Open Relationships: What the World Already Has

Sex and love make people crazy. Not by experiencing them. By talking about them. And right now, a lot of people are talking about open marriage and polyamory. Some people simply have questions, excellent questions, in fact, and ones I promise to address in future posts. Even the hard ones that hit as close to home as it gets. But some folks just have opinions, about half of which are none too kind when it comes to those of us in such relationships.

Naturally, everyone has their own opinion when it comes to sex and love and relationships and everyone is sure that their opinion is the "right" one. Of course, there can't be a "right" opinion. But try telling that to people. And the funny thing is, there seems to be a vast chasm between what the majority of people say they believe is "right" and the way in which the majority of people behave. They talk monogamy and walk infidelity.

Each day it seems another politician's skeleton escapes or, in the case of governor David Paterson and his wife, is shoved from the closet. And if not politicians, then actors. And if no one in the public eye "comes out" that day, there are plenty of examples to be found in our own private lives. In other words, there seem to be an awful lot of people who are not being nearly as monogamous as they would like others to believe.

So, it seems to me, that having the illusion of monogamy is what people are truly interested in. Otherwise, they wouldn't stray while giving lip service to the party line. People who are cheating are already non-monogamous. So as far as open relationships or polyamory being in any way deviant or even unusual for that matter, I don't see how that's possible. Unless you consider honesty deviant and unusual.

I'm polyamorous. I'm in an open marriage. And I'm honest about it. The stronger people's reactions to that honesty are, the clearer it becomes that their reactions have little to nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. If one is cheating, the thought of being honest is a scary proposition. I should know. Been there. Done that. Have no interest in going there again. My question is this -- Why is it that deceitful, don't ask don't tell non-monogamy is socially acceptable (don't kid yourself, it is) and honest non-monogamy is not?

If one simply wants to cheat or is already "mentally cheating," the thought of honesty is even scarier. The reason why is simple. If I can be polyamorous, tell the truth about it, and be successful in my relationship, then the implication is that it could work for others too. And there is nothing more terrifying than feeling like you're not strong enough to go out on a limb and attempt something that might actually improve your life. Better to yell, "Freak!" at those who are trying. And then everyone doing the yelling -- unhappy, cheating, or just plain judgmental -- feel themselves in the "right" and thus in the clear.

As for those people with no reaction to my choice or those who simply say, "It's not my thing. But good for you," it seems readily apparent that they are the ones for whom the choice to be monogamous really does work. In other words, they don't live in glass houses. (Or, at the very least, they know better than to throw any stones.) Life is short. People are different. But so too can they be very much the same.

Science tells us that human beings are not monogamous. Our behaviors tell us we're not monogamous. History shows us as being non-monogamous. And nearly every other country around the world accepts that fact in one way or another. So, perhaps it's time to give up the ghost.

In the name of fairness, we have to really. Religions vary. Sexual orientation varies. Political affiliations vary. Even food, entertainment, and clothing preferences vary - vastly. Why would things as vital as love and sex and relationships be doomed to but one way of doing things? It doesn't make sense and, besides, it doesn't work.

The problem, it seems to me, is this. People are pack animals and they want -- need -- approval from the herd. So, forcing this one-size-fits-not-nearly-everyone way of life down everyone's throat is detrimental to everyone. Living a life that doesn't fit is miserable and that misery plays out in unhappy ways in people's lives. Opening one's relationship is not easy. And feeling like the world despises you for it only makes it harder. Wouldn't it be nice to live among people who felt free to live their lives as they were born to live them?

We all want the same thing -- to live and to love happily. So many of us are already doing that, each in our own different ways and there are many others who would like to as well, all I'm suggesting is bringing those ways to light.

Comments

[ssadie]

Thanks, Jenny for this insightful article about Open Marriages. I look forward to more posts on this subject! I, too, am living in an open marriage and recently I have been blogging about it, as you know. Thank you for leaving me your comments today! Our writing styles are very different but I believe our goals are the same: to put the idea of Polyamory into the public eye and argue the point that honesty in non-monogamy should become a socially accepted standard, just as 'cheating' has become.... I gave you a shout out on my blog this afternoon confession­sfrommyope­nmarriage.­blogspot.c­om/ . And, I am looking forward to your book! ~ Sadie

[rathebold]

I still don't understand the "witch! witch!" responses. Or the "I had a friend who tried and failed at polyamory."

I have a LOT of friends who tried and failed at Monogamy. In my circle of friends, I have the only still-going marriage - which is polyamorous. I look around my office and all but 7 of my 40 co-workers who have been married have been divorced. Some have been divorced twice. Many have cheating in the causes for the break-ups.

I listen to the folks I see in the media, the grocery store and all over fret, worry, and cry over their cheating. However folks who are honest and in open relationships are the bad guy because they're not monogamous. It's laughable.

Talk about being afraid of being happy and healthy.

[pastgone]

This article is nothing more than a massive, fantastical justification to assuage the writer's guilt and shame over his wasteful lifestyle. According this him, he isn't monogamous due to "science", and those who are and wish him well are liars and hypocrits. Well, let me tell you, bub, human beings are a LOT of different things by nature, and a lot of those things are subject to personal choice, not "science." Do what you want in the bedroom, but you are wasting a lot of your life chasing around after a brief hormonal egocentric juvenile petty high, when there's incredible things life has to offer that you are totally missing, and not even aware of, by making adultery your sad, small, self-absorbed, pathetic holy grail.

[AnitaWagner]

Oh where to begin. Casting broadly sweeping assumptions about this writer (who is clearly female, by the way) in hostile and demeaning ways seems to me to speak volumes about pastgone's fears and need to discount others' valid experiences and points of view than it does anything else.
In a society that only sanctions one form of relationship, it's understandable that some people will feel very uncomfortable about the idea orf polyamory. Still, no one is asking anyone else to open their relationship - only that they recognize that for some there are clear advantages to having another option that works better for them, so the hostility here seems to me to be highly misplaced.
I can't know for sure, of course, but I'd guess that pastgone has been cheated on - that's very frequently the reason for such a response. Interestingly, there are many people who have suffered the betrayal of trust that cheating is and have chosen polyamory as preferable - at least we know we aren't going to be cheated on and have a means by which trust in the relationship remains intact, since all involved are open, aware, and consenting to such an arrangement.

[dadw5boys]

Is there a little blue pill for this affliction too?

[Pandu]

My wife and I knew a woman who had this philosophy. She was married, and wanted to introduce another woman into the relationship. It "worked" for about six months, but the husband liked the new woman better, and the wife was forgotten. I'm glad they didn't have kids.

[connec2jim]

Is this to suggest that you advocate for not coming to terms and living a lie, and that that somehow is a better thing for childrens development than resolution and honesty? There are many situations where parents going separate ways is the lesser of evils regarding their childrens well being, and I know of many situations where friends of mine certainly would have been much better off if their parents had just been honest about their feelings and desires, and gone separate ways. I 'm not convinced that a lack of, or changing devotion to partner translates to lack of devotion to their childrens well being.

[mounthood]

Hogamus, higamus,
Man is polygamous;
Higamus, hogamus,
Woman's monogamous.

[OakDragon]

Well, considering that the primary movers and shakers in polyamory have most often been women, I guess that doesn't quite hold.

In fact, Morning Glory Zell used that very ditty in her seminal article, "A Bouquet of Lovers."

In any case, we're talking polyamory more than polygamy.

[connec2jim]

I think that women have love and passions for more than one man, but they're way of enjoying those they love differs somehow than men's ways. I've noticed the way my girlfriends demeanor sometimes perks up around men.