Jennifer Lehr answers your questions about sex, love, and relationships every week on Fearless Voices. To send her a question, click here.
Dear Jennifer,
I'm 38. I've been told I'm good looking. I work out. I make a decentliving. I love to travel. I have fun. I'm writing a novel. I have greatfriends. My life is really good. My problem? You guessed it. Women. Iactually date fairly often. But rarely ever do I get past a first date.I'm either bored or, more often than not, I find that there's just nochemistry. I mean you can't have sex with good conversation and stuffin common. I don't want to be single forever. But I don't want tosettle. I want someone to really blow me away. Is that too much to askfor?
Not getting any younger.
David
David,
My advice to you is FORCE YOURSELF TO GO ON A SECOND DATE! Plain andsimple. Actually I recommend that the next time you have a date withsomeone where the conversation is lively and you find the personinteresting--even though no fireworks are flying overhead--that you forceyourself to go out with her four times. Yes, four whole times. That is,if she'll have you.
It seems to me David that you are a serial first-dater because yourexpectations are warped. And it's not your fault. Chemistry is hard toargue with. It's instant. It's exciting. It feels like life ishappening, and this could be it! You know what? The last five guys thatlit up my insides turned out to either have a girlfriend or someone hewas still in love with. It took me a painfully long time to learn thatI should actually use that chemical excitement not as a sign of someoneI should pursue, but as a sign of someone I needed avoid. For me, whilechemistry could definitely lead to a hot night of sex, it was followedby way too much heartache.
Once I finally realized this, I forced myself to go on a second datewith an unattractive, long-haired, super funny, fun, smart guy who Ihad no interest in ever kissing. Six years of marriage later, I thinkhe's the cutest thing in the world.
You should also consider that that chemical feeling fades over time. Soyou need other qualities to help the relationship endure. When you saythat you are looking to be "blown away," what specifically to do youmean? Do you know yourself? Don't underestimate "good conversation"and "stuff in common." They warrant further investigation. I'm notsaying kiss someone you're not attracted to. I'm saying give yourself achance to get to know someone. Give her a chance to get to know you.
I think you'll be surprised how differently you'll feel about her onyour fourth date than you did on your first. Even though you're wholebeing might be screaming "No, I can't do it!" pick up that phone andask her out again. Nike is right. Just do it.