One of the most common responses that I receive when I tell others that I am divorced is: "Oh, I know how you feel. I just broke up with my boyfriend/girlfriend of [insert number of years here.]"
I know that you're trying to empathize with me, but I don't believe that it is possible for you to know how I feel unless you have been divorced yourself. Yes, the end of a long-term relationship is horrible and devastating, but I don't believe that it compares to the emotional trauma of getting a divorce, no matter how long the couple has been together.
Divorce is a loss unlike anything else that most people will experience in their lifetime. Divorce is hard emotionally, financially and socially; it's heartbreakingly difficult. Many sources have said that divorce is the second-most traumatic life experience that a person can go through, after the death of a spouse. I fully believe that there is a good reason -- actually, many good reasons -- that they didn't include the breaking up of long-term relationships on that list.
While some breakups do involve separating assets and legal paperwork, the majority of breakups of (childless) relationships don't. All divorces require paperwork -- even the ones that end amicably. Divorce brings out the worst in people. Lawyers get involved, fights start and animosity grows. Of course, not every relationship ends badly (for example, my ex and I are still good friends) but in general, having to argue over each book, every dish and every dollar acquired during the marriage is not a fun experience for anyone.
The biggest difference between a divorce and the breakup of a long-term relationship is the emotional and mental toll that it takes. When getting married, a couple stands in front of all of their friends and family -- and in many cases, before God -- and declares their never-ending love for each other. They promise to spend their lives together "for better or for worse". After getting married, the two individuals become a family that works together toward common goals, hopes and dreams.
When a marriage ends, the sense of failure that both parties feel is overwhelming. Even if the reason for divorcing is valid, there is still a lingering feeling of having lied to everyone who mattered most. Divorcees often feel like they have let everyone down by not being able to "fix" their marriage.
Along with the incredible sense of failure comes extreme loneliness, because divorce represents the end of "us" and the return to "me, on my own again". When a long-term relationship ends, there is still a sense of loss but, in most cases, the two individuals were able to keep their sense of self and maintain (somewhat) separate lives during the relationship; returning to their own life after a breakup isn't as severe a transition.
So if your friend or family member tells you that they are getting a divorce, don't tell them that you know how they feel, unless you actually do. Tell them that you're sorry, that you'll be there to support them, to listen to them, to drink with them, hug them and let them cry on your shoulder. Tell them that it will be tough (because you read it in an insightful Huffington Post article, not because you experienced it personally) but that they will make it through, and in many cases, they will be happier because of it.
Trust me. At the end of the grieving process, they will thank you for it.
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Seems a bit selfish; do you think maybe that was why he left?
Maybe that's the worst thing one can say to a divorcee.
The reason I wrote that, is that true empathy is impossible as we all experience life, and it's events subjectively. I've had guns pulled on me, but I don't know what it means to be a soldier. But I can still sympathize when one does get shot.
Likewise, when someone hurts, I don't have to KNOW their pain, to understand that they are in pain, and that I want to help them. If someone's going to be elitist about how they hurt... they don't need my sympathy, and shouldn't have it in the first place.
I'm pretty damn sure my break-up from my boyfriend of 7 years was as devastating to me, as someone who got divorced.
We'd grown from silly young adults to real grown-ups together, and shared so many of life's pivotal moments.
Oh, and our relationship was as deep as marriage. Me having a ring or not didn't make the difference.
I never felt a sense of failure; the divorce was not my choice.
I was thrust into a situation that I never thought about, nor was I prepared for in any shape, form, or manner.
Prenuptial Agreements were a foreign concept to me.
But if I ever march down the path of marriage again, a Prenuptial Agreement will be a requirement - both for her interest and mine, that hopefully will never be tested, and perhaps even enhance the relationship knowing there is a safety net, as opposed to distrust due to a lack of a safety net.
Bottom line: Divorce sucks - a Prenuptial Agreement may make it easier.
http://www.ishouldhavesaid.net/2012/03/why-did-you-get-divorced-comebacks/
Sometimes your friend just needs a place to vent, maybe bounce some feelings off you and sometimes its as simple as finding a nice deck on the lakefront with a cooler full of cold beer. And even sometimes you can take in a houseguest for a while.
Just be a friend.
It makes not one bit of difference whether you're "married" or not if your relationship was at all meaningful to you!
And this is the worst thing you can do....be Neutral. (Thanks but No Thanks, I don't need any "Neutral Friends." My kids & I need support, love, loyalty, validation in our grief which includes anger b/c of specific behaviors (such as abuse.)
Also, please stop w/ the advice & judgements....it's such a personal, painful process that includes some serious factors not known to anyone but my attorney... one size does not fit all.
Much more compassionate to say, "I am so sorry. I am here for you & your children, my friend."
1) what's wrong with you?
2) what did you do or didn't do to make it fall apart?
3) you must've been doing something wrong so he / she left you?
4) it takes two to tango
5) how was your sex life?
etc. lot's of worse things to say.