It seems like I've been waiting for this day forever -- to share in the joy, to commiserate in the lows, and to guide you in the way that I wish I had been guided when I started this journey of my own. Now, I don't claim to be an expert, because, as you'll soon learn, there is no such thing as an expert in childrearing. I mean, have you ever heard of a Cesar Millan for babies? I rest my case. But there are some relatively universal truths about parenthood that I thought I'd address, so that you will be better equipped to embark on this storied path.
1. Pregnancy is the ultimate trump card, but it can't be abused. Use it wisely.
2. People will tell you that you shouldn't mourn the loss of your former body, as your new body played an integral role in performing a miracle. Don't be afraid to tell these people to f*ck off. Thing is, though, they're right. My husband told me that he's never been more attracted to me than he has since I gave birth to his kids. And this was after sex. So he had no reason to lie.
3. You will do something that you promised yourself you wouldn't, or you might not do something that you promised yourself you would -- actions (or inactions) you might actually have judged others for in the past. And that's OK. What's more important than setting and sticking to a plan is adaptability, as what's best for one family is going to look different from what's best for another. Find what works for you, and don't waste one second feeling guilty about it. Switching to formula when my daughter was 6 months old was the best decision we ever made. Sure, our original goal was to continue breastfeeding to a year, but due to an undersupply spurred by pregnancy, we were all happier and healthier for it. And people hardly notice the third eye she grew in the wake.
4. This is going to test your marriage. When your husband is on his fifth beer, because he has to be in order to remember life before your hormones, you're going to take one look at that beautiful bottle of brew and wage holy war, because how dare he ingest alcohol in front of you when all you've been craving is a glass of wine for months?! And when the baby comes, you will get into a fight or two when you feel like the other isn't pulling their weight. And it won't be because that's the truth, but because it can seem like the truth when you're sleep-deprived and doing the job of many. They're not kidding when they say it takes a village. Unfortunately, at 3 a.m., that village is asleep. Where you would be too, if your husband could just. get. up. with the baby for once. Never mind the fact that he did the night before... and the night before that. It's late, and you're in no position to do math.
5. At the same time, though, it's also going to strengthen your marriage. You don't know the true meaning of teamwork until you and your husband have worked in tandem to clean feces out of a tub. It's synchronicity personified.
6. You're going to have moments when you regret it. Nobody likes to talk about it, but it's true. Hormones, sleep deprivation, and a total upheaval of all that you've previously known make a strong and destructive cocktail that can leave you questioning yourself. (Did somebody say cocktails?!)
7. Those moments will be fleeting, and they will be vastly outnumbered by those that all but confirm your good decision.
8. Date nights are paramount. As important as your children are, the environment in which they're brought up is just as important, and that environment is made up largely of your marriage. Strengthen it wherever possible, even if that's sometimes at the expense of time with your kids. It'll set the example for what they'll expect out of a partner for years to come.
9. Kids are gross. Like really, really gross. Which, in turn, means that you will be gross, too. As will your home. I'd give you a comprehensive list of all of the things my toddler has eaten/touched this past week, but I'm trying to keep you on board with this whole pregnancy thing.
10. Tantrums will surface sooner than you ever expected. Build yourself a panic room in your house. Use it. Do not emerge until it's safe.
11. The first time your kid twerks, I am going to videotape it and send it to our mutual friends. Don't be mad; I'm just performing my civic duty.
12. The grass is always greener. Whether you stay at home or you work, there will always be pros, and there will inevitably be cons. Don't allow yourself to focus on anything but the positive. It's a futile exercise that will leave you yearning for the same lifestyle that someone else is currently finding the cons in.
13. When your child is awake, you will undoubtedly spend a large portion of the time counting down the hours until they go to sleep. Only once they go to sleep, you will actually miss them, and it will take every fiber of your being to curb the insatiable urge to wake them up. If it seems to you like there should be a self-help group for this, you'd be right. There should be, and there is. It's called your best friend. Call me any time of day... unless I'm sleeping (dear sweet sleep).
14. You will never know frustration like that which you will experience at the hands of your child -- but you will never know love like it, either. It is perfectly OK to feel both, and do not be alarmed when you frequently feel them in quick succession.
15. This journey can be stressful. It can be ugly, messy, and totally unnerving. But you were built for this. For as long as I can remember, you've meant the world to me. You've lifted me up in times of peril; you've widened my smile in times of bliss. You're the first person I think to text in the morning, and the last person I think to text at night. You've been my sister since the day we first met, and you've also been my mom when I've needed it. In truth, you've worn many hats over the course of our decades of friendship, but at the root of it all, it's quite simple... you've always been a superhero to me.
And now there's going to be one more person on this Earth who feels the same.
To read more from Jennifer, follow her on Twitter, like her on Facebook, or visit her website at http://www.mordantmom.com. Warning: Not for the faint of heart.