So you're finally going to tackle that big weekend project you've been putting off. Spring is the time for new beginnings, right? All winter long your confidence level has been rising. Perhaps you've been inspired by those TV commercials for a hardware chain that promotes the mantra, "You can do it. We can help."
In my world, that slogan would be changed to, "You think you can do it. We'll try to help you put the pieces together and get some counseling."
Honestly, I'm not against the do-it-yourself philosophy. But you have to be realistic about the potential outcomes. With that thought in mind, here's a genuine no-nonsense checklist to assist in preparing for the upcoming ordeal. Be aware that unexpected complications always pop up after you get started. Life is full of surprises. Just remember the formula "P to the 5th Power." Proper planning prevents pitiful performance.
So grab a pencil, complete the information below, pull on some work clothes, be sure your insurance premiums are paid up, and start making some home improvement magic!
PROJECT TYPE
_____ Indoor
_____ Outdoor
_____ Buffer Zone
_____ Twilight Zone
_____ Underground
_____ Not of This Earth
PROJECT SIZE
_____ Small
_____ Not So Small
_____ Voluminous
_____ Maze-like
_____ Let History Decide
SURFACE TYPE
_____ Wood
_____ Petrified Wood
_____ Plastic
_____ Metal
_____ Mineral
_____ Magma
_____ Bone
_____ Soft Tissue
SURFACE TEXTURE
_____ Smooth
_____ Coarse
_____ Flaky
_____ Wrinkled
_____ Jagged
_____ Blistered
_____ Hairy
SURFACE CONDITION
_____ Stable
_____ Flaccid
_____ Undulating
_____ Decomposing
PROJECT PREPARATION
_____ Drop Cloth
_____ Mineral Spirits
_____ Distilled Spirits
_____ Spirit of '76
_____ Brushes and Rollers
_____ Rolaids
_____ Band-Aids
_____ Masking Tape
_____ Mixing Bucket
_____ Bucket to Throw Up In
_____ List of Expletives
_____ Rubber Gloves
_____ Geiger Counter
_____ Gauze
_____ Rags
_____ Goggles
_____ Stomach Pump
_____ Safety Harness
_____ More Gauze
_____ Stain Remover
_____ Coagulating Agent
_____ Fire Retardant
_____ CPR Handbook
_____ Book of Common Prayer
PROJECT CLEAN-UP
_____ Broom
_____ Vacuum Cleaner
_____ Soap and Water
_____ Bleach
_____ Agent Orange
_____ Power Washer
_____ Blowtorch
_____ Acid Bath
_____ Wood Chipper
_____ Decompression Chamber
MISCELLANEOUS
_____ Shovel
_____ Police Scanner
_____ Body Bags
_____ Grave Marker
_____ Passport
_____ Alibi Witness
_____ One-way Airline Ticket