Polyamorous and Public: Why I Wrote a Book About My Open Marriage
I get a lot of questions about my open marriage. I also get a lot of questions about why I talk publicly about it online and in my new book, "Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage." The answer is two-fold. First is because I'm a writer and it's what I do. There is nothing better than honest writing. So if I'm going to write memoir, my marriage and relationships are going to naturally be a part of that. The second reason is more complex. I reveal myself because I believe people need that from one another.
We all live such isolated lives in some ways. We go from our house to our car to our cubicle, stopping only to tell the kids to have a good day at school, the barista whether it's a grande or a venti kind of day, and our co-workers when we need that Power Point presentation finished. But the truth is that we're dying for human connection. And one of the reasons that we want that connection is so that we can feel "normal."
I think there are a lot of people out there in unhappy marriages, trapped by the social construct and all that it demands. But monogamous marriage is the one and only thing that we're told is possible. That or, ultimately, being alone. And so we sign up and we hang in despite biological desire for more sexual partners and/or more loving relationships.
To finish reading "I'm Open: Why Jenny Wants to Talk," visit my new forum on the Tango magazine website.
Loading comments…
Want to reply to a comment? Hint: Click "Reply" at the bottom of the comment; after being approved your comment will appear directly underneath the comment you replied to
My partner and I are talking this over right now. For various reasons, we’re not having sex and haven’t in a long, long time. I’m surprised we’ve come to this point because we’ve been monogamous for 14 years. Despite the lack of sex, I love him and I know he loves me. Neither of us wants to split up, but it seems something has happened sexually. Maybe it’s “having your cake and eating it, too,” but I’m wondering whether an open relationship might work for us. It’s a risk worth taking, I think, since the only options right now are splitting up or never having sex again.
I haven't read the book, but I read an article the author wrote on tango.com and she said that she introduced the idea to her husband by trying to get him interested in having sex with her friend. She said her friend taught her husband how to give the author G-spot orgasms. This sort of suggests that he hadn't been giving the author satisfying sex - for whatever reason.
I don't like to judge - to each his/her own. As long as everyone is happy.
However, her article left me with the impression that she "tricked" her husband into engaging in sex with her friend (which he wasn't entirely into). After that she now had the right to go out and have sex with whomever she wants whenever she wants. She admitted he had a jealousy problem, but he would have to work on it.
My overall impression was that her husband wasn't doing it for her, so she devised a way to trick him into having to let her have all the extramarital sex she could ever want - thereby leaving him as her cuckold. He took the bait, and he now seems to keep to himself sexually while she's out sleeping with other men. They clearly have a cuckold relationship and I'm betting if he could do it all over again, he would not have taken her bait.
I read the article too and I don't think she tricked him exactly, although she did pull him into it. I don't think we can know what he wants or if he's happy or anything like that just from reading these things.
However, Jenny Block does talk about wanting more sex than he did and wanting a different kind of sex than he wanted to give her. That definitely seems to have been part of her motive for wanting to have more partners, at least according to her.
However, her article left me with the impression that she "tricked" her husband into engaging in sex with her friend
________________________________________________________
For an "open marriage" to succeed, you can't have this type of manipulation. If one partner isn't really into the idea, it won't work. And you can't trick your spouse into it and expect a successful relationship to come out of it.
I've known several couples who have or have tried open marriages. Some seem to work well, others do not. Those that do work seem to succeed because of very good communication and a shared purpose. Those that don't seem to involve one partner pressuring the other, or demanding more "rights" for him or herself than the partner is allowed.
You can't compare "perfect" polyamory with the worst of monogamy and get anything useful out of it. People are imperfect; relationships are imperfect; both poly and mono are imperfect.
So, if polyamory works for a dyad or triad or more, fine. If monogamy works fine. However the complexity of participating in a complex relationship with more than 2 partners frequently makes it more difficult.
Polyamory changes some of the dynamics that make monogamy problematic, but it introduces new problems that are not easily solved.
Jenny’s “open marriage” means, she gets to have sex with whomever she wants, but hubby doesn’t. She gets to explore her sexy side, hubby has to sit at home. And if he complains, she’s outta there!
I fail to see how this is an example of the enlightened attitude she claims to have.
It may be true that monogamy is not right for everybody. But Jenny tells us that monogamy is not right for *anybody*. And that clearly, demonstrably is wrong.
If that is what is set up with her and her husband, then you are correct. She is not in an open relationship but is having an open affair. This is only if you are correct that he cannot have any input into her activities, or that he isn't allowed to have other relationships. If he chooses not to, then that is a different issue (I have not read her book).
As for whether monogamy is right for anyone or everyone, that's more complicated than you allude to. Technically speaking, what most people are is serially monogamous.
The real question is: If we removed the social contempt for open marriages, would it be something that would work for most people? So far as I can tell, it really is the social hatred of these relationships that keeps them from being the norm, because few take the time to consider them seriously.
I don't think the barrier to open marriages is social contempt. Most people get jealous if their partner sleeps with other people. Working out the problems of jealousy, levels of commitment to different people, and just plain logistics are a big deal.
Open marriage is not a new thing. Polyamory movements/experiments have been in America since the 1800's. I think they die out or fail to catch on because they don't work for most people.
As a survivor of a 1970s open marriage, I know that the kind of connection that is completely fulfilling is a by-product of monogamy. Sharing all of you, the good, the bad, the ugly, over time is the way you become the love you seek. Sexual desire, while exciting and fulfilling in many ways, does not last a lifetime. That's just the way it is. For a relationship to be sustained, you have to be willing to love unconditionally. I've been with my husband for 26 years. We've gone through sickness and health (prostate and breast cancer), richer and poorer (inheritance, near bankruptcy), and better and worse (graduating with a Ph.D. and Hurricane Wilma). When my husband touches me, I get chills. When he kisses me, my toes curl. When we hug, a current of energy opens up every single chakra along my spine.
I'm glad an open marriage works for you. Sooner or later all novelty gets boring. But an open heart never tires.
I haven't read your book, but it doesn't sound like it reflects the depths of spiritual awareness that learning to love another as yourself brings.
Yikes, don't know how that got away from me. To finish the one sentence, I was referring to the 2003 Supreme Court Decision, Lawrence v. Texas.
Badbone, I just finished reading Jenny's book, and In it she makes it crystal clear that her husband is free to see other people. He has done so in the past but at present chooses not to. Polyamorous relationships don't work if those involved don't have equal rights and freedom - it's called egalitarianism. Also, she makes it very clear that she is not denigrating monogamy, especially for people who think about it and talk about it indepth together and choose it intentionally and not, as we tend to do, reflexively. It just doesn't work for her.
Yeah I think everyone feels the enveloping loneliness of the modern world.
Call it what you want but its not a marraige. I'm not even passing judgement. If you choose to live your life that way I don't really care. But to call it a marraige dilutes the value of the ideal institution in which we can raise our children.
Why isn't it a marriage??? It was called marriage when Solomon had 700 wives, why wouldn't it be called marriage if Jenny and those who she loves choose to call it one???
Yet they insist on beating us over the head with that book, all the while decrying half of the contents!!
I'm still confused about whether I should really love my enemy (we're loving the Iraqis to death), eat shellfish and pork (there goes the 4th of July cookout), not adorn myself as a woman (most televangelist's wives seem to have missed this passage), give my extra shirt to those who have none (Rev. Hagee is surely not sharing his fine Eyetalian suits with the homeless), and still have no utter idea why anyone in any time in history or today would throw his daughters to rapists and why it was even worthy of a mention??
and if Jesus turned water into wine, why can I not buy it on Sunday morning before noon or on Christmas? nor can my Jewish neighbor who did his Sabbath thing the day or weeks before? nor the Hindu guy behind the counter of the store not able to sell said wine?
So in a country where marriage is essentially a piece of paper denoting the state's recognition of your partnership with another human being, why do we allow any religion to basically lay down the ground rules? You don't go to church to get un-married. You go to a lawyer! Finally, why are men who are not allowed to enter matrimony even arbiters of what marriage entails at all?
I wouldn't call one man with 700 wives marriage. Polygamy has a pretty bad history, much worse than monogamy.
jrockbg, the ideal institution you reference isn't working for a significant portion of the population, and there is nothing to indicate that this is going to change.
Children are harmed when their parents are in a loveless, or worse, contentious marriage. Neither do they get any role modeling of what a happy, loving relationship looks like when their parents stay together for their sake.
Today people form families in a wide range of ways, and they're going to continue to do it, like it or not, in ways that work for themelves, their partners, and their children. There is plenty of evidence to indicate that children do just fine in all kinds of families, so long as the family is stable and their needs are being met.
The idea that a husband and wife are the "ideal" setup for raising children is only an assumption. This attitude presupposes that both the husband and wife are good parents. Add a bad parent to the mix and often being raised by a single parent is preferable, particularly if there is abuse. In any case, assuming that "traditional" marriage is what works best is fallacy.
Then you are passing judgement, and to call "marriage" generically " the ideal institution in which we can raise our children" overlooks the fact that there are some pretty destructive and dysfunctional marriages out there, besides some wonderful partnerships between same sex people, raising wonderful children without the benefit of "marriage."
You must be logged in to comment. Log in or connect with
