THE BLOG

Fanfare for the Common Man

12/11/2010 11:25 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

I am never the first to admit when I am wrong, but nor are Bill Clinton, Roger Clemens, or the Pope. I am, however, the first to admit when I have become too smug. You see, in traveling the path of intellectualism that runs parallel to the pursuit of professional writing, sometimes I forget my true nature. This column is my reaffirmed commitment to being a dumbass.

A good man, Danny Chapman, who reads all my columns, pointed out that lately I have been writing for the sake of sounding intelligent rather than actually writing to inform and educate other dumbasses, which was why I got in to writing in the first place. He, of course, is correct. But I was too busy not being a dumbass to realize that, and so, to him, and to you, other reader (there can't be more than two of you), I apologize.

Since I am posting this in a forum of higher thinking, it might come across as a smarmy, and therefore, winking think piece at Mr. Chapman's expense. Quite the contrary, it also links to Facebook (sorry, that was me being smug again).

What I am trying to say, is that the established aim of my life has always been to gorge on the words of intellectuals and disseminate the information to the masses... this doesn't make me any sort of divine conduit, mind you, because more often than not, my analysis are completely fucking wrong. As I remind you, I am a dumbass. But despite my shortcomings in comprehensive learning, it does not detract from my overall goal: educating other dumbasses with what I think is education. And what could be a better forum for spreading "false" education than literature? Hitler had Mein Kampf, I have mein column.

The sweetness of my position comes not only from my ability to kick the living shit out of most eggheads who point out that the meanings of my words are incorrect, but from the knowledge that "incorrect" has no place in literature. Math and science can deal in absolutes; we writers can only pontificate in theories. For those of you eggheads that point out that this column flies wildly in the face of my previous one (and that that one flies wildly in the face of the one before that), please defer back to that earlier mention about my kicking abilities.

Now when someone points out that my definition of a word is incorrect, I can say, "Who says that Merriam Webster is correct?" And the eggheads will say, "John Locke's treatise on social contracts theorizes that we have to have certain agreements in place to maintain a societal collective..." to which I can respond: "There's that 'theory' word again."

You see, fellow dumbasses? What I have gleaned from my time in the so-called "land of milk and honey," is that you never have to be wrong as long as you stay away from math and science. And us dumbasses do that very well! What I am trying to teach you through my column is that we can ALL be intellectuals. Organized religion has been doing this for years... even Jenny McCarthy seems to have figured this out, though she foolishly attacks science. From here to forth, there shall be no limitation on what we can claim is right and what we can print as truth. That is the secret that those fat cats in Washington don't want us to know! With this information, wee can all be the rich kings of the Earth, with me, naturally, being the richest and the kingliest.

Of course the sad reality of it all is that none of us will do anything with this information because we're dumbasses. Not that it really matters anyway, because like I said earlier, I'm probably wrong. But you have to admit: I'm much better at being wrong than you are.