I got a lot of parenting advice before my first child came into the world. I think people feel obligated to bestow their wisdom on expecting parents and, overall, I guess that's a good thing. Still, the advice I got - though well meaning and thoughtful - was almost entirely useless once the actual odyssey of being a dad began. Phrases like "life changing" and "wonderful adventure" came up repeatedly, but no one bothered to tell me I should go see a movie. These days, going to a movie involves two weeks of planning and forty bucks worth of babysitter -- and that's before you pay fourteen bucks for a ticket and six bucks for some Twizzlers.
Sleep was high on the recommendation list. "Get as much sleep as you can!" is what they tell you, but that particular pearl of wisdom seems entirely backward to me. What you should really be doing is training yourself to function on less sleep or sleep that is frequently interrupted. I guess you could try to stockpile sleep but, trust me, when you're up all night with a sick four month old, knowing you got a solid nine hours back in June doesn't help.
A few times, kindly grandparents summed up their parenting philosophy with something along the lines of, "Just shower 'em with love!" It's a heartwarming sentiment but I have yet to figure out how an exhausted parent is supposed to apply such sage counsel when his two-year-old is howling, spread eagle in the grocery store because he won't buy a pair of Elmo shaped oven mitts.
The most common phrase I heard in the run up to parenthood was the seemingly benign, "It's a tough job but it's all worth it." This is both true and diabolically misleading at the same time. Something about "it's all worth it" suggests a proposition where some small majority of the time things will be blissful. "Yes," you're led to believe, "it's going to be tough forty-nine percent of the time, but don't worry because the other fifty-one percent it is great." Guess what, it's not. The ratio is frequently twenty percent enjoyable to eighty percent aggravating. Some days clock in at fifty-four percent bearable with thirty-five percent maddening rounded out by a dash of bewildering. I've been through entire weeks of eighty-seven percent exasperating, and experienced good-night cuddles that are one hundred percent ecstasy. It's not balanced, it's bipolar. It's worth it not because it's easy as often as it's difficult, but because the perfect moments are so overwhelmingly sublime, you somehow forget the maniacal pajama tantrum you endured the night before.
If I could go back and give myself some more practical advice it would look something like this:
1. When they nap, you nap. Don't send emails, don't catch up on work. Nap.
2. Travel with your children when they are very young. At six months old it's just as easy to keep them entertained in Cozumel as it is in Cleveland. You might as well get a tan out of the deal.
3. Buy a rechargeable, cordless hand vacuum. Your floors and cars will thank you.
4. It's perfectly acceptable to make an entire dinner in the microwave.
5. In every parent-child relationship someone has to be the grown up. Try to make sure that someone is you. A two-year-old has the right to act like a child, you do not.
6. Take everyone who volunteers to babysit up on the offer. Repeatedly.
7. Buy everything you can second-hand.
8. Make time for the other relationships in your life -- seeing you in the role of good friend or devoted spouse teaches your kids way more than a Baby Einstein marathon.
9. There's no such thing as using too many wipes.
10. There will be times when you're sure you are a terrible parent and, secretly, wonder why you ever had kids in the first place. This is normal. Forgive yourself these occasional moments of self-doubt and, from time to time, let yourself mourn your life pre-parenthood. Then have a healthy glass of wine, get some sleep and get back to work. After all, as you've no doubt heard, it's a tough job, but it's all worth it.
Oh, and go see a movie while you still can.
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12. Start EXPLAINING what you are doing as soon as possible. Explain your thinking, explain where you're going and what you're doing next or the rest of the day. Children do better when they know what to expect and they understand your words much sooner than you realize. They learn from your modeling, planning and conversation.
My son's favorite rainy afternoon indoor game was flipping plastic lids into big pots in the family room. Put on some John Philip Souza marching music and march around the house. And if you sit down to draw pictures with your kids, they will draw for hours, getting a kick out of your version of a horse. (Our $100 robot is currently in my closet, awaiting the day when my youngest is ready to inherit it.)
And the explaining thing is so true, and it speaks to good behavior, too. If kids know how you want them to act in the store or at someone's house (and if there's a sweet prize at the end of it), they're much more likely to behave. Kids like to know what's going to happen in a movie, on a trip, at school, wherever. Explain, explain, explain.
Nicely put.
I'm so sick and tired of little brats
I remember holding my oldest son in the middle of the night when he was just whiny and unhappy and fussy and wondering how we could go on night after night of this.
He's now 17 and applying to Ivy League colleges. He's brilliant, funny, thoughtful and he only whines a little -- usually when we remind him about homework and curfews. Those sleepless nights seem like last week.
Soak it all in as much as possible, but remember every fussy or difficult stage is fleeting.
My experience after 18 -years is parenting is 20% relaxing to 80% work, but that doesn't mean the 80% is not enjoyable.
It's a roller coaster ride. Some days are better than others. Some days inspire the idea that you may be raising Jack the Ripper or Jane. And still others, inspire the idea that your child is the one and only most beautiful, amazing, perfect baby in the world.
As they get older, it gets better and you have the incredible benefit of seeing the world through their unjaded eyes. Best of luck!
11. being natural is not only good for baby and you and the environment, its also quite easy. baby can eat what yiu eat, just mashed a bit. Cloth diapering and breastfeeding save money and are better for baby- but are also easy, you just have to buy the right tools and fit it in your schedule.
12. vacationing with your baby allows you to get to know and love who they are, as little people with their own personalities. I feel really bad for parents who cannot or do not vacation with their toddler then wonder why they have little connection with them.
13. wish someone had told me that baby wearing will save my sanity with a gassy, milk protein intolerant insomniac baby. Best thing I ever did for baby and myself, and I do not mean a bjorn. Tons of comfortable, supportive, fashionable easy to wear carriers out there that are very versatile.
Why most relationships fall apart after couples have children.
All other ones... easy to do.
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That said no child is perfect so dont have unreasonable expectations, a one year old will have temper tantrums no matter how well behavied they are most of the time.
Also there is a big diffrence between spanking or a tap on the hand and child abuse. Every child should have a healthy fear of there parents end of story.
Never hit a child - in any way, shape or form. Calling it spanking or disciplining doesn't change things.
Read things to them that you enjoy too - poetry, sonnets, psalms - from baby age on.
Tell them positive things they have done but do not praise them for obvious things - they can become praise-junkies and not feel good in school unless teachers praise their every letter - which won't happen.
Sing and dance with them - learn from their free body movements and reawaken your dormant "inner-child".
Have fun and remember that is an honor to be a parent.
Feed them healthy foods (I have never owned a microwave and do not get that comment since it takes 4 mins to warm up food on the stove, but to each his-her own.) and respect for their body.
Teach them to love themselves and others by speaking to them with respect and teaching them to speak to you with respect. Their teachers and spouses will thank you eternally.
Enjoy them!