My new friend best-selling author (Secret Lives of Wives and many other books!) Iris Krasnow wrote yet another powerful piece about women and relationships for the Huffington Post and after reading her recent post, I got to thinking...
Caution when contemplating the affair with the old love...
You may not regret it.
It may be JUST what you need.
But you will hurt... terribly.
I've never spoken to a woman who didn't feel great sadness after the jolt(s) of excitement.
There are valid reasons women stray. Though I don't choose this route, I understand it. And I refuse to judge another woman's choice involving sex and love. Yes, it is duplicitous to fool around. But my job isn't to judge another woman, I'd rather be her refuge.
Because every woman has a dark side. Whether dormant or awake, it is there. If she says it isn't, she's not being truthful. How we deal with it is the thing that varies.
I'm so tired of all the judging, frankly. I've said before I really believe the judgments come from fear of acknowledging the wanting of what someone else has and the fear of recognizing ourselves in someone else's (societally unacceptable) behavior or choices.
But the whole affair thing... I get it. It would feel really good to be sought after and longed for. Different from how my husband wants me and loves me. He does and I am really lucky. We've got a great thing.
Fantasy exists because we need the outlet. Those salacious thoughts and wants in our mind's eye can make for a pleasant respite. I don't like the rape fantasy. It's the "I make him so crazy he can't function" fantasy that works!
It's powerful to know my glance, my voice, my words and my touch could drive a different man wild.
Pretty sure many days my voice makes my husband crazy in the way that he'd like to snuff me out... if only for a few minutes!
There's also an addiction component. We get it, we want more.
I'm sure there's also the awesome throwback feeling to when we were young. It's extra appealing because this aging stuff is NOT fun.
Acting out in this way, having the affair, even in the case where it seems essential to your being, is ultimately unwise.
With the great highs in the moment come the unbearable lows. Two people who are not supposed to be together tend to only be in sync some of the time. The rest... one is OK and the other is hurting.
I think we do things like this as a way of acting out --in a way that somehow doesn't feel dangerous like a coke binge, even though it is. We do it to escape our lives because our lives can seem so unmanageable, boring or scary. The "is this really all there is?" feeling can be brutal and send us running for the hills or to an old yummy smelling guy with a giant dick!
However after that sojourn, after that release and after that incredible 15 minutes... or 40... what are we left with?
A memory to help us fall asleep or keep us awake? A conscience that is complicated by our choices?
You don't really want what goes with its continuing. And so, it will end.
That's what I believe to be the REAL trouble with the clandestine relationship. You have to live the good, the bad and the end... in a clandestine way. Have to grieve the inevitable loss of that relationship in a clandestine way. Otherwise, lives get ruined.
And you do NOT want that!