Please let me present to you the makings of a Champion, a master of his craft, a force to be reckoned with:
When you are done gawking over the literal beating I gave my opponent in the first week of Fantasy Football, it is important to know I came from humble beginnings.
I grew up in the pre-cable era. My house had one television and very limited channels.
My early memories of television involved watching I Love Lucy and Godzilla movies.
I have no recollection of sports ever being on the television. TV and movies would later teach me that a normal childhood involves your father ignoring you on Sundays while entrenched in watching football.
The sad truth is that I grew up in a non-sports home. Apparently we couldn't afford them like the other families in the neighborhood.
For my 7th birthday, my father bought me an over-sized plastic bat and ball. I would eventually become very proficient with it but it didn't prepare me for the true trials of gym class baseball and water fountain conversations about last night's game. The cool kids made fun of my inability to throw a spiral, or which was first base and what was second. And this was before any of us understood that as a sex metaphor. At this point in my life it was literally about baseball.
I'm sure my parents meant well. I'm sure they didn't realize the negative impact being sheltered from sports would have on my life.
As an adult, I recall meeting with the Miami Dolphins at their headquarters. At the time I worked for a promotion agency, and we were trying to sell them a sweepstakes.
The Dophins had played the night before. The results of the game were the buzz of the office. At this point in my life I had become adept at faking sports conversations, but never at this level. Never *this* deep.
Swatting every comment with:
"Oh, my god, you're telling me!"
"Amazing, yes."
"Couldn't get enough of that instant replay. Am I right?"
But then all went dark. Without warning the VP of Marketing for the Dolphins asked me a direct question about quarterback John Beck and the jig was up.
I did everything I could. But every attempt to answer just shed light on the lies I had been spewing up until this point. I broke into a pool of sweat. I had to excuse myself. To this day I can't even see a dolphin without experiencing chest pains.
It would be years before sports would re-enter my life.
At this point I had written myself off. Sports would never be a real part of me. Yes, I attended an occasional baseball game with friends. But truth be told it was because I loved peanuts and hotdogs. If I'm being honest, nine innings with a stretch at 7, I don't think the torture at Guantanamo Bay is that slow and cruel.
In 2012, at work, I was handed a sports square for the Super Bowl. It was $5 to enter. My palms became very sweaty, but then it was explained to me that all I had to do was pick a couple of squares. I had no idea my life was about to change forever.
I won the sports square contest. I'm not exactly sure the logistics of the game. I just know at work they handed me $125. I also received a lot of high-fives.
I was being high-fived for sports!
Maybe sports wasn't so bad after all. Turns out maybe not knowing anything was a huge advantage.
In 2013, I picked up a March Madness bracket. I paid my $10 entry fee. While some spent hours painstakingly reviewing the matchups I simply picked the names I had kinda heard of: 2nd place. $200.
The next two years I was victorious as well. Years of knowing nothing was finally paying off.
A couple months ago I was asked to join a Fantasy Football league. I said yes without much thought. Knowing nothing about football I felt secure that I could really excel at fantasy sports play.
The fantasy draft was fast and furious.
I had one browser window open that showed the live draft and I had another window open loaded with Google.
Each round I simply googled, "Who should I pick for...[position]"*
(*yes, I had a second Google window open with the search result for 'positions' which yes, I had to adjust to 'football positions' before the kids came running into the room.)
After the draft, I felt even more confident when my 12-year-old nephew reviewed my lineup and was very impressed. This led to much 'smack talk' in the fantasy chat room.
This year I am confident that the combination of knowing nothing and having Google by my side, that I will dominate my Fantasy Football league.
I finally found something I don't know anything about and I'm amazing at it.
I know my dad will be very proud. If I ever tell him.
Jeff Dwoskin is a professional comedian, avid tweeter, and co-founder of Hashtag Roundup