Jennifer Lehr answers your questions about sex, love, and relationships every week on Fearless Voices. To send her a question, please email jennifer@jenniferlehr.com.
Dear Jennifer,
My boyfriend loves cats. I hate them. He had two but gave them to hisex when he moved in with me. It's been a year since he's been catlessand he's just aching for a cat to come live with us. He's asked me ifwe can "try it" and has promised that if doesn't work out, he'll giveit to his mother who has agreed to take it. I don't know if can takeit! I'm just not a cat person.
What should I do? Can a non-cat person become a cat person? I justcan't picture it.
Carlos
Dear Carlos,
I didn't grow up in a cat household. I remember when my dad would spota neighborhood cat in our backyard, he'd hiss at it and chase it off asif it was the devil himself. So basically I grew up thinking of cats asnot quite like rats but not as pets I was actually interested inpetting.
Nine years ago, I went to my now husband John's house to pick him upfor our first date. When he opened the door, the scent of cat piss wasimmediate. I was horrified. Who could possibly live in a house not onlywith a cat, but with one who peed on the carpet and ruined your life--orat the very least, the lives of your guests who hadn't accommodatedtheir senses to the revolting smell? And to add insult to injury,John's cat Sheckie hissed and reached out to swipe me with her fullyerect claws as I walked by. Not only was I not so interested in Johnbecause of his long hair, but I couldn't imagine dating a guy with abitch for a cat.
Carlos, perhaps you'll be surprised to know that I fell in love withSheckie. And actually she moved in with me before John did.
How did the unthinkable happen?
Slowly.
As it turns out Sheckie hated everyone but John. She had a roughchildhood surrounded by a drug addicted and alcoholic father (John) andhis always-partying, out-of-control friends. Sheckie had to protectherself from the crazies, so she constantly had her "Don't touch me youcrazy drunks" guard up. Slowly I came to understand this and eventhough I sympathisized, it's not like I was going to get near her. Shewanted to scratch my eyes out. I had taken her man!
But then John left town for a month and I stayed at his place on andoff. One morning, she sat at the end of the bed. And I put my hand outand she came up and rubbed her face against the back of my fingers. Andthen she walked in a circle so she could rub the other side of hercheck against my hand. We did this slow dance of getting close to eachother for quite sometime and then did it again the next morning.
It wasn't long before I actually found myself leaning down to pick herup. Pick her up! And she let me. And I held her. And I loved her.
Sheckie was never a cuddly cat. But we got to really know each otherand to trust each other. I can't believe it's true. But it is.
Now, this experience did not make me a cat lover. But it made me aSheckie lover. She died three years ago and I still miss her sometimes.
So Carlos, I think you should give it a try. Your boyfriend is givingyou an out. You can always take him up on it. I think that once you getto know the cat "as a person" you'll fall in love too. I really do. Andyou still might not like cats, but I bet you'll like your cat. A lot.