Threesome's A Crowd

Dear Jen,

After years of frank discussion, my wife and I recently decided to open up our marriage and explore things with other people. We've each had a few experiences on our own, and a couple of threesomes together, and although we've had a wonderful time, I have one problem.

Sometimes in our threesomes I feel like I'm the necessary evil for the girls who want to be with my wife. It always seems to be "about the girls," and while I can certainly sit back and enjoy watching, sometimes I feel like the third wheel who's there only because the new partner feels like she has to include me. I'm sure these girls would be thrilled to be by themselves with my wife, and it's kind of a blow to the ego!

Do I just suck it up and be grateful that I'm getting to have a threesome at all? Or am I right in wanting to feel like an equal? A lot of the women we've been with are quite new to expressing their bisexuality, so maybe it'll change if we find a regular partner and the novelty of the girl-girl sex starts to wear off?

-Why can't I have my cake and eat it too?

Dear Cake,

I have a friend who has an extensive owl collection. It all started when she innocently purchased a wooden carving of an owl in front of her mother one afternoon -- hmmm, isn't that cute? -- and has led to her being the horrified owner of owl pot-holders, clocks, earrings, slippers, "I Don't Give A Hoot!" t-shirts, needle pointed owl pillows, salt and pepper owl shakers, stuffed owls, owl soap-on-a-rope...On birthdays, holidays and graduations, the dreaded swarm descends, perching on her shelves, flapping up her wall-space, peeking out from her closet -- it's like a horror movie.

"I don't know how it got so out of hand," she moaned one day as she unwrapped an "Owl Always Call You Friend" cross-stitch wall hanging from her sister-in-law. We decided she had to put a stop to it, to thank them very much but declare her world an owl-free zone from now on. Her friends and family were surprised and indignant, and although the onslaught stopped, they treated her like she was nuts. "Fine, if that's what you want, but..."

People love to tell you what you should and shouldn't want, regardless of what you have to say about it. Especially if you should, gasp, turn up your nose at hot girl-on-girl action as a guy. As a virile member of the heterosexual male population, you are supposed to knock over tables to get near anything having to do with girl on girl sex. It's the undisputed Holy Grail of sexual experiences, the ultimate high-five, and you got your wife to agree to it - score! It's no wonder you feel weird and ungrateful for being unsatisfied. What kind of man does that make you anyway?

Luckily you have the option to value your opinion over the opinions of others, so if being left to watch from the sidelines of a threesome doesn't float your banana, then it doesn't float your banana. It's really just that simple.

Just as with any other activity on the sexual playing field, if one of the participants isn't into it, it means game over. You need to start by telling your wife how you feel and then make sure that all the ladies who come home with you understand that you come as a set, that you are not sold separately. If a girl isn't into the male part of the equation, then you need to file her under a solo snog for the wife (assuming you guys are still messing around separately), accept that for this particular round you'll be all eyes, or blow her off and find someone who is. Going ahead with it and feeling lousy is not an option.

As far as repeated trysts making a woman more open to including you in the mix goes, I have no idea. It totally depends on the woman. The important thing is that you're honest with yourself and your wife, and that you try not to get your ego involved. If these women are only interested in girl on girl action, the fact that you don't fit the bill isn't something to take personally. That's like feeling badly about yourself because you didn't get invited to your neighbor's lesbian pot luck.

Sex is supposed to be fun and make you feel good. So if you don't like what's being offered to you, don't accept it, because if you do, before you know it you'll have an unwanted collection of disappointments and resentments cluttering up your relationship.

Sex is something that drives us, empowers us and gets us into really stupid situations with people we have no business seeing naked. Jen Sincero is the bestselling author and sexpert with the carnal knowledge you need. Ask her your questions (all are posted anonymously) at [e-mail]. Cuz there's no such thing as being too good in bed.

Comments

[TommyMcCarthy]

It's the "being there" for your partner, giving this gift.... that IS the turn on.....tm

[Trilby]

Man-man-lady threesomes are much better, IMHO. A woman can please more men more times than a man can do in the reverse. It's just a fact!

[amp27]

My advice to Cake is to becime really really good in bed...at hitting the g-spot with your fingers, or some other spectacular moves, and the girls will like you more, and maybe you'll get your wife to be a bit jealous.

The pleasure of watching women, even if you don't get any action, is that they are beautiful, soft creatures. Maybe you have enough of a feminine side that you don't need that emphasized. Most men can't access their soft side, so it's nice to see it play out for them.
If you can get your wife and a woman to come with your fingers at the same time, you could feel quite empowered. Better to be successful with one woman at a time first.
Jen - the owl story, although expressing your point, didn't display your sexpert skills.

[Halmk]

I am a very lucky man. I am also a little past middle age. I have had numerous threesomes, some with my wife when we were younger some prior to being married. I am also active in a men's organization and generally sensitive to women bashing male fantasies while acknowledging their own as fine and wholesome and normal.
That said, Jen that is the most reasonable response I can imagine reading to that letter. You have with one answer made ma a fan of your blog.
And threesomes are not the be all and end all of male fantasy, threesomes with twins is.

[eaglecapri]

I love it! Men complaining about threesomes....who would have 'thunk'?

[rini]

Jemaine, "I've almost had a threesome"

Bret "How so?"

Jemaine, "Well, it was one less."

Bret, "Cool, how was that?"

Jemaine, "Well, it was me and one other person."

Bret "Wait a minute, that's regular sex. I've had that!"

[goodog]

So many interesting angles left unexplored by this "sexpert" who drones on and on about an owl collection when the subject is hot lesbian action. All this talk of honoring your needs is lady talk to a guy who just wants to get off. Lesbian chicks aren't into guys. That's it. End of that discussion. So mix it up with some honestly bi girls, guys, even a gay guy and see what happens. Use your brave imagination, or settle for the typical straight guy's flawed logic: dykes who are hot for dudes. If you haven't discussed these options with your wife, you haven't had a very thorough discussion.

[DMSmith]

Three-somes are GREAT...until you forget your partner's there!!

[IntrepidReader]

I have never understood why it's a "universally acknowledged truth" that real red-blooded heterosexual men want nothing more than to see homosexual acts between women. I freely admit I don't live in a very sophisticated area, but the guys I know well enough to ask about this are all pretty indifferent to the whole notion. Most of us realize that when two women are getting it on with each other, a man becomes unnecessary.

I can't help but believe this is another one of those things the media has pushed so hard that rank and file men all feel compelled to go woohoo and pretend to be excited by it because they think everyone else is.

I think the guy who wrote this letter exemplifies what I'm saying; he went for this lame but supposedly hot idea of letting women get all into each other in front of him and damn, it wasn't very hot after all sitting there wagging his wienie and being ignored. What a surprise.

[HuffingtonGlue]

It's funny how women and men just think so differently about sex. Only and I mean ONLY a woman would say "when the novelty of the girl-girl thing wears off" hahaha...

When does the novelty of getting a BJ wear off?
NEVER. That's when.

Don't open that door with a guy unless you're willing to walk through it repeatedly.

God bless women who love other women. They're my favorite kind.

[lungfish]

I can identify with Cake but have some perspective to offer... let me preface by saying that I am a hetero male and have been in threesomes with my spouse of 20years - both variations. Two girls, two guys.... and I have to agree with Cake that there is a culture of women in the recreational sex scene that will "put up" with me to be with my spouse. My girl is attractive, flirty, desireable and bi and that does something to a certain percentage of females.
The real deal, as I have come to read it, is that women can get another man whenever they want one. The third party female in the equation isn't there to be with just a man and the likelyhood of her being equally attracted to both of us as a couple is mostly wishful thinking. Girl-girl sex isn't as easy to come by - candidates are in committed relationships, aren't bi, etc...
It is not so common that a woman is attracted to me enough to "put up with' my spouse. So, more often than not, the attraction is more between the girls.
I used to take this personally and I found myself facing a number of situations where, after a few trysts, the new girl declared that she just wanted to be with my spouse...
Of course, we are steadfast in our relationship and refused to let the third party dictate to us...
The course we eventually took involved de-emphasizing recreational sex to a few rounds a year and taking most of our fun at on premis clubs and parties... we go, we play however we want, and we come home together without anyone in tow...
I agree that often swinging and such things are part of the death knell of a relationship but they don't have to be. We did hit a rocky patch and separated for a year or so recently (nothing to do with swinging) but we recently reconciled and after recommitting ourselves to each other it is all more fun than ever...

[DeSwiss]

I find it interesting that in this patriarchal world in which we live, that here we have a man who convinces his wife to expand their marriage into an open one, allowing him and her to engage in sex with others, which also includes sex in female-male-female threesomes, and that the one coming away with the ego bruises here -- is the guy. Poetic justice? Or could it be that with the comparative sexual experience now under her belt (pun intended) and fresh in her mind, she's coming to the conclusion that maybe heterosexuality "isn't all that?" Or is it just you? Let's see.... "multiple and ever-heightening orgasms" vs. "bip-bam-thank-you-ma'am ----- snore." Hmmm.... decision, decisions.

The other thing that's interesting here, is that in his bemoaning letter to Jen, he never mentioned a threesome where his wife gets to pick another man. What's up with that? What, too OPEN for ya? The fact that she obviously didn't pursue a male-female-male threesome is telling in itself. Maybe she's always been a lesbian, but she sought a life that was absent the ridicule and vilification that lesbians and gays are constantly on the receiving end of these days. And so she married him instead. And with his coming to her with a threesome idea, she now gets the best of both worlds. Be careful what you wish for. You may get it. In spades.

The potential irony here now is, what if he concludes that his ego can take no more of this, and he wants to stop and go back to the regular dull kind of marriage, and she doesn't??? He's let the genie out of the bottle now. And there's no putting him back. Now he's competing with his wife's sex partners who know where all the buttons are located. Buttons he doesn't even know exist.

Damn. Sucks to be you....... :-|

[AngryAmish]

I've been to the rodeo a few times, and this much I know to be true: Nothing is more rare in this world than a threesome involving a committed couple in which both partners are equally enthusiastic about inviting a third party into their bed.

In my long sexual career as the third party, it was my experience that one partner almost always consents to the three-way out of quiet desperation to save the relationship. It is this partner who hangs slightly aloof in the sexual encounter, taking measure of how much attention is given--by whom, to whom. This subtle but constant monitoring makes for a grim tryst, and is the main reason I gave up the practice.

Couples who are dependent on three-ways to sustain the relationship are usually just postponing the inevitable by manipulating the body and feelings of another human being: it's rather like a naked version of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf." And like the Albee play, the below-the-surface dynamics of a three-way are exhausting. My advice to Cake? Get the hell out of the relationship. It's over.

[TheCyclist]

Okay, as someone who has had two threesome experiences, and neither reached Holy Grail status, all I can say is this - I think about them every day of my life, and not in a bad way. When they were fresh, I was, naturally wishing that things had gone a little this way or a little more that way. But, you know, they were both pretty amazing. I've had the same experience with plain twosomes where at the time, or maybe even for a while after, I would think, okay, this wasn't as fulfilling as I wished. Later, some of those experiences have been the most replayed in my mind. My advice, shut up, be there for your wife, and realize that it is not all about you. Find other ways to enjoy the energy and stimulation of the situation. And if that means you are sitting to the side watching, well, just ask yourself, is what you are watching more memorable and stimulating than what's on cable right then. Nothing will be perfect, but that doesn't mean it won't be fantastic.