09/14/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011

Your Free Market School Choice

Attention everyone who has legal custody of school-age children! Just in time for the 2008-09 academic year, I announce the opening of New Paradigm Academy. Classes will surely fill quickly once this news gets around, so don't hesitate to sign your kids up. And don't be dismayed by my lack of scholarly credentials in the field of education reform. As we all know, when it comes to school issues, everybody's an expert.

This cutting edge institution should get high marks on the report card of public opinion. That's because the curriculum isn't based on some academic think tank mumbo jumbo. The lesson plans have been culled from truly credible sources, i.e. popular national forums where many
groundbreaking social theories originate: CNN's Situation Room, Sunday morning TV interview shows, and talk radio.

Here are just a few of the revolutionary innovations that will create a better, brighter learning environment for generations to come.

STAFFING: The word 'teacher' is obsolete at New Paradigm. Instructors will be known as Service Representatives, and will be accessible on nights and weekends by dialing 1-800-LEARNIT. This reflects our philosophy of running the school more like a business, and making sure every student is also a satisfied customer.

UNIFORMS: Seasonal attire will be provided through a licensing agreement with the NFL, NBA, and Major League Baseball. Plan on selecting the teams your child will represent at the first school assembly. League monitors will conduct spot checks throughout the year to ensure full compliance.

FUND RAISING: No more exhausting door to door sales of candy and wrapping paper! The entire New Paradigm campus has been declared an enterprise zone, allowing us to tap private sector revenue sources. Playground space will be leased to local farmer's cooperatives, warehouse liquidators, and traveling carnivals. The gym has already been booked for a celebrity lecture series headlined by Anthony Robbins, Jerry Springer, and Howard Stern. Negotiations are also underway for a winter holiday nostalgia concert starring Alice Cooper, Jefferson Starship, and Grand Funk Railroad.

METRICS EVALUATION: Say good-bye to those interminable parent-teacher conferences. Personal videocams will be issued for spontaneous documentation of school and home activities. This will allow all families and staff members to conduct mutual ongoing assessment of each other's goals, expectations, and standards. Students who demonstrate outstanding hidden camera aptitude may apply for prestigious summer internships with 60 Minutes or Inside Edition.

Admission to New Paradigm is not guaranteed, but the first one hundred applicants will receive a special Fox-TV collector's edition video of "America's Wackiest Classroom Capers," hosted by Henry Winkler and Jerry Mathers. Don't miss out on this rare educational opportunity or you'll be very, very sorry. We might even send a note home to your parents.