Divorce is painful -- anyone who has been through the process will attest to that. But, sometimes, divorce is less painful than staying in a relationship that has become abusive.
The problem, of course, is that it's exponentially more difficult for women in abusive relationships to break free from their controlling husbands. Typically, these women know very little about their family finances because their husbands are extremely secretive about financial matters. Plus, many women are simply frozen with fear. Women in abusive marriages live under the very real threat of physical violence if their husbands get angry and/or suspicious.
If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek help. There are community-based organizations, private counselors and therapists and other professionals who can offer the immediate assistance you need. In addition, please start taking steps to secure your financial well-being.
Here are a few basic guidelines to follow, provided you can do so safely:
1. Establish ways to communicate privately. Secure a post office box for correspondence with financial institutions and divorce professionals, and make sure you --and perhaps a trusted friend or relative --are the only ones with a key. You'll also need to establish a private email account and then send and receive emails only from a secure location, such as a public library or internet café. A pay as you go cell phone is a wise investment, as well. Remember, an abusive spouse can easily install spy ware in computers and smart phones.
2. Open a bank account in your name. Squirrel away any money you can --and if at all possible, deposit your paycheck and transfer any assets available into that account.
3. Keep copies of all your important paperwork. Be sure to include bank statements, social security numbers, birth and marriage certificates and documentation of jointly held assets. Keep these important documents in a safe place out of your house that only you and one other trusted person can access.
4. Obtain a credit card (or preferably several). Contact credit card companies and explain your situation. Send them copies of any court orders, since such extenuating circumstances may help you qualify for credit.
5. Remove your name from all joint debt accounts, if possible. This will insure you are not responsible for any debt incurred after you leave.
6. Change all your PIN codes. Choose number and letter combinations that are not easily identifiable.
7. Acquire a one-time-use prepaid debit card. You can buy a prepaid card at a many local retailers, and for a small fee, you can load it up with as much money as you want.
Abuse is about power and control. But, if you start taking the right steps, you can regain control of your life and finances. I've seen women succeed at this again and again. Over the years, I've been retained by quite a few women who, at the time, were in physically and/or mentally abusive relationships. Their journeys weren't necessarily easy, but each accomplished her goal and began a new life free from an abusive husband.
The most important piece of advice I can share with women who are victims of physical/mental/ financial abuse is this: Find professional help as soon as possible. Get the help you need to stop the cycle and create a plan that will keep you and your children safe. Then, start taking steps toward a financially secure future.
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Jeffrey A. Landers, CDFA™ is a Divorce Financial Strategist™ and the founder of Bedrock Divorce Advisors, LLC, a divorce financial strategy firm that exclusively works with women, who are going through, or might be going through, a financially complicated divorce. He also advises women business owners on what steps they can take now to "divorce-proof" their business in the event of a future divorce. He can be reached at Landers@BedrockDivorce.com.
All articles/blog posts are for informational purposes only, and do not constitute legal advice. If you require legal advice, retain a lawyer licensed in your jurisdiction. The opinions expressed are solely those of the author, who is not an attorney.
Follow Jeffrey A. Landers on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Bedrock_Divorce
In a way you are, Spartan. I say that men are making themselves more a victim of domestic abuse when women are. The numbers obviously are wide because women don't report anything. I'm not making all men look bad. Just the abusers and I call out against those who make excuses for them.
This under reported story of known abusers being award custody of children by the Courts is going be available to the general public very soon because Domestic Violence Victims seeking protection in the Family Law Courts who are failed every day by the same Courts, insist on it.
Then why the hell do mothers wind up with custody 72.8 percent of the time after divorce? Why are fathers only seen as a paycheck to divorced moms, and welfare checks to single moms? Why are dads kept away from their children?
Perhaps it is time we realize that father’s protect children more than moms. It is a fact. The statistic prove this.
But apparently the agenda of feminists who created the draconian laws that kill and maim children are only interested in one thing: the maternal legalization of child abuse.
Tory Sandoval 2 murdered Apr-11 LA County
Amy Lake 38 murdered Jun-11 Dexter, Maine
Monica Lake 12 murdered Jun-11 Dexter, Maine
Cote Lake 13 murdered Jun-11 Dexter, Maine
Steven Lake 37 suicide Jun-11 Dexter, Maine
Alfredo Pimienta 44 suicide May-11 San Diego
Priscilla 17 murdered May-11 San Diego
Emily 9 murdered May-11 San Diego
Georgina 38 murdered May-11 San Diego
Because this article purporting to give advice for those women in an "abusive marriage" looks to me like divorce industry bottom feeding at its best (or is it worst?).
There is no suggestion in this article that is different from what should be done in any divorce.
Why do you keep posting this lie?
http://www.mincava.umn.edu/documents/factoid/factoid.html
"This factoid cites research by Murray Straus, Suzanne Steinmetz, and Richard Gelles, as well as a host of other self-report surveys. Those using this factoid tend to conveniently leave out the fact that Straus and his colleague's surveys as well as data collected from the National Crime Victimization Survey (Bureau of Justice Statistics) consistently find that no matter what the rate of violence or who initiates the violence, women are 7 to 10 times more likely to be injured in acts of intimate violence than are men."
Your poor spelling and grammar make it clear that you aren't familiar with any studies, but are just cut and posting from MRA propaganda. This is a very cowardly lie to keep repeating.
"Approximately 1.3 million women and 835,000 men are physically assaulted by an intimate partner annually in the United States." That's less than 2:1.
http://www.nij.gov/nij/topics/crime/intimate-partner-violence/extent.htm
From the federal Centers for Disease Control. " Each year, women experience about 4.8 million intimate partner related physical assaults and rapes. Men are the victims of about 2.9 million intimate partner related physical assault." Again less than 2:1.
http://www.cdc.gov/ViolencePrevention/pdf/IPV_factsheet-a.pdf
One may conclude that claims of " women are 7 to 10 times more likely to be injured in acts of intimate violence than are men", are unsupported by federal agencies.
the DEAD
Wyatt Garcia 9 months murdered Jan-10 San Bernardino Lemkau
Stephen Garcia 20's suicide Jan-10 San Bernardino Lemkau
Franki Jacobson 53 murdered Jan-10 Palm Beach, FL (guest book
Eric Jacobson 7 murdered Jan-10 Palm Beach, FL on Facebook)
Joshua Jacobson 7 murdered Jan-10 Palm Beach, FL
Isaac Gallegos 2 murdered Aug-10 San Bernardino Pacheco
Sandra Thomson Ramos murdered Sep-10 San Tan Valley, Arizona
Nicolas Ramos 10 murdered Sep-10 San Tan Valley, Arizona
Emma Ramos 8 murdered Sep-10 San Tan Valley, Arizona
Gilbert Ramos 45 suicide Sep-10 San Tan Valley, Arizona
Natasha Whyte-Dell 36 murdered Sep-10 Riviera Beach, FL
Bryan Barnett, 14 murdered Sep-10 Riviera Beach, FL
Daniel Barnett 10 murdered Sep-10 Riviera Beach, FL
Javon Nelson 11 murdered Sep-10 Riviera Beach, FL
Diane Barnett, 13 murdered Sep-10 Riviera Beach, FL
Ryan Barnett, 15 wounded crt. Sep-10 Riviera Beach, FL
Patrick Alexander Dell 41 suicide Sep-10 Riviera Beach, FL.
Divorce court is only a divorce court. Use divorce court to get a divorce.
Divorce court is no place for family social work or quasi-criminal proceedings.
Divorce court is a place where divorce lawyers separate fools a/k/a divorcing-spouse clients from their money a/k/a legal fees by the billable hour.
Divorce court should be nothing more than where you get a legal decree of dissolution of the marriage. Divorce should be about money only (because in most divorce cases that is what the divorce is about).
If you are the victim of a crime, use the criminal justice system -- the police, the prosecutor's office and the criminal court.
If the children are in danger, use child protective services.
Neither of those types of issues belongs in a divorce court.
Don't blame the divorce court for not being something that it isn't and never should be.
A divorcing spouse who is the victim of domestic violence/abuse will be able to obtain a criminal conviction in the criminal justice system.
A divorcing spouse who is making false accusations or questionable claims of domestic violence/abuse should not become a privileged litigant in divorce court -- nor should there be any incentive for a spouse to make engage in that harmful divorce behavior/strategy.
Divorce court is not a criminal court nor is it a place for family social work.
In addition, it is a fallacy to believe that police and prosecutors take domestic violence seriously. Just the other day Huff Po had an article on a city that is refusing to prosecute DV cases in order to save money. The ability to prosecute a DV case does not belong to the victim. It is a power granted to the state and if the prosecutor decides not to prosecute or to plea down to lessor charges then there is no recourse for the victim.
Domestic violence crimes are treated just like perjury crimes in divorce: the courts refuse to acknowledge or rectify the situation and no one gets prosecuted.
Whether we all like it or not, family court is where we as a nation have chosen to handle domestic violence. The result is a poor system that serves neither party well and children the worst
Those that live in the fairytale land of parental alienation syndrome keep trotting out that tired dog and pony show anytime woman try to regain control of their lives from abusive men. They are unable to see how or why children, who watch their mother constantly dragged back to court, emailed 5 times per day, or forced to attend important events with, eventually decide to terminate the relationship with their father. Abusive men seem to forget that there are pictures, medical reports, and eyewitness testimony from grandmas, uncles, and cousins who verify these instances of violence. Abusive men seem unable to comprehend that small children are capable of memory too.
Even if they paid no attention to the children during the marriage Abusers always go after custody because it’s their way to keep control and to continue Abusing you in the Courts. And, of course the Abuser knows that support is linked to custodial time.
If you enter the Court with evidence of DV to yourself or your children your Abuser will say you are lying to gain an upper hand in a high conflict divorce and that you alienate the children. Chances are, in spite of the hard evidence you present, the Court will look at you with suspicions of ulterior motive and side with your batterer as you plead for the Court’s protection. When the Judge is wrong in these cases, parents attempting to protect and their children die at an alarming rate at the hand of their abusers.
There is a movement evidenced below by their stats, and claims of parental alienation that come out of the woodwork whenever, DV and how to protect oneself against it, is discussed. It’s accusations of parental alienation and fake stats are driving these horrendous wrongly decided cases that result in the murders of children and their parents that beg the Family Law Courts for protection.
How about one more tip:
8. Get a job.
Get an education
You obviously have no clue about the dynamics in relationships involving intimate partner violence.
Divorce is a $28 billion industry.
Actual abuse takes place in less than 5 percent of divorce cases.
In over 95 percent of divorce cases there is no abuse -- and any accusation of "abuse" is false.
False accusations of abuse harm the children of the divorcing household and of course also the person falsely accused of divorce. (But in too-many cases the divorce initiator does not care about anyone other than herself.)
In what fraction of the 5 percent of divorce cases where there is actual abuse does the divorcing household have financial assets to pay for a "financial advisor"?
The article appears to be targeted at divorcing spouses who want to claim "abuse" (falsely) for personal financial gain.
Verbal disagreement or mutual argument is not "abuse". Not even in the nutty world of divorce. (You told me that I "have no clue" -- was that abusive?)
==> Actual domestic abuse/violence is a criminal matter.
In the cases where abuse actually happens, the abuser should be prosecuted and convicted.
If the abuser is the divorcing spouse, financial advice is a lesser worry of the victim. (After the abuser is convicted, assets (if any) will be available to the victim -- after legal fees are paid.)
No divorcing spouse should make and no one in the divorce industry should encourage that a false accusation of "abuse" -- for financial gain or any other reason.
This article is serious bottom-feeding.
I wanted it to sound stupid.