01/10/2007 11:33 am ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011

Ill-Equipped (Who isn't?)

Jennifer Lehr answers your questions about sex, love, and relationships every week on Fearless Voices. To send her a question, email

Dear Jennifer,

I think I just asked the wrong woman to marry me. I think I still love
her, but I have a gut feeling I'm making a mistake. I'm not so sure she
loves me for me or just wants to have a ring, a wedding, a house and a
child and she's settling for me because her clock is ticking. I've
already given her the ring and bought us the house. I really think I've
made a mistake and each day she's pressing me for a wedding date so she
can get started on all the planning. I have a sinking feeling.



Dear Brian,

It doesn't sound to me like you've found someone to be your partner in
life. Why do you think you've chosen to give someone what they want (a
ring, a house) but deny yourself what you really want: to be seen for
who you are, to be understood, to be loved?

I'm going to offer you two options:

1) Force yourself to get the balls that you seem to be lacking and
break it off. Tell her exactly why. Shatter her dreams of happily ever
after (they weren't going to happen anyway), get yourself into therapy
to try to figure out why you go after women who don't love you for you
while saving your bank account from being depleted on a wedding,
honeymoon and divorce you'll regret every step of the way. And most
importantly, through it all, make sure you use birth control.


2) Tell your fiancé that you'd like to set a time to discuss marriage.
Tell her that you found 25 questions to ask before you get married on
Oprah's website
e) and you think it would be great to work on the answers together.
Believe me, by the time you get to something like number seven or
eight, she will have broken up with you. Or, you may be surprised. At
the very least, you both will have learned something. And most
importantly, through it all, make sure you use birth control.

Good luck Brian