02/06/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Rumors For The Next Campaign

This message is for all potential candidates who are already planning ahead for
the 2012 elections. Politics is no cakewalk. You've got to prepare for worst-case scenarios. There may come a time during the contest when the polling numbers go in the tank, your talking points start falling flat, and a lot of voters seem to be getting bored with the whole process.

The solution is simple: you must jolt the entire campaign out of the doldrums with some high-voltage charges about your opponent that will create doubts about his character and judgment.

Taking the offensive will make you look decisive. Don't worry about being truthful. If the past ten years have proven anything, it's that significant numbers of Americans will give credence to negative rumors about a candidate regardless of how often the stories are debunked.

If challenged by a reporter to back up your claims, simply say, "The issue isn't about facts. It's about starting a necessary discussion." Or, to put it more persuasively, just because an allegation isn't true doesn't mean it should be swept under the carpet.

Don't wait until your approval ratings have sunk to single digits. Pick up the phone and start the leaks flowing. Here are some eye-brow raising accusations that will quickly swing the momentum back in your favor.

1) My opponent may not be a citizen of this country. I've heard reports that he was born on an airliner flying over the ocean. By not being born on the surface of our planet, I believe he cannot legally be classified as an Earthling.

2) Reliable assertions have been made that my opponent believes the internet is just a fad and our communication needs would be better served by a nationwide system of skywriting.

3) My opponent has said on numerous occasions that he thinks "Plan 9 From Outer Space" is the greatest movie ever made.

4) Friends of my opponent claim he once belonged to a shadowy cult that believes Arthur Godfrey is still alive in a secret mountain hiding place and will someday return to rule over a New Golden Age of Television.

5) My opponent once visited the Los Alamos Nuclear facility and was overheard asking a guard, "Where do you guys keep the Kryptonite?"

6) A reliable official in the state department revealed that my opponent wants Disneyland to have seat on the UN Security Council.

7) Former high school classmates say my opponent started wearing an eyepatch during his senior year and lied on his college application by claiming to be the real life model for bubble gum icon Bazooka Joe.

8) My opponent wants all foreign language classes in public schools canceled immediately and replaced with Esperanto.

9) My opponent has bragged repeatedly that he gets his ideas about economics by listening to old Led Zepplin records played backwards.

10) All those great speeches my opponent gives are mostly pre-recorded. At least 90-percent of the time he's just lip-synching.