THE BLOG

The P**sy Test: How to Know If You're With the Right Person

02/22/2015 10:28 am ET | Updated Feb 02, 2016
Atsushi Yamada via Getty Images

Note: The following blog contains graphic language.

If you want to know if you're really with the right person, the person you could actually partner with forever more, the one who could really love and trust and respect and admire and grow with you -- not the one who does -- but the one who could, I have a real test for you. The Pussy Test.

You see those other tests all the time, those tests and lists about how to know if you're with the right person. She makes you laugh. He's seen you at your worst. She loves a night in as much as a night on the town. You fight and make up.

I cheat on those tests. Always have. Yeah, she's funny sometimes. Sure, he's seen me with a cold. Yeah, we spend equal nights on the couch and on the dance floor. Sure, we've said some things with voices raised and later exchanged apologies, I say to myself, if I want it to be the right person, and the converse if I don't.

It's like those Cosmo quizzes. You know which responses will result in which score or category or whatever end game is at play. "Are you geeky sexy, classic sexy or closet sexy?" Question one -- Would you prefer to: (a) play video games in your underwear; (b) wear a slinky dress and go out for a night on the town; or (c) cook a nice dinner at home and hopes he asks if he can stay the night.

Duh.

This test is different. I don't care if you're gay, straight, bi or otherwise -- if you have a pussy, this test will work.

One night in bed, lay back on a whole mess of pillows in as comfy a position as possible with some lovely lighting at play. Nothing too bright, nothing too dim. You can wear a top, if you like, but nothing from the waist down. And ask your partner to sit between your legs. Ask her or him to sit comfortably between your legs and explore your pussy.

I mean really look and touch you sweetly and slowly and take her or his time. Ask her or him to take a look around, spread your pussy open, slip her or his finger up and down and around. Not in just yet. Have her or him massage your outer lips and pull back the hood of your clit and admire you.

Tell her or him what feels good. Invite her or him to ask you about your pussy, and what feels good. What is what. And where your on spots or spaces or edges are. When you're ready, invite your partner to explore inside your pussy, too. Take your time. Give her or him the time and space and comfort and opportunity to feel the different textures and layers and depths. Talk about what you're both experiencing.

What's surprising or exciting. What feels good. Or doesn't. When she or he hits a spot that you recognize as your G-Zone or your A-Zone, speak up. Or if you find that neither of you know what you've stumbled upon, just explore and enjoy and save the research and questions for later.

End your session with orgasm or not. Finish exploring when you feel seen, and she or he is filled with the requisite wonder.

I mean it.

You can shake your head or laugh or call it hippy dippy or whatever you like. But a woman's pussy is a wondrous thing with the most amazing parts and abilities, and it is simply not given its due in our culture. We are over-sexualized in theory, and under-experienced in practice. It's time to get in there.

And this isn't just a test for your partner. It's for you too, because if you don't feel comfortable asking the person you're with to do that, you have to question your relationship with your body and your sexuality. If that relationship is in question, if you're not whole in that way, how can you be expecting to find a relationship with another human that's whole?

This test is about pulling back the layers, literally and figuratively.

In lesbian sex, in general, it's tougher to ignore the pussy. A number of the positions and acts require full confrontation, as it were. But PIV (penis in vagina) intercourse can allow the pussy -- and more sadly, the clit -- to be universally ignored. He can slide in and back out again without ever giving any real consideration to just what exactly he is slipping in and out of. Certainly, the same can happen between two women. But the logistics alone make that less likely.

This test is about real intimacy and real pleasure and real connection between two people.

This test won't tell you if you've found the one. But, neither will those other tests or lists. One thing is for sure though, this one will certainly tell you if she or he is even a candidate.

Also on The Huffington Post:

28 Bisexual Celebrities