As the end of August approaches and another fun, sun-filled summer comes to a close, "back to school" has a brand new meaning for me. My son is starting kindergarten. He went from a baby to a boy in what seems like the blink of an eye and as the start date approaches, I'm not sure who needs more preparation, me or him. When you become a parent, the one thing you hear over and over again from fellow moms and dads is that kids grow up so fast. Yes, yes, you nod and agree with heartily, but never does the expression become truer than when you experience a major milestone like this.
How did a curious little toddler with big blue eyes, chubby cheeks and a drunken sailor amble become a boy who is going to ride the bus by himself? He is leaving the daycare bubble he has known for the past five years and is entering the public school system, officially starting an educational career that he will hopefully embrace for the next 16 years, or more. He is heading into kindergarten with eager anticipation and is ready for the change, but the question is, am I?
Maybe I'm just harboring unfounded concerns about things you hear parents of older children complain about like logistics around managing a working schedule with a school calendar, becoming a constant chauffeur and the homework, my god, the homework! Or maybe it's the more emotional realization that there will come a moment when he finds out that Santa Claus isn't real, and I won't be there to reassure him, or he is bullied on the playground, and I won't be there to protect him.
Kindergarten represents a big developmental step for gaining independence, spreading his little wings and venturing from the nest. My son is the first-born so all of my parenting firsts were with him -- the marathon nursing sessions, the countless sleepless nights, the first giggle, the first words, the first steps. Embarking on this new journey together means letting go of his babyhood, as hard as that may be. It means accepting that his 60-pound body is now too big to rock to sleep and that I can only get away with calling him my baby boy in the confines of my own home even though I'll always view him in that way.
The passage of time with children is a paradoxical thing. You have those moments, when your patience is pushed farther than you ever thought possible and when the umpteenth tantrum has you wishing for a fast forward button to when reasoning actually works and the kids are old enough to understand that no really does means no. But then, show any parent photographs of their baby's first years and they will elicit wistful sentimentality and possibly even a longing, however fleeting, to return to diapers and lullabies.
Despite a reluctance to let go of the past and the resistance against time moving too quickly, I also know there's an exciting future of new memories ahead and an abundance of more parenting firsts in store. I'm so excited for him to experience new things and learn the ways of the world, to further cultivate the amazing personality he already possesses and to continue growing into his own as a boy.
Lately, I've been thinking of the story my mom has told me many times about my own first day of kindergarten. After receiving my mom's words of advice during our walk towards the school, I (sensing her nervousness) turned to her and said, "Don't worry, Mommy, I can take care of myself." To this day, she still recalls with clarity the bewilderment and awe she felt in that moment.
Parenting is full of surprises and little moments like those. I have no idea what's in store for the first day, first week or even first month of this kindergarten experience. I do know that preparing for the process has given me a greater respect for time and a realization that sometimes the bigger picture means focusing on the little things. If these are some of the lessons this transition to kindergarten has taught me so far, then I think I'm finally ready.