn't have it the first time around with Anne.
But this time, what's so perplexing to me is this current depression just never seems to go away. It keeps ebbing and flowing into something else.
First the PPD, which seemed to get better after meds and therapy.
Then my dad died suddenly and it turned into grief-based depression.
Now I have what my therapist calls "situational depression." And you know what my "situation" is, what triggers my anxiety and anger and impatience and sadness?
My own kids! That's not exactly a "trigger" I can change.
So I am trying many different things to improve the situation. I don't want to be an irritable, impatient, anxiety-ridden mom, feeling under siege by a barrage of unwanted emotions anytime her kids are remotely difficult. (Which, as those of us with small children know, is basically an hourly occurrence.)
So, I am working less. Exercising more. Getting more me-time. Trying a new antidepressant. Going to therapy. Walking away when a situation with the kids gets to be too much. Taking deep breaths and trying to fight off the urge to scream at the little people in my house who are constantly talking at me, pulling at me, complaining at me. Reminding myself of all the lovely qualities that my kids have and trying to focus on those, instead of the downright annoying ones that will eventually fade away with age.
Fighting. Battling. Persisting. Resisting... against myself.
There are many days when I am drained by 4:00 p.m. from fighting off negative, unwanted emotions. It's truly exhausting in a way I can't completely describe.
Sometimes -- no, often -- I wonder: Is this it? Will it always be this hard? Will there ever be a day that I don't have to fight against myself? Will I ever just be... truly... happy?
I have faith that I will. It has been a hard three years and I do lose that faith at times. I can see why the phrase is "battling" depression. But I'll keep battling to get happy, regular me back. It's a fight I just have to believe I'll win.
And in the meantime? I guess I'll start buying stock in EPT pregnancy tests.
March 2013 note to new readers: This post was written one year ago. I am happy to report that I am doing much better today and I am feeling great. I still deal with depression and manage it in the ways I described above. I certainly have my ups and downs, and I never know when I'll dip back down. But right now? Things are great.
So take heart, fellow depression warriors. With the right treatment, it can get better. Don't give up.
This post originally appeared on Honest Mom.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.