We've been taught to live in fear: in fear of our neighbors, in fear of our friends, and in fear of our own families. "Trust no one," my father would tell me with conviction. He thoroughly believed it to be true, and I kind of did too. What did I know as a child? He continually reminded me of the fact that I was a child who didn't know anything. He used it against me and found power out of it. His deep powerlessness and shame unconsciously forced him to take power from me because I am sure it was taken away from him many times during the Khmer Rouge genocide.
When you are stripped down to you bare bones with nothing left... what else do you do but want to grab on to someone else?
When he criticized me every day I felt extremely flawed and unlovable. When no one greeted me at home and asked how my day was, I felt invisible and unimportant. I felt the need to be perfect for him, to reach his unrealistic expectations to receive any kind of love he had left inside him. But I was chasing a dream or more of a nightmare in disguise.
Relationships trigger me.
It reminds me of my father's mistreatment toward me. It's easy to be alone and not have to face the pain of severe rejection and betrayal of parent's who were supposed to love me, going back to my co-dependency patterns. My mother feeding his needs and never her own. She asked me recently why it's hard for me to put myself first and then I really thought about it.
Oh! It's because that's what you did, Mom.
You had no sense of respect for yourself. You put everyone before yourself, but I understand that's what you learned as a child from your family, culture, and ancestry. These are just programs and beliefs passed down from lineage to lineage waiting to be healed. And you know what I am tired of holding onto these beliefs that do not serve me. It prevents me from being happy, having love, and being in a healthy relationship with someone, which I felt like I was denying myself.
Sometimes I think we are addicted to the suffering, addicted to the feelings of anger, resentment, and sadness because it's so familiar to us. It feels like home. What if we went into the unknown instead and created a new story that aligns with our true selves, a new story that can birth a new way of life into our world.
It's possible but we need to heal. Address your emotional needs and honor the feelings of your inner child. You were taught to repress it but refuse to do it anymore. Find the courage to say no to self-rejection, and yes to your feelings that are waiting to be acknowledged.
No, it was not okay that no one asked you about how you were feeling. No, it is not okay that you came home and no one asked you how you were. That is emotional neglect. You have to fight for yourself because no one else can do it for you. This is where co-dependency fits in. You want someone to validate you and give you all the things you didn't as a child. But when they are gone, you are left with all the pieces once again.
You need to learn to validate yourself and see your own worth. Look in the mirror and say hey there good looking, you have a beautiful soul, you are so intelligent, or baby you're worth it Fifth Harmony style. Tell yourself that I believe in you. I believe in your visions and I believe in your dreams. And most of all know that I love you. All of you even the icky yucky stuff that you think is ugly. But maybe it is ugly and that is okay. Doesn't mean it's not beautiful either.
Listen deeply to your emotions and ask others for support. Let them know what you are going through and ask them if they are willing to be there for you through it. If not, then damn that sucks, but you will be able to let go of the people who are not good for you, making room for all the people in your life who will love and accept you for you.
But you have to start doing it first for yourself and re-parent the inner child that needs your love.