Dear Jen,
There are many times when I'm buying a cup of coffee or a sandwich or something, and the girl at the cash register has some stunningly beautiful feature -- eyes usually -- and I feel compelled to compliment her. I never say anything, though, because I don't know if that would be awkward. So I'm wondering, am I right in keeping it to myself? Would most women be flattered or creeped out, and what does it depend on?
--The Sound of Silence
Dear Silence,
I am pleased to report that I am friends with the Funniest Person in the World. I can't be at his house for more than 10 minutes without finding myself clinging helplessly to furniture, banging my head against the wall or doubled over as if I'm begging someone to kick me. He's been happily married to the same person for over 20 years, and although she is as sweet as pie, the woman has the sense of humor of a bowl of pudding. While the rest of us are teary-eyed, red-faced and stumbling around screaming for help, she sits there, nervously smiling, as if she's just sat in something wet.
"Oh, the waste!" I think as I drive away. All that precious hilarity that goes soaring over her head only to land in a stinking, rotting pile in the corner when they're alone.
So many people starving for laughter in the world, and there he is, feeding caviar to the flies. I can't stand it. I really just can't.
I feel the same way about undelivered compliments, the ones we don't give to each other or to ourselves. We are on this planet but once, and to spend it holding back our gushing appreciation of the things that light us up is a shameful waste.
If you say something to the cashier of your dreams and wind up rubbing her the wrong way, she'll probably think, "That guy was weird, but cool, he thinks I'm hot!" Getting a compliment, even if you need a cooty shot afterwards, is still a compliment. So the way I see it, it's a win/win situation: whether she finds you creepy or charming, you still made her feel special and appreciated, and you should be proud of yourself for conjuring up the cojones to put yourself out there.
In an attempt to help you err on the charming side, however, here, are some pointers:
Charming: Complimenting her while looking in her eyes and smiling.
Creepy: Complimenting her while staring at the floor -- or worse, her chest.
Charming: Smiling, no-big-dealing, and walking away.
Creepy: Lingering, staring, wiggling your fingers, wanting something in return.
Charming: Following up with a lovely chat.
Creepy: Touching her.
It's about who you're being and how you say it, not what you say, so be light and fun and happy about it, and so will she. And practice makes perfect, so do it as much as you can. And lastly, to paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt, no one can make you feel like a dick-twiddling pervert without your permission, so give yourself a break, be brave and let the compliments fly.
Follow Jen Sincero on Twitter: www.twitter.com/JenSincero
Be truthful, be specific and be heartfelt for family, friends and those you don't know, alike! But don't expect to make every compliment with a stranger into a relationship. Give it like a gift, generously, with no strings attached.
If you love compliments like me, check out my website and soon to be published book, at www.complimentquotient.com
And Jen, you ARE an excellent writer! Thanks for sharing you with us.
PS. I compliment people all the time, probably more women than men, but men too and I don't care if they find me creepy. Life is too short to worry about how others look at you and were the situation reversed, I would very much appreciate the thought.
Also, the 'don't linger' thing is crucial. Let her get back to what she was doing. And unless a girl is really vain, it's not really fun to have the compliment turn into the topic of conversation that gets forced on you. It's awkward. If she wants to talk to you, she'll keep the conversation going after your compliment.
Another big no-no: asking a woman's age. Unless you've established a friendship, met multiple times, and are involved in a conversation where it's a truly relevant question, just don't do it. I'm not sensitive about my age at all, but if I'm chatting up a random stranger and the third thing out of his mouth is "how old are you?" - you've just lost whatever chance you had to start with. I've had two guys do this to me within 15 minutes of each other.
My friend said he met a cute, funny girl who a) was very pretty, b) smelled good, and c) had a cool nose ring. I told him to complement the nose ring. Since most women put at least a decent amount of thought into picking out jewelry (I know I do), it's a compliment more on her taste and style than her body. That girl turned out to have a boyfriend, so no dice for my buddy. But I was on a first date with a guy a few weeks ago, and on the walk home, he complimented my earrings. It was nice and not awkward.
If you're looking to meet/date, then compliment them on something no one else does. If they have pretty eyes, they've likely heard it a million times.
I once had the most awesome compliment from a good looking woman. I was driving a beat up old car and the woman in the car next to mine looked over and said, "you really make that old car look good". Very creative and innocent.
Actually I think that's one big problem: being complimented on your body, eyes, whatever. It sounds too much like a proposition, most times. It's one thing to say "I like that haircut!" to someone you know; but any bloke saying something like "You have lovely eyes" is running the risk of me sticking my finger into one of his! It's intrusive, for me; way too personal. The only man I want comments like that from is my husband (and yes, they are forthcoming, lol).