The following is a partial transcript of a recent unpublicized on-line
debate between presidential hopefuls Rudolph Giuliani and Mitt Romney
sponsored by GetYourSleazyHandsOffOurMoney.org, a little known but highly
influential group of fiscal conservatives.
GIULIANI: I cut taxes 23 times. I believe in tax cuts. I did it. You
didn't.
ROMNEY: That's baloney. I did not increase taxes. I lowered them.
GIULIANI: Did not.
ROMNEY: Did TOO! You are so full of baloney.
GIULIANI: Admit it, you love taxes. If there was a Nobel Prize for taxes
you'd win it every year.
ROMNEY: You're a talking baloney sandwich. I am opposed to taxes. That's
my position, period. What's YOUR position?
GIULIANI: I am MORE opposed than you are. I believe all taxes are bad.
Taxes are screwing up America and making our enemies stronger.
ROMNEY: You can't be more opposed than I am. It's impossible. I think
taxes should be abolished. Every one of them.
GIULIANI: I will abolish all taxes, and make it illegal to enact new ones.
What's more, anyone who proposes a new tax while I'm President will be
arrested.
ROMNEY: I will make it a crime to say the word "tax" out loud. Anyone who
says that word will go to jail when I am Commander-in-Chief.
GIULIANI: When I am elected to lead this great country, I'll see to it
that anyone who says the word "tax" out loud is sent to prison for life,
solitary confinement, with no possibility of parole.
ROMNEY: Under my administration, it will be against the law to even THINK
the word "tax."
GIULIANI: I intend to make sure that all taxes collected in the past are
returned to the pockets of hard working Americans. Radio stations will also
be prohibited from playing 'Taxman' or any other record that has lyrics
mentioning the collection of taxes.
ROMNEY: I will personally go to England and make them repay every penny
they collected from the American colonies under that odious Stamp Act. With
interest, I should add.
GIULIANI: My goal is to see that all written references to the word "tax"
are removed from every school textbook in this country. And all teachers
will be forbidden from writing it on the chalkboard.
ROMNEY: During my term as President, any person who says the word "tax" out
loud, writes it on a piece of paper, or even thinks about it, while standing
next to a little kid or a pregnant woman, will be prosecuted for child abuse
and a hate crime.
GIULIANI: I will work with both parties to have the word "tax" officially
banned from the English language. We will replace it with an
unpronounceable symbol like the one Prince used when he was known as "the
artist formerly known as Prince."
ROMNEY: I'm not going to speak that word again, not ever. Starting now.
GIULIANI: What word?
ROMNEY: Don't play dumb. You know what I mean.
GIULIANI: No, really, help me out here. What word?
ROMNEY: Tax.
GIULIANI: Ha! Gotcha! You just broke a campaign promise!
ROMNEY: That was cheating! Shut up!
GIULIANI: No, YOU shut up!!