Jennifer Lehr answers your questions about sex, love, and relationships every week on Fearless Voices.com To write her, click here.
Jennifer,
While I know that there is no such thing as a "perfect" time for havingkids, well, I had always thought that I would be more professionally"set" before embarking on that type of adventure.
I am 37. My boyfriend and I have been together for seven years. He's avery intelligent, successful, handsome, loving man who is definitelyready to be a father. We live in Europe between Italy and Paris. (Yes,we read the Huffington Post here. I'm an ex-pat, and still a concernedcitizen.)
I recently made a change of career. I had been teaching at a Universityfor five years and quit to get my Ph.D. Then, exhausted after the wholeprocess, I decided to change directions completely and concentrate onmy painting for a while. This year has been all about stumbling for meand, in a way, I'm glad for it. I also feel blessed to have had theluxury to stumble without the stress of ending up homeless or hungry.
The question is: Am I a professor? A painter? A writer? The futureowner of a bookstore?
The issue of paternity seems somehow wrapped up in theseconsiderations...We're leaning towards surrogacy over adoption. When wedo have a baby (if we do, that is) I want to be at peace with mychoices... because, naturally, some sacrifices will have to be made--Iwon't be able to fly off to Paris every month.
I know you recently had a baby and that we're the same age, so I waswondering if you could offer some insight or advice.
Thank you,
Alessandro
Alessandro, at the risk of sounding like a Valley Girl, I can TOTALLYrelate.
Of course having a child who needs to be raised with constantattention, stability and loads of love is not a decision to be madelightly. It's a decision I avoided making for years. "Why have kids?" Iconstantly wondered. I loved my life with my husband. I couldn'tpicture myself as a "mother." And mostly, like you, I was afraid thatif I didn't have the career of my dreams up and running before I gotpregnant, it would never happen. I feared that my child would suck upmy time or, that I'd use caring for her as an excuse to not pursue mygoals, when really, I was afraid of failing.
I too had a bunch of things going on and wondered about my future. WasI an author? Publisher? Graphic Designer? Interior Designer?
So what happened? How did I get pregnant without all of my ducks in arow? After years of going back and forth with my husband on the issue,all of the sudden, I noticed that I was five years older than I thoughtI was! How was I 36 and not the success I'd dreamed I'd be? I realizedthat if it hadn't happened the way I thought it would, there was no wayto guarantee it would happen on some new plan I'd come up with. So Ijumped in and got pregnant.
A couple of months before I had Jules, I finished a project and wasleft with no prospects on the horizon. But instead of panicking, I wassurprisingly calm. I realized that having time with my newborn was agift.
And then you know what happened? The universe provided. Right aroundthe time I started to feel ready to get out into the world again, threenew opportunities came my way. I got a call about writing this verycolumn. I sold a pitch for a comedy based on my book to ABC.And I got a call to to the interior design on a charming house. My bookhad come out over two years ago! I hadn't done a house in over threeyears! I thought those prospects were dead in the water. But as itturns out, all the work I'd done for the last decade had actually laida foundation.
It seems Alessandro, that you too have laid a lot of groundwork. Mygoodness, a phD should serve you well no matter what you decide topursue or what pursues you! And you know what? Paris isn't goinganywhere. Your little angel will LOVE to go to Paris with you. You justwon't be going as much for the first year. And in Europe they travelwith the little ones more than we do here.
And finally, both surrogacy and adoption are very long roads. If youthink in your heart of hearts, that you will probably want a child"someday," you should get started. It seems you have the ingredients: a strong relationship with a man you love who wants kids and financial stability in the household.
I've heard it said, that a baby brings her own bowl of rice. Now Ibelieve it.