I get a lot of questions about my open marriage. I also get a lot of questions about why I talk publicly about it online and in my new book, "Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage." The answer is two-fold. First is because I'm a writer and it's what I do. There is nothing better than honest writing. So if I'm going to write memoir, my marriage and relationships are going to naturally be a part of that. The second reason is more complex. I reveal myself because I believe people need that from one another.
We all live such isolated lives in some ways. We go from our house to our car to our cubicle, stopping only to tell the kids to have a good day at school, the barista whether it's a grande or a venti kind of day, and our co-workers when we need that Power Point presentation finished. But the truth is that we're dying for human connection. And one of the reasons that we want that connection is so that we can feel "normal."
I think there are a lot of people out there in unhappy marriages, trapped by the social construct and all that it demands. But monogamous marriage is the one and only thing that we're told is possible. That or, ultimately, being alone. And so we sign up and we hang in despite biological desire for more sexual partners and/or more loving relationships.
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I don't like to judge - to each his/her own. As long as everyone is happy.
However, her article left me with the impression that she "tricked" her husband into engaging in sex with her friend (which he wasn't entirely into). After that she now had the right to go out and have sex with whomever she wants whenever she wants. She admitted he had a jealousy problem, but he would have to work on it.
My overall impression was that her husband wasn't doing it for her, so she devised a way to trick him into having to let her have all the extramarital sex she could ever want - thereby leaving him as her cuckold. He took the bait, and he now seems to keep to himself sexually while she's out sleeping with other men. They clearly have a cuckold relationship and I'm betting if he could do it all over again, he would not have taken her bait.
However, Jenny Block does talk about wanting more sex than he did and wanting a different kind of sex than he wanted to give her. That definitely seems to have been part of her motive for wanting to have more partners, at least according to her.
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For an "open marriage" to succeed, you can't have this type of manipulation. If one partner isn't really into the idea, it won't work. And you can't trick your spouse into it and expect a successful relationship to come out of it.
I've known several couples who have or have tried open marriages. Some seem to work well, others do not. Those that do work seem to succeed because of very good communication and a shared purpose. Those that don't seem to involve one partner pressuring the other, or demanding more "rights" for him or herself than the partner is allowed.
So, if polyamory works for a dyad or triad or more, fine. If monogamy works fine. However the complexity of participating in a complex relationship with more than 2 partners frequently makes it more difficult.
Polyamory changes some of the dynamics that make monogamy problematic, but it introduces new problems that are not easily solved.
I fail to see how this is an example of the enlightened attitude she claims to have.
It may be true that monogamy is not right for everybody. But Jenny tells us that monogamy is not right for *anybody*. And that clearly, demonstrably is wrong.
As for whether monogamy is right for anyone or everyone, that's more complicated than you allude to. Technically speaking, what most people are is serially monogamous.
The real question is: If we removed the social contempt for open marriages, would it be something that would work for most people? So far as I can tell, it really is the social hatred of these relationships that keeps them from being the norm, because few take the time to consider them seriously.
Open marriage is not a new thing. Polyamory movements/experiments have been in America since the 1800's. I think they die out or fail to catch on because they don't work for most people.
I'm glad an open marriage works for you. Sooner or later all novelty gets boring. But an open heart never tires.
I haven't read your book, but it doesn't sound like it reflects the depths of spiritual awareness that learning to love another as yourself brings.
I'm still confused about whether I should really love my enemy (we're loving the Iraqis to death), eat shellfish and pork (there goes the 4th of July cookout), not adorn myself as a woman (most televangelist's wives seem to have missed this passage), give my extra shirt to those who have none (Rev. Hagee is surely not sharing his fine Eyetalian suits with the homeless), and still have no utter idea why anyone in any time in history or today would throw his daughters to rapists and why it was even worthy of a mention??
and if Jesus turned water into wine, why can I not buy it on Sunday morning before noon or on Christmas? nor can my Jewish neighbor who did his Sabbath thing the day or weeks before? nor the Hindu guy behind the counter of the store not able to sell said wine?
So in a country where marriage is essentially a piece of paper denoting the state's recognition of your partnership with another human being, why do we allow any religion to basically lay down the ground rules? You don't go to church to get un-married. You go to a lawyer! Finally, why are men who are not allowed to enter matrimony even arbiters of what marriage entails at all?
Children are harmed when their parents are in a loveless, or worse, contentious marriage. Neither do they get any role modeling of what a happy, loving relationship looks like when their parents stay together for their sake.
Today people form families in a wide range of ways, and they're going to continue to do it, like it or not, in ways that work for themelves, their partners, and their children. There is plenty of evidence to indicate that children do just fine in all kinds of families, so long as the family is stable and their needs are being met.