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With Kim K's shiny, nekkid booty keeping the Internet abuzz whilst my own completely clothed breasts were creating Facebook controversy, I wondered what the Internet would come up with for a #ThingsThatLookLikeMyPostBabyBoobs hashtag about my tatas...
Many years ago, while still full of life, my boobs raised eyebrows. Now they are flat like pancakes. (Keep a careful eye out for the puns. They're so subtle you might miss them. Kinda like my boobs. Ba-dum-ching!)
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If only they were still round like pancakes. I once was a tart with an ample rack of cupcakes, but carrying two babies past their due dates and nursing for three years was a recipe for boobs that resemble rolled-out bread dough.
Formerly busting out of sweaters, my boobs have now burst like overfilled water balloons. Well, it was more like a slow leak, and I was left with drained, deflated balloon boobs.
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I've considered filling them with helium but I'm afraid they'll just sound funny.
Tube socks. They look like flat tube socks. Ironically, they sag so low that soon enough I'll literally be able to use them to cover my feet.
The Many Personalities of Tube Sock Boobs: The "Swing Low Sweet Chariot," The "Curtsy," The "Please, Sir, I Want Some More," The "Over Your Shoulder Like a Continental Solider," and The "Fruit Roll-Up."
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Between their flattened state and the stretch marks, it looks as though my boobs were run over by a tractor, leaving behind huge tracts of land.
I should be stocking up on Wonderbras now that my knee-highs are knee-lows. My poor old boobs look like a stretched-out pair of nylons stuffed with super balls. Also, insert a joke here about "tights"... I'm running low on puns.
*This space reserved for a joke about control top or sheer-to-waist.*
This is where I attempt to parody Kim K's infamous Papermag images. If you've never seen her four photos, these likely will make no sense. They likely make no sense even if you have seen her photos, but I aim to confuse (and amuse).
A brave comparison of the girls in 1998 and present-day.
Maybe my boobs look like tube socks. Maybe my butt doesn't look like two hams that have been rolled around in a butter-filled kiddie pool (... and I don't think I would want it to, *shudder*). But I'm OK with that.
I don't hate my post-baby body. I actually LOVE my body, saggy boobs, muffin top, and ALL. You can call your stretch marks Tiger Stripes if that makes you feel better... and I'll call mine Tire Tracks. I gotta be able to laugh at myself... a lot... because sometimes the truth is just FUNNY! I hope that you're comfortable in your postpartum skin, because it really IS a beautiful thing. It's different, but it's beautiful. And if you're not quite ready to laugh at yourself yet... then laugh at me! I really don't mind.
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