Jennifer Lehr answers your questions about sex, love, and relationships every week on Fearless Voices. To send her a question, email jennifer@jenniferlehr.com.
Dear Jennifer,
I'm in my sixties. My son is in his late thirties. Over the years I'vetried to give him his space and not be so opinionated about his lifewhile trying to be supportive. Part of this support is financial. He'sa smart kid with some definite talents but he has yet to excel andcan't seem to make ends meet.
A number of years ago I made the down payment for an inexpensive2-bedroom condo. Unfortunately in the past couple of years, he hasn'tbeen able to keep a roommate and can't make the payments. Because theproperty is in my name and I don't want to default on the loan, I helphim out every month. But it is definitely putting a strain on my life.I have to work part-time to help him out. I'm on my feet all day eventhough I have a bad ankle and knee and I'm just getting to old for it.One doctor has even recommended surgery. Another said it isn'tnecessary. I'm sure my son isn't totally aware of my situation as I dolive in a nice house, though it has long since been paid off. I loveliving there and don't want to have to sell it. At the same time, heknow that I'm working to help him and I wish that that was enough tomake him want to get it together.
He does have job right now, however hasn't really settled into acareer. It just seems that he doesn't have a stick-to-it personality.But I don't want my son to feel abandoned. His father, my ex-husband,really isn't there for him at all. He has very little family and noother consistent emotional support and I just can't bare for him tofeel left alone. What to do?
Thank you in advance for reading my letter. I hope you can be of somehelp.
Cynthia,
Cynthia,
You have been treating your adult-child like a child-child for way toolong. It makes me wonder if you are suffering from some guilt oversomething and feel you "owe" your son. While it is obviously very hardfor you to cut him off for fear that he'll feel unloved, you are reallyjust MAKING MATTERS WORSE. You are. You want to help. You're workingyour ass off. And what are you really doing? I'll say it again. MAKINGMATTERS WORSE. You are. My god this has been going on way, way toolong.
While your son might feel badly that you're working to help him, thatguilt clearly isn't enough to get him off of his caboose. If he didn'thave you to help with the mortgage, he would be forced to figure out away to pay for it himself. Or lose the condo. That's what happens inthe world, if you can't pay for it, you don't get it. If you cut himoff, he just might build some of qualities that he is apparentlylacking: chutzpah, resourcefulness, and drive which result inconfidence and self-esteem. YOU ARE DEPRIVING HIM OF THESE.
You have to let your child experience life. You need a plan.You have to make the transition as impersonal as possible. Do NOT talkabout this on the phone. At least at first. A letter will work bestbecause the info will be in black and white and he won't be able tomake you feel bad or you won't have to hear his initial shock or pain.I am going to go ahead and write a sample to show you what I mean. Ofcourse amend as you see fit, but DO WRITE IT AND SEND IT.
Honey,
As I'm nearing 70, I've been taking a look at my health and myfinances. Unfortunately neither are where I'd like them to be. As youknow I've been working part time and my orthopedic doctor has said thisis putting undue pressure on my knee. I've been in a lot of pain anddon't want to have to resort to surgery. As I have been committed tohelping you out a bit each month, I have sat down to assess my financesto see where I'd be without this additional income.
While I certainly live in a nice home that has increased in value, I amnot ready to sell it yet. I love living here very much and struggleeach year to pay the high property taxes. Unfortunately, I can onlycontinue to help you for another five or six months. So I wanted togive you as much advanced warning as possible.
So starting next July, I will no longer be able to help out with themortgage on the condo. Unfortunately, if you are unable to make themortgage payments on your own, I will have to sell the condominium. ButI feel confident you'll be able to do it honey.
Call if you have any questions.
Lots of love,
Mom
Send it AS SOON AS POSSIBLY POSSIBLE. Stop being a martyr. Quit yourjob. Enjoy your life!