Sexual Assault Awareness Month: If We Want to Live Honest Lives, We Have to Tell the Truth
I forget sometimes how lucky I am. How lucky I am to have been able to come into my sexuality the way I have, without abuse, without religious fervor, without judgment. But as I am having that thought, as I am writing it down, I feel sick to my stomach. Why should I feel "lucky" to be in a situation that all women (all people) should be in? Well, because I am. That's the ugly truth about it. And too many women are not so lucky.
April is Sexual Assault Awareness month and among all of the ribbons for all of the many other worthy causes, it can be easy to let yet another one slip by. But this is not just another one. It's a huge one. It encompasses so many different crimes and it gives voice to something that too many people have been shamed into keeping silent about. Of course, not everyone is being so silent these days.
Jennifer Baumgardner has created a t-shirt as part of a multimedia rape awareness project that is causing quite a stir. The graphic is of an open safe in which a small handwritten note sits. "I was raped," the note reads. People are polarized by the shirt's message. Survivors of rape are supposed to keep silent, to be ashamed, and ultimately to feel responsible for the crime committed against them, right? "Wrong," says Baumgardner and the many women wearing and supporting the wearing of that shirt.
Carly Milne has written a memoir titled, Sexography. In her telling of the horrible incest, sexual abuse, and rape she not only survived but also overcame with unbelievable strength, she refuses the mandate of silence as well. Interestingly, she's turned her experiences into an opportunity for others to write about their own sexual experiences -- positive and otherwise. Through a campaign for which she is partnering with RAIIN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), she is raising awareness as well as desperately needed funds.
Some people are not so happy about my writing. They are uncomfortable with my life and with my willingness to talk about it. It offends their sensibilities. "Who do you think you are?" their comments say. "How dare you think not only that your sexuality and your life is your own but also that you have a right to tell your story and give voice to the stories of others?"
The only thing I think that I am is a lucky woman. And, you know what, I do believe those are my rights. But more than that I think they are the rights of every woman. Women are tired of being victims and of being silenced. Not only are we going to speak the "unspeakable," we're also going to talk about the happy, healthy sex lives we enjoy from blissful, chosen monogamy to life-affirming, conscious polyamory. We're going to be in heterosexual couples, lesbian couples, open marriages, whatever we like, and we're going to talk about it. A lot.
You don't have to listen. But I think that would be a shame. I hope people will wear Baumgardner's shirts. I hope they'll read Milne's memoir and write their own stories as well. I hope they'll donate to RAIIN and other groups fighting the good fight. I am lucky and I'm not going to forget that. I'm where I am in my sexual life because my sexuality was allowed to evolve healthily. I don't see why I should have to apologize for that.
But I also think that I have a responsibility to those women who were robbed of that. It's no wonder we cling to marriage and monogamy as it has been so unartfully defined for us. It's a hell of a lot less threatening than venturing outside of the proverbial box or the gilded cage. No matter what pretty metaphor you use, it's still all the same. And it's downright comforting compared to what so many have suffered.
But I hate to see women survive sexual assault only to have to endure sexual conformity. And even for women who have not been abused, there is still this culture of fear that all too often guides our choices. It's an ugly way to live and until we start talking openly and without apology, we won't ever be able to live free of it. And don't we owe that not only to ourselves but also to our partners? Silence is everyone's enemy.
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A few months ago my 14 year old son received a note from a girl in class. She ask if he wanted to have sex. He returned the note saying "No I don't want to be a father yet". She sent another note saying " Please". He sent it back saying "NO". Her next note offered a B J. My son refused that too say " My Dad told me I am too young for sex leave me alone". After he passed that note back to her she got caught with all the notes by the teacher.
The girl was suspended for sexual harrassment and they told my son he was very Mature for his age.
A few week later a lot of people started saying things about my son. Making his life HELL AT SCHOOL.
He said to me "Dad it would have been a lot easier if I had just slept with her".
The friends of this girl are telling stories about my son, his brothers and even his handicapped brother.
This is a form of rape in my book. My sons innocense and his sense of saftey at school have been ruined. His grades have dropped severely and he finds no happiness in anything anymore.
I am at a loss for what to do.
I am so sorry to hear about your son's harassment at school. As I am sure you are painfully aware, you cannot "fix" this for him; but you can make yourself available to listen and comfort him.
Your son appears to possess that rare virtue of fortitude, or courage. It's the special virtue of pioneers in any field. "Fortitude brings to those who have it a dauntless spirit of resolution, firmness of mind, and indomitable will to persevere despite trials, illness, persecution or external failure."
Perhaps he can tell the other kids at school that her behavior, post-rejection, has only confirmed his initial suspicion, i.e. that she is not a worthy partner. Or, in adolescent parlance, "I'm not attracted to skanks."
4/12/08
3:44pm
Alexandria, VA
I was raped when I was 18 and I will never forget it. I did not report it to the police but kept quiet about it because I did not want to be blamed or called a liar.
I have to say, though, that the next time a man tried to rape me he didn't succeed but he went to jail--and deserved to go.
All girls whould have training in self-defense.
Jenny -
My goal has been to make the true statement "I was raped" a smaller and smaller part of my self-definition. Replace it with
I'm a beautiful, desirable woman.
I am capable of creating life.
I am a good mother.
My husband loves me, cares about me, respects me.
Why would I wear this shirt? That statement is only a small thread in my t-shirt these days, and it's a part of my past which I share with people who respect me, and when I choose with my comfort and peace first in my mind.
Never forget also means stay attached. We can let it go - it's best.
Very sensible approach Foryourcon
I've only known one young woman who admitted to being raped, talking about it openly. She was timid and nervous, but we were friends. Whenever I touched her arm, as you would a friend's, she flinched like she'd been burnt. It was a pretty distressing thing to see.
As time went by she seemed to withdraw more and more from our circle, and the last time I saw her she was about to go to live in a Christian commune. I never heard from her again. I can only hope she found some peace there.
She couldn't move past what had happened to her: it was blocking her from living her life. Your approach seems far more likely to allow you to be happy.
As for Jenny's article -- to be honest I see nothing there but self-congratulation for her chosen lifestyle. She also equates (in her final paragraph) sexual assault with "sexual conformity", which is pretty offensive to a monogamous, married man like myself.
“Some people are not so happy about my writing.”
Correction: You *wish* people would be unhappy about your writing. Well, newsflash honey. You just aren’t that noteworthy.
Based on what I’ve seen you write here, clearly you want to be the bad girl, be notorious. You loudly proclaim how you are breaking down stereotypes, and dare us to hate you. I mean seriously, have you ever failed to mention your polyamorous lifestyle, even once? You *want* to be condemned for that, so you can feel oppressed.
Well, no sale. Your brand of conformist rebellion is simply…boring. You offer nothing new here. Just another 20-something woman who thinks her and her vagina are endlessly fascinating.
And now you are trying to hitch your wagon to the topic of sexual assault? That is just unforgivable in my book. Sexual assault is a serious topic, one that deserves a seriousness that I’ve never seen from you.
Just like you cannot believe that conventional marriage can work, you cannot seem to believe that conventional approaches to this topic work. Not every woman needs to follow your method for dealing with their pain. Not every woman wants to wear a “I was raped” t-shirt.
Instead of shoehorning your “look at me” writing style into yet another topic you know nothing about, why don’t write another article about the oppressive patriarchy of straight marriage or something, and leave the serious talk to the grownups?
"How dare you think not only that your sexuality and your life is your own but also that you have a right to tell your story and give voice to the stories of others?"
Who's saying this? As a victim of sexual assault, I have never heard anyone say anything remotely similar to this... Where are these people saying your life is not your own? And why are you talking to them?
Actually this sounds like a rhetorical comment, i.e. she is using sarcasm to make a point and doesn't intend it to be taken literally. Considering that rape victims often experience that others are generally uncomfortable hearing them speak openly about their rape experience and would rather they kept quiet, though they probably don't actually voice this preference, intuitive victims surely pick up on it anyway.
I have been amazed all week than no one in the blogosphere as bothered to discuss or even mention the documentary The Greatest Silence: Rape in the Congo, aired this week on HBO. Heartbreaking and important, it should be seen.
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