I call my big sister my guardian angel. She has looked over me with a giving heart and as a loving guide, always catching me when I fall. I remember as a child I wanted to do everything she did: watch Dawson's Creek episodes, chill with her friends, and listen to Boyz II Men or Backstreet Boys. She exposed me to a world of music, art, and culture I would experience after her. Lucky for me, I had someone who I could learn from, but for my sister, she did most of it on her own.
Today is her 31st birthday and I want to give this gift to her.
I want her to know she doesn't have to do it on her own anymore. As a child, I expected her to take care of me and support me when I needed it because my parents' were too busy with their own problems to be there for me. So I felt held by her, but who was there to hold her? No one.
My sister played many roles for me.
She was like my father, mother, sibling and best friend all compacted into one. I needed her to give me the love others could not, which is a lot of responsibility. Actually, my sister always had a lot of responsibilities, but she took them on with so much strength. When my father was sick from Leukemia, my sister would drive from UCLA all the way to the City of Hope to watch my dad, so my mom could take a break to sleep. Everyone looked to her, including my father, to take care of this family after he was gone. My sister only at the age of 21 knew the position she now held and was the new glue to keep this family together. She barely graduated from UCLA with a Bachelor's degree through it all. Our dad was not able to witness this beautiful ceremony, where his first daughter received the first Bachelor's degree ever received in our family in our generation, but I knew he would have been proud. Like many, she had dreams she wanted to pursue after college. She loved to write, she loved entertainment, and she loved to travel, but she decided to look for a job right after college to provide for our family. She knew I was in high school and wanted me to go to college, so she never asked me to contribute financially ever because she wanted me to succeed. I am here today because of her.
If you know Jackie, you know she is a good friend and person. You know she has a heart of gold. She is thoughtful and kind to those she is close to and wants them to be happy. She even took my mom out to the clubs! My mom married at the age of sixteen and never experienced the single life, but my sister was there to help her have some fun. When I went to UCSD, I was depressed for the first two years and started to take meds. I was still hurt from my father's death and did not feel at home at UCSD just yet. She knew this and visited me every month just to see me and be there for me. She would take me to my favorite restaurants and buy me groceries because she knew I was poor; she always makes fun of me for it too. Her humor made everything light in my once dark world and she is one of the only people still who will make me laugh until I pee my pants.
Now, my sister still provides for my mother and me. She supported me in many ways and cheers me on as I walk a step forward toward my dreams. But I know she cannot take care of me forever. Sometimes I enjoy my sister taking care of me because I don't want things to change between us. I am scared she won't love me the same way and that I won't find someone who will be there for me like she has.
I realized we needed to create new roles for each other in our relationship.
I am not a baby anymore, but I will need to take baby steps to learn how to provide for myself. We laugh about how I am going to still live with her while her future kids wonder why aunt Jenny took up their room and they have to sleep outside in the living room. I don't want that for us, but it would be funny!
I want my big sister to know that I am here to support her too and that it is okay to ask for help.
I want to have a relationship, where we thrive together, not stop each other from growing. Things may change, but I know our bond will only grow stronger. I thought I would always be the #1 person in your life and be the person you always thought of first when you wanted to share news or the one to call when you were sad. But I see now that I am no longer your #1 because you have a partner who loves you and soon you may have children; they will be your new #1's and I will find mine too. Now I can share what your love has taught me, which is to love through my actions and not just my words. I am ready for the world because of you and I cannot thank you enough.
Happy 31st Birthday Jackie. I love you.