PhotoSHOP

Illustration by Paula.

The other night I couldn't sleep. So I do what I always do, grab my laptop and troll for porn.

No, not PORN porn. I mean clothes, shoes, bags, that porn.

I found a Vivienne Westwood Anglomania jacket at 60 percent off that I just had to have, so I emailed the image to JSlow. (Note: We routinely share pictures of purchases we are pondering for prior approval.)

Said jacket can be viewed here at my-wardrobe.com.

My purchase was approved.

Before I pulled the trigger, I checked to see if I could find it cheaper, which brought me here to Zappos.

And I did find it cheaper... looking.

On my-wardrobe.com, the jacket looked rich, as if lit by the soft lights of an antique chandelier. On Zappos, the jacket looked harsh and cheap, as if lit under the god-awful plastic fluorescent lights of every Chinese restaurant in North America.

I passed.

Lighting is everything.

As I continue to get older, the right light yanks years off my face. I choose restaurants and dressing rooms to maximize this effect.

The same rules apply to fashion.

Jackets and boots and gloves and scarves are my PORN, for crying out loud, and the lighting better enhance the curve of the heel and color of the leather.

If you want my money, you better seduce me.

And turn down the lights.