06/01/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

This Week in Cheating

Jeff Kreisler's first book, "Get Rich Cheating," is available for pre-order from Harper Collins.

MONDAY: The House that Cheat Built. Do you like baseball?

The Cheater Says: Build a $1.5-ish billion taxpayer-funded stadium, charge those same taxpayers $2600 to see a game (plu$ "food"), don't create the promised park for local kids (because they're poor), give your cheaters, (er, "players") hundreds of millions, and then, just to rub it in, continue to suck. Now look around. Guess what? You're rich!

The Cheater Says: Nice! Join an already winning team that's raking in the dough. Cha-ching! Do so at a time and in a fashion that will make them forever in your debt. Cha-cha-ching! Establish yourself as the sole powerful middle-of-the-road guy who can be $wayed by each and every lobbying firm in the nation Cha-ching cha-ching cha-ching-a-ling-a-ding! Welcome to $pectertown, DC. Population: You

The Cheater Says: Well, duh. He's got the power of the purse, and Great Cheaters embrace people in power, marry people in power, or become people in power.

They say "'Time' is money," but really, "'Power' is money." Just remove the "powr" (pronounced "poor") and add "Tim."

THURSDAY: A Cheat by any other name, would still smell as AIG A big unit of AIG is changing it's name to avoid being tainted.

The Cheater Says: Of course! Classic sleight of hand. What's good for the Arthur Andersen (er, Accenture), Philip Morris (uh, Altria), and Diebold (nee, Premier Election Solutions) is good for the gander (AICheat).

The Cheater Says: First of all, a book? You're gonna believe a book? Books are written by losers. Second, good, A-Rod should have been doing 'roids from puberty to Yankee glory. It's called "commitment," people!
Third, he allegedly sold out teammates to improve his own performance. Brilliant! Remember, aspiring cheaters: We're not here to make friends, we're here to make money.

A-Rod's only mistake in this whole thing was admitting he took 'roids in the first place. Remember that?
"Just by reading this book you'll earn an asterisk next to your name. You'll be laughing all the way to the bank, assuming other cheaters haven't forced it into bankruptcy yet." - Rachel Maddow
"A very funny book with a very timely message" - Terry Jones (Monty Python)