THE BLOG
01/18/2013 06:59 pm ET Updated Mar 20, 2013

A Review of the Academy Awards Best Picture Films

A few days ago, the Academy Award nominations were released, and if you lean your ear into the air and listen closely, you could hear the sounds of dismissive wanking on the wind. I could write numerous articles on how Tarantino and DiCaprio got the shaft, how Christopher Nolan got cheated, and how Looper didn't even get a best original screenplay nomination, but I'll stick to just the Best Picture category to tear apart.

Beasts of the Southern Wild

I haven't seen it, I haven't heard of it, so I really can't even comment on it. I'm going to guess this movie is about women that ride the stationary bikes at the gym while playing on their iPhones. Those are the real Beasts of the Southern Wild.

Silver Linings Playbook

This is a movie about what it would look like for crazy people to also date crazy people. I have dated crazy people and this movie just made me have flashbacks of how awful that experience really was. Have you ever wanted to roll over and for the first time tell the girl next to you that you love her? But then she interrupts you by telling you she tried to blow up her school with a pipe bomb? How do you respond to something like that? That's basically what this movie is for 2 hours.

Zero Dark Thirty

Going into this I was really excited. I was really excited to see the end scene (which was outstanding), but everything else was just merely alright. The main character, played by Jessica Chastain, has no personality. She yells and does her job, but you know nothing about her at all. The torture controversy is all crap, too. I've seen worse on the television show 24, and that show became torture near the end of its run. This merely a good action movie, but because it's about bin Laden, it's getting all this praise.

Lincoln

Boring. Daniel-Day Lewis kills it in his role again, but that's because he's out of his mind insane when he takes on a role for a movie. Sally Field chewed every screen. She's a good actress, but she is horrible in this. I'd rather have Gary Busey in drag yelling than watch Sally Field act in this movie again. She is nominated for an Oscar for this movie? Baffling.

Also, classic Spielberg is all over this. What does that mean? The relationship with Lincoln's son is explored like in all of his movies. That was the most pointless plotline in the entire movie. The war is almost over and his kid wants to go to war? That's like showing up to an orgy and everyone's getting dressed to go to Applebee's for the after party.

Les Miserables

This movie should just be called, "My Girlfriend dragged me to this." There's no other reason to see it other than someone's girlfriend wanting to watch poor French people sing about stolen bread. Oh, did I mention singing? They sing the entire movie. No stoppage for dialogue, but all singing for 157 minutes. This movie was made in the '90s with Liam Neeson. LIAM NEESON. There's no singing in that movie, and it's good.

Life of Pi

I'll see this eventually, but I'm in no rush. All I can tell is it's about some kid on a boat with a tiger. Is it a short film? Opening scene the kid just gets ripped apart and then it's over? If that is what happens, then that is a brave film and deserves to be nominated.

Amour

I could barely get through reading the synopsis of this movie. It's about elderly retired music teachers. Put me down for no tickets.

Django Unchained

One of the best movies of the year! It's rare when I'm pumped after a movie, but I was high fiving people and laughing about how happy I was after this movie. It has so much put into it that I was thrilled throughout the movie. It had the music, the absurd amount of blood, the acting, the story, and most of all it had white slave owners getting completely destroyed. I have no idea why Tarantino didn't get nominated for best director because there were scenes in there that were beautiful pieces of film-making.

Argo

Like Zero Dark Thirty, it's a good film but doesn't deserve awards. The last 15 minutes were cheesy and probably didn't happen like that at all. Also, why did Ben Affleck look like that coked up guy from Die Hard? Every time his character was on screen I just started laughing.

So, as I close down this savage beating of most of these films, what do you think should have been nominated? I personally would have nominated the home movie of me doing sick karate moves. My Grandma called it, "Did you finish college yet? You're just like your Uncle. Where am I?" I'll take that as a compliment.

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