It was the day she had dreamed about. Standing barefoot at sunset, "Joni" (a former client of mine whose name I have changed) stood looking at the man she was about to marry. She planned the perfect wedding--a fairytale. There was one hitch--as she looked into her future husband's eyes, she had a pretty good idea that the marriage would not last.
Joni's story was not unique. After years of working with women like her I was curious about why so many women stayed in relationships that were essentially doomed from the start. As a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, I have spent more than 15 years working with women seeking guidance for relationship issues. The initial call usually involves a request to help with "communication skills" or "conflict management." More often than not, as therapy progresses, they reveal that the problems started long before they walked down the aisle. And if they're not married, they'll admit that they already know he's is not the right guy for them--yet they stay.
When I had a serendipitous meeting with a former runaway bride, we decided to write a book about this phenomenon. My coauthor's story of her near-miss at the altar along with my clinical experience turned into a mission to find out why so many women walk down the aisle knowing they are making a mistake! We thought if we could help women recognize the excuses for dating--and ultimately marrying--the wrong guys, maybe we could help them find the courage to get out before it was too late.
We developed a survey and sent it to divorced women, with one qualifier: "Did you know you were making a mistake as you were walking down the aisle?"
We sent it to everyone we knew. Within days our inboxes were jammed. Eventually, close to 1000 women gave detailed accounts about why they knowingly dated and eventually married the wrong guys.
Amid a chorus of critics who shout "hindsight bias" or "selective memory," I stand firm. If you take 10 divorced women and ask them whether they believed on their wedding day that they were marrying the right guy for the right reasons, seven of them would say yes and three will confess they had serious doubts long before walking down the aisle. That's the shocking truth for 30% of divorced women.
These women have very clear, distinct memories of the doubts, issues and concerns that existed in the relationship all along. They can also tell you exactly what they were feeling before they walked down the aisle. For example:
I was avoiding my dad's eyes as I waited with him at the end of the aisle. I did not want to hear any "pearls of wisdom." Instead I paid attention to the photographer. I simply could not look at my dad because I knew I was making a mistake.
I felt like I was dying a thousand deaths. I just wanted to get the whole thing over with.
By the time they made it to the ceremony, they felt it was too late to turn back. While their insides told them to run, their outsides marched down the aisle. They saw problems and ignored them. However, every single one of them put the blame for ignoring the problems and issues squarely on their own shoulders. The problem is not that their fiancé was a bad guy-the problem was that they ignored the problems!
Why would smart women do this? They cited many of the same reasons:
• Age: The self-imposed biological clock is starting to tick a little louder.
• "Marriage will instantly make the relationship better."
• "It's my last chance to get married and no one else will come along."
• "If it doesn't work out I can always get a divorce."
You can be critical, point your finger and shake your head. Judgment aside, "these women" are your sisters, daughters, and friends. Maybe even you. Their common --yet misguided--belief is that they are better off with the wrong guy than being alone. It doesn't matter how self-actualized, independent or liberal-minded they are.
So what's the answer? When in doubt, don't! Don't let fears of being alone dictate a night out with someone you have nothing in common with. Don't continue to date a man with whom you have zero chemistry. Chemistry matters. Don't say "I do" because you have "invested too much time in the relationship" or it's "the next logical step." And absolutely don't think that divorce can be used as an escape route without consequence. Divorce is not easy even when you are the one serving the papers. It's expensive, painful and it affects everyone around you.
Just ask Joni. She saw the red flags and she ignored them. Her gut told her something was wrong but she tuned it out. She found out the hard way that being alone would have been a lot easier than marrying the wrong guy--especially as she starts the painful task of navigating a divorce. The moral of the story is pay attention to those red flags and gut feelings. If you do, you are guaranteed to have happier, healthier relationships. What a difference this would make in the divorce rate. As a therapist, I'd be thrilled.
6 months later on the night before the wedding he said "I really don't wanna do this". I said "Me neither". He said "Your mother's gonna kill us after spending all that money." I said "You're right, what do we do?" He said "We'd better just go through with it."
Could be the all time stupidest, most juvenile, inane, ridiculous reason for a first marriage.
This article also makes it seem that people are powerless to fix their problems. The advice: if you have a doubt, don't marry, period. Not, if you have doubt, fix the problem before you marry, or do some self growth so that you can be surer concerning your decision. Also, if married, FIX IT. It kind of seems like it says, Oh well, you knew it was a mistake when you married, so now, just walk away and don't look back.
As for FIXING our marriage, it was not possible. We tried. I
It ended and that was for the best. Sometimes the best way to fix a problem like a troubled marriage is to walk away rather than to stay and make each other miserable.
LCSW SHE HUGE EVERY I'VE ISN'T TRULY.
Take from that what thou wilt.
g'night.
Fact is ladies, if you're not willing to make him feel important, wanted, and needed, don't get all pis$y if he goes somewhere else for it...And, it's not about the sex- he can get that relief with lotion and a playboy- it's all about the attention and feeling wanted... you're not the only ones who want that... the key is communication, and thinking of their needs..unfortunately, today's society teaches us to only think of our own needs, and that carries over into relationships.
The sex doesn't have to be good; he1l, just as long as it's occasional, and we can hope it'll get better. We can also often stick around because we stumble over the guilt of "what will become of her? she doesn't have a job or place to go"... Also, just like women, having someone who cares a little is a stronger allure than coming home to an empty house. We just don't want to feel alone and unappreciated in our own home. And, sometimes, he truly doesn't know things are as bad as they are. He works hard to support his family, like he was taught, and really doesn't feel the energy to wonder why she's bithcy and ungrateful after sitting around all day. how hard can a two year old be to take care of...(hope you're getting the sarcasm)...and if she's not giving it up, it'll just save him having to endure the "hurry up already" attitude that's replaced the adoration she used to show at his touch...and after so many brush offs and cold shoulders, and "it's all your fault, you don't make enough, you never listen" nags, can he be blamed if he finally gives up on trying to romance her... (continued)...
I wonder what my life would have been like if I had not rushed into this marriage. On the other hand, it produced two amazing children - and I don't regret that part at all.
My ex-husband is not a bad guy; he was just the wrong guy.
Divorce today will work a windfall for the unscrupulous/lazy divorcing woman/mother and a hardship for the hardworking/contributing divorcing man/father.
In what other area of society is such blatant gender-bias so routinely accepted?
Society needs to change its laws (on the books and as applied) to match the changes in gender roles in society.
Marriage is to hold people together that hate each other's guts, so they can raise kids.
We'd all be better off if we stopped pretending that every relationship is worth a life-long commitment.
We'd also be better off if we dropped marriage entirely. It has been turned into a trap for males, an entitlement program for lawyers, a money sink for couples (the marriage itself and the divorce and its consequences.)
You want a contract? Fine. Write one you can both live with, preferably one that sets out the rights and responsibilities if children become involved. You want to stay together? Fine. Do so. How hard is that? A marriage certificate only keeps you together longer if you actually want out. If you don't want out, you won't leave anyway... so by getting that cert, you're signing up for misery.
Just don't do it. It's an old custom, manifestly unsuitable for today's society.
"I wanted divorce. Nobody else in the family did. I got it. I'm happier. Nobody else is."
You choose it. You own it. What's so hard about that?
Give me a stinkin break, and of course our careless, pompous, sex-driven population is happier after divorce because they're finally FREE, to do and screw whoever they want. I witness it with people I work with and it's disgusting.
Vows, family and child-rearing is not taken nearly as seriously as it should be and really times need to change because it's getting out of control. ugh.
p.s. this is coming from a 24-year old woman, happily unmarried but soon-to-be wed, partnered for 9 years, two wonderful children and an Psychiatric LPN.
It's extremely easy to walk away, sign some papers, take a couple days out of work for the divorce and voila, all is forgotten. But when you meet someone new and fall in LUST then of course your happy. I'm sure when your finally old and thrice divorced and alone, you'll ask yourself, hey why didn't I just recognize the problems and fix em, hmmmmm???. Let problems go, talk about things with each other, be spontaneous, work on yourselves, let the past be the past. Stop and take a good look at these senior citizen couples and see how they still hold hands, I'm sure if you have a sit down with them it won't be all butterflies and rainbows, but they made it work and married 60+ years. that's going to be unheard of soon as long as ignorance influences as greatly as it does now.
People are proned to divorce because they hear and read about all this bitterness and how much happier after divorce and wonder "what if...", get advice from their counselors bc the other person doesn't seem "healthy" or simply put those "therapy" sessions are pretty much the patient complaining about the spouse or the spouses complaining about each other and of course the therapist is biased against the patient's spouse. As we all know that people rely so much on the opinions of others, especially a 'professional' who probably has never experienced much outside of normalcy and their acceptance. (continue)