Little Isabella doesn't want to leave the park. Best I can tell, her Mom has reached the fourth two-minute warning for departure and every time The Little Princess hears the phrase "Come on honey, time to put on your shoes." she goes apoplectic and runs the other direction. Mom has yet to get off the park bench; I guess she's counting on parental telepathy at this point. After a brief interval, she tries a half-hearted "Honey..." from a safe distance, only to be met with more howls of protest. As if to explain the unfolding spectacle, the Mom looks at me and says, "She just loves the park."
But maybe I'm getting ahead of myself here... let's go back to where it all begins.
No parent likes to hear their child cry. It's far more than annoying, it's emotionally unsettling. Child Development studies have shown that parents have an involuntary physiological response to the sound of a crying child. Agitation, increased heart rate -- hearing a little one cry elicits a physical and emotional reaction not entirely unlike a panic attack. And, not surprisingly, when a parent hears one of their kids crying, their first instinct is to figure out the quickest way to make it stop. On more than one occasion, I've stumbled half-asleep into Pebble's room and scooped her out of her crib with a whispered "Daddy's here, you're okay." without ever knowing why she was crying in the first place. Sometimes she's had a bad dream and sometimes she's just bored and wants company.
Of course, very young children, who have not yet learned anything that resembles emotional nuance, have pretty much only one level of discontent, utter and complete anguish. At a certain age, there's no distinction between the agony of falling and cutting open your head and the agony of discovering that an episode of "Yo Gabba Gabaa" is over. And because the volume and passion of the protests that accompany each of these crises is equal, it's not uncommon to see parents swoop in with equal concern and try to fix the situation with soothing, kind words and the inevitable bribes and negotiations that follow.
This is how we get trained, from the time our kids are born, to do whatever it takes to keep them happy. What begins as an instinctual urge to meet the needs of an infant slowly morphs into an exhausted capitulation to the demands of a toddler. We get tired of fighting, tired of the theatrics, tired of hearing the word "No" come out of our mouths. Add to this fatigue the shame that comes with hauling a screaming four-year-old off the swing-set in front of the entire world and keeping oneself planted firmly on that bench seems like a valid, even sensible, option.
While this might be the perfect way to stop the waterworks or avoid a confrontation, it's also the perfect way to raise an entitled toddler who believes that all things are possible through tears. Our desire to avoid confrontation and make everything okay is, in fact, making our kids into tantrum terrorists, ready to hold the peace and quiet of our lives hostage to their every whim.
Sure, there are times when comfort and accommodation from Mommy or Daddy is the perfect remedy: a skinned knee, a bad dream, the death of Marley. Your child's fit about not wanting to eat her broccoli, however, is not one of those times. It's in precisely these moments that a parent has the opportunity to draw a clear and important line between what is and is not an appropriate reaction to life's little disappointments. It's also the perfect moment to show a child that there's a difference between genuine distress -- which will always be met with love and care -- and unnecessary drama.
All of this gets back to an important rule about being a parent in the first place. After the basics of feeding, clothing and protecting your child from peril, your primary role is not Comforter-In-Chief, it's teacher. Everything we do (and fail to do) is a lesson to our kids about how the world works and what is expected of them in that world. To be sure, there are times when the appropriate lesson is "Don't worry, I'm here for you, everything is going to be okay." but somewhat more often the lesson needs to be "Hysteria is not an acceptable method of expressing your desires and will never get you what you want."
In our hearts, we already know that these lessons are not interchangeable. Think about how horrified any of us would be to hear a parent tell a bleeding three-year-old to "suck it up and walk it off." We should be equally horrified when a meltdown over nap-time or the equal distribution of popcorn is met with cooing whispers along the lines of "Mommy loves you, if you stop crying we'll make cookies after your nap!" The only possible lesson a child can learn from such an encounter is that a tantrum is, indeed, an appropriate reaction to napping, eating veggies, sharing toys and anything else he's not thrilled about doing. Even better (from the kid's perspective), they've learned that if they bring enough fit and fury to bear on such outrages, their efforts will be rewarded with an afternoon of homemade baked goods.
I recognize that, sometimes, a worn out parent simply wants to bargain their way to a little serenity. As strongly as I feel about this subject, I sometimes find myself backtracking on hard and fast rules, in an effort to buy ten minutes of quiet to send an email or return a phone call. At the end of a long day, with dishes in the sink and laundry to fold, the path of least resistance can be very attractive. But in my heart I know that every time I bend the rules for a moments peace, I am actually undermining my ability to enforce the rules in the future. Every time we catch ourselves thinking "I just don't want to fight about everything." we're guaranteeing that there will, in fact, be another fight.
Rather than trying to avoid every meltdown, we can end this behavior all together by teaching our kids that wild outrage is not an equally appropriate response to physical injury and a lack of lemonade juice boxes. Doing so requires that we get past our desire to fix everything and, more importantly, summon the energy and resolve to let our kids be miserable when they so choose. A child left alone to perform her displeasure in an empty living room or whose theatrics are, invariably, a one way ticket to time-out, will learn soon enough that such behavior is ineffective and unacceptable.
Kids can be relentless; I am raising a five year old with unparalleled skill as a negotiator. But each time I buy his compliance rather than demand it, I am trading a split second of "easy" for a lifetime of defiance and debates. When quiet reason fails, it's time get our collective butts off the park bench and drag little Isabella kicking and screaming to the car. Yes, we'll wilt a little under the disapproving stares of the parents around us. Yes, we'll have to deal with a raving lunatic of a toddler who is trying to convince everyone in ear shot that she is being water-boarded. No, these things are not fun. This is the hard work of being a good parent and, like most hard work, it simply must get done.
Follow JD Roberto on Twitter: www.twitter.com/jdroberto
Its about parenting from a long term perspective. What skills and characteristics do you want your child to have as an adult? This is how we discipline, in a way that models and teaches those life skills. Want your child to respond to changes with flexibility? How about a little patience from parents in how we deal with daily life stress. Want kids to be respectful? We have to be respectful in how we discipline.
Positive Discipline (www.positivediscipline.com) teaches parents to discipline with kindness and firmness at the same time. Often we are kind to the point of feeling walked all over and then hit our wall. At that point we switch to yelling, shaming, and generally losing our cool. Kind (respectful to our kids), and firm (respectful to ourselves), teaches kids those life skills we want them to have.
Rescuing our kids from meltdowns often leads to parents feeling manipulated and angry and robs kids of a chance to grow and develop those skills we want them to have. We don't have to make them happy, we just have to model and teach them how to deal with their feelings. That's what builds resilience!
Standing in corner is for when two play partners are acting up,,,not when a child is doing wrong alone.
Also apologies hurt the one having to give it because ITS EMBARRASSING. But a builder of morals.
I have had my butt whipped and my "jaws boxed" by more than one person and that includes friends parents as well as my own,,BECAUSE my mom told them she would back them up.
I KNEW that if I got in trouble at school or friends home I WAS getting in trouble from mom or dad or aunts or uncles or grandparents.
I knew respect LONG before I ever figured out how to lie about things to stay out of trouble.
Temper tantrum NEVER went well in store as my mom WOULD dust my bottom if I got out of line.
Its called teaching respect.
Discipline does not mean physical abuse. We always got compliments on our children's behavior at school and in public without ever once hitting them. We did have the advantage of our parents never having hit us. And I know my Dad's parents never hit him. Our daughter continues the tradition of not hitting her kids.
We visited an assisted living facility today--we were there for nearly three hours in an overheated, tiny apartment with two 90-something ladies. My not-quite-three year old granddaughter was polite to the ladies, shared her toys with them, hopped up and opened the door for them, and otherwise sat quietly and played while the adults chatted. And she has never once been spanked. Imagine that.
YOU are so out of touch, I had great relationship with my family, my mom and step mom are both still here but I respect both more than you know.
You see that IS the difference between abuse and parental control of a child, IF the child fears you you have abused them, if they KNOW you love them, care for them and are teaching them right from wrong,,,they will respect you.
So lets see, I guess we need to tell God to take all pain away if we get cut or poked or burnt. Its a normal human response built into us as God children, hence the spare the rod and spoil the child, yet you should never hit in anger, spank for no good reason or without thinking it through for at least 5 seconds.
See parenting takes some time, and sometimes tough choices. AND I see so many of the kids today getting away with lots of stuff, told its ok its normal, take a time out,,,,too bad some of the kids out of control never KNEW control. I did and now Iam a criminal record free person.
I got very few swats from my 5'0 #90 mother (who I was NOT afraid of) but I knew if I really screwed up there was that potential. Somewhere in the last 30 years the inmates have taken over the asylum. Children are taught that their opinion is the only one that counts, teachers cannot discipline because the parent's won't let anyone take away their prince/princess "rights", parent's who do want to take back control of their house can look foreward to a visit from the police after princess calls them.
Look at the commercials today: brat standing in front of dad yealling because he ate the last of the jello? Really? While dad stammers and lies about it.
I never in my life even spanked my childrens diapered butt but now that they are in their 20s I really wish I had. Maybe at some point my children would have realized that there are worse things than "time out" and would have realized that it is supposed to be the parents in charge.
To everyone who says how wonderfully well-mannered their 3 year old is.....call me when they're 13.
When my son (I was a single father) threw his first tantrum @ 18 months of age, I laid down beside him on the floor and mimicked his behavior. He looked over at me, burst out laughing and that was the last tantrum ever. For years later whenever I suggested we do something his answer was always; oh, sure dad, said with a smile in his voice.
What, exactly are your qualification to be a parenting adviser? Because you have a child? Because you host a TV show? I don't think so.
For example, you say: A child left alone to perform her displeasure in an empty living room or whose theatrics are, invariably, a one way ticket to time-out, will learn soon enough that such behavior is ineffective and unacceptable.
No, a child left alone when anguished, will learn that her main caretaker, the person on whom she depends for nurturing and nourishment, doesn't care about her in her perceived moment of crisis and need. You're teaching her that her feelings don't matter to you and she is alone in the world. Can you even imagine how devastating that can be to a child who's very life is dependent on a compassionate caregiver?
If you were a physician, at least you'd know about hypoglycemia, low blood sugar. You know those meltdowns that always seem to occur about 5pm, just before supper? That's because the child's blood sugar is low, and part of that syndrome is a very depressed outlook. Try a little glass of apple juice or other natural sugar drink or some fruit to bring up her blood sugar, NOT a soda with 8 tsps of refined sugar in it. The "tantrum" will abate in minutes. Really. Try it!
And in the future? Keep your child-rearing methods to yourself.