THE BLOG

A Tisket, a Tasket, I Bought a Costco Casket

09/10/2013 05:37 pm ET | Updated Nov 10, 2013

It should come as no surprise that Costco is now selling caskets. That's right. Caskets. Like for dead people. They have spent years selling people 700 Oreos at a time, 1000 pack snack bags of Doritos, palates of sugary drinks and just general unhealthy-ness in bulk. People can't stay alive eating that stuff and the good folks at Costco know that to be the case. Which is why the management at Costco were smart enough to realize that they should start selling caskets to their members. At a discount.

I love that you can go buy a bottle of 2000 Advil, a pack of 37 toothbrushes...and a casket. Makes total sense. One stop shopping at it's finest. And it's not just that they are selling caskets. It's how they are selling them. Marketing genius really. Let's look at the casket displays and talk through them. Shall we?

Affordable
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This display bills itself as being affordable. A steal at only $799.99. Affordable is good right? And very Costco. This one speaks for itself.

Then the displays get a bit more confusing.
Non-Emotional
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Now, maybe it's just me but I find death to be very emotional. Devastating in fact. Which is why I am confused by this "non-emotional" casket. Are they saying that if you buy this casket people around you won't be emotional? Or maybe you shouldn't be emotional about dying if you are buying this "non-emotional" casket? Does it have a non-emotional look about it? What is it about this casket that makes the experience completely void of emotion? I mean in the picture the two people seem to be having a very non-emotional conversation. Costco, i'll give you that. But no one looks dead. Who was the marketing person that decided this was the way to sell this bad boy during a meeting?

"All in favor of calling this display non-emotional say aye."

It must have been a landslide vote in that meeting. That people like me just can't understand.

Informed
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This woman looks like she is being informed. Absolutely. I think. About what? I don't know. Is this a plan ahead purchase or a point-of-purchase impulse buy? What is she being informed about? Tell us Costco. TELL US! By the way Costco, I am not telling you how to run your business, because you obviously do really well- but when a family is buying 800 liters of Kool Aid, you may want to inform them about what that means for their health. Just sayin'.

Non-Threatening
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I'm sure we can all agree we want to buy a non-threatening casket. Does this one seem less threatening? Is there something about this casket in particular that puts one at ease? Like maybe you can stay alive inside and there is an escape door? Guess what? It's not working. Even as I type this and think about climbing in that thing, I am having a panic attack. However, maybe if I knew why it wasn't threatening it would be a whole other story. Though it probably wouldn't.

If you go to the Costco website you can peruse a ton of coffins. Luckily there is expedited shipping available, cause...well...you know. You never know when you may need one.

Next time you are buying a flat screen TV and tree trimmings for Christmas, get yourself a non-emotional or non-threatening casket. It will seem like no big deal when you are chowing down on one of the 400 individually wrapped Twizzlers you are probably buying and pushing around in your cart at the time. Fun for the whole family. Not to mention...affordable.

*This piece is dedicated to and old dear friend and loyal reader Fred Borden who gave me this amazing idea.