Ill-Equipped (Who isn't?)

Jennifer Lehr answers your questions about sex, love, and relationships every week on Fearless Voices. To send her a question, email jennifer@jenniferlehr.com.

Dear Jennifer,

I think I just asked the wrong woman to marry me. I think I still loveher, but I have a gut feeling I'm making a mistake. I'm not so sure sheloves me for me or just wants to have a ring, a wedding, a house and achild and she's settling for me because her clock is ticking. I'vealready given her the ring and bought us the house. I really think I'vemade a mistake and each day she's pressing me for a wedding date so shecan get started on all the planning. I have a sinking feeling.

Help!

Brian

Dear Brian,

It doesn't sound to me like you've found someone to be your partner inlife. Why do you think you've chosen to give someone what they want (aring, a house) but deny yourself what you really want: to be seen forwho you are, to be understood, to be loved?

I'm going to offer you two options:

1) Force yourself to get the balls that you seem to be lacking andbreak it off. Tell her exactly why. Shatter her dreams of happily everafter (they weren't going to happen anyway), get yourself into therapyto try to figure out why you go after women who don't love you for youwhile saving your bank account from being depleted on a wedding,honeymoon and divorce you'll regret every step of the way. And mostimportantly, through it all, make sure you use birth control.

Or

2) Tell your fiancé that you'd like to set a time to discuss marriage.Tell her that you found 25 questions to ask before you get married onOprah's websitee) and you think it would be great to work on the answers together.Believe me, by the time you get to something like number seven oreight, she will have broken up with you. Or, you may be surprised. Atthe very least, you both will have learned something. And mostimportantly, through it all, make sure you use birth control.

Good luck Brian